Feeling guilty - Artist dilemma?
polycounter lvl 15
Let's talk about a problem that I know some people have, including myself. The problem of feeling guilty when you're not trying to improve ie working on your portfolio with personal projects.
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I'll tell you my story quickly.
After graduating the university with a non-game-related education, I was unemployed. I had saved up a lot of money, so I decided to go for my dream job: To become a pro game developer ie a 3d-game artist. I made a plan that I would follow: I would spend at least 8 hours everyday achieving that goal.
This was in July 2009.
I started out from scratch, learning a 3ds Max properly, learning how to texture etc etc. I joined forums and tried to absorb all the things that I needed to know to get to a professional level as quickly as I could. It took some serious dedication.
July 2010
I got a job offer as contract artist in England at Evolution Studios to work on Motorstorm Apocalypse. This was due to a decent portfolio, people who noticed my growth and luck. Being the right guy, at the right place at the right time.
Right now it's September 2011, 2+ years of different 3d-package experience and ultimately I got 1+ year of professional experience, I've been at 3 companies so far. This makes me stressed out: Why? I've never really settled down..yet. Sure there are a couple of months before I actually know if I'm going to stay where I'm at now but it really makes me want to prove myself even more, but I've been at it for a while now and I'm starting to feel a little bit burned out.
Sure I'm employed and I use that as an excuse sometimes but honestly I never really feel like it's a proper excuse for being lazy and not work as hard as I can to grow.
So to get to the point of this thread:
We all constantly deal with these kinds of issues, pros and students. We all want to grow as artists, expand, become more skilled. We want to feel safe and creatively challenged at the same time but how come at the end of the day a lot of us feel guilty when we don't actually produce artwork?
*We are our portfolios* so when is it alright to take a breather? And how do you guys deal with it? We never want to feel completely burned out.
EDIT:
I want to give a shoutout to Dreamer as well with this thread dealing with workflow planning http://www.polycount.com/forum/showthread.php?t=88366
--
I'll tell you my story quickly.
After graduating the university with a non-game-related education, I was unemployed. I had saved up a lot of money, so I decided to go for my dream job: To become a pro game developer ie a 3d-game artist. I made a plan that I would follow: I would spend at least 8 hours everyday achieving that goal.
This was in July 2009.
I started out from scratch, learning a 3ds Max properly, learning how to texture etc etc. I joined forums and tried to absorb all the things that I needed to know to get to a professional level as quickly as I could. It took some serious dedication.
July 2010
I got a job offer as contract artist in England at Evolution Studios to work on Motorstorm Apocalypse. This was due to a decent portfolio, people who noticed my growth and luck. Being the right guy, at the right place at the right time.
Right now it's September 2011, 2+ years of different 3d-package experience and ultimately I got 1+ year of professional experience, I've been at 3 companies so far. This makes me stressed out: Why? I've never really settled down..yet. Sure there are a couple of months before I actually know if I'm going to stay where I'm at now but it really makes me want to prove myself even more, but I've been at it for a while now and I'm starting to feel a little bit burned out.
Sure I'm employed and I use that as an excuse sometimes but honestly I never really feel like it's a proper excuse for being lazy and not work as hard as I can to grow.
So to get to the point of this thread:
We all constantly deal with these kinds of issues, pros and students. We all want to grow as artists, expand, become more skilled. We want to feel safe and creatively challenged at the same time but how come at the end of the day a lot of us feel guilty when we don't actually produce artwork?
*We are our portfolios* so when is it alright to take a breather? And how do you guys deal with it? We never want to feel completely burned out.
EDIT:
I want to give a shoutout to Dreamer as well with this thread dealing with workflow planning http://www.polycount.com/forum/showthread.php?t=88366
Replies
so ummmm no real advice here.
Just have balance. Do what makes you happy. You spend your day at work creating art. Still you feel you must PROVE yourself to be better at home? Prove to whom?
No man, from my POV your doing well. Should you spend time on your port? Sometimes, but when you feel like it. Coming home from a job where you pushed yourself for non interesting assets to push yourself more does not make a balanced human.
So those that say "make art". STFU, n00b!
If I'm out of work chances are I'll have enough stuff to make a new portfolio, if not, I'm still able to find work based on my 2009 portfolio.
this all while not having a real income for the last few months.
I have guilt... or I wouldnt call it that, but the feeling of being left behind by the industry almost 24/7 if im not working.
so yeah. I'm adding myself to the group of people who DOESNT know how to balance life with work.
Fast forward a few years and i've learned tools at my studio and I began to do less art here and there, and more focus on technical aspects of asset creation and bug seeking because all of this falls under our responsibility. Working for a client or studio means you need to sacrifice several things that you would normally take for granted, because in the end, you're trying to make everyone happy. Including yourself. Well it's not that simple, so that's why I like to focus on personal projects at home when I have a chance.
Yet still, even when i'm working on personal projects outside of work, I get simply exhausted and too tired since ive been grinding all day on whatever it is i've been working on. Artists block, mental exhaustion, all of that falls in...
And then you browse polycount, or play some new games, and see a new post that just have some kick ass artwork. You quickly realize how difficult it is to really keep up and telling yourself how much you need to set yourself to that level or beyond. It seems like every chance I get to sit down and check out new UDK features, a new release is out, and by then i've already been bogged down by several responsibilities outside of work that really confine my creative freedom.
So I tell myself, here and there, when I can. I'm going to make something simple, and refine it and make it look cool. At least, make it better than your last, that way you know you're still continually learning. Then perhaps you can please yourself...
After all you can't please everyone.
have a think, somewhere in the realm of creating stuff- games or otherwise, is there something different you could see yourself spending hours on end doing without getting bored or fed up? just as an exercise, it doesn't have to be well thought out for now
Just enjoy yourself and try to rediscover your drive and look after yourself and family
I think it's because whether you like or not, we're all ambitious people. Artists especially, and most of us lack the foundation of being 'ambitious'... Patience. Don't get down on your self or even dare to feel guilty. This isn't going to help you. Instead pick up small hobbies here and there that would help your career as a game artist. Make yourself miss it once in a while (personal projects). Over doing something burns anybody out, that's just part of being human, but you also should find a way for yourself to enjoy the mundane (living in the moment type of philosophy).
Clear your head, stop feeling guilty. You have no one judging you BUT yourself, i think this is more of a dilemma in over thinking things. One of my favorite quotes by alan watts (this is not verbatim, just the high-concept)
"when all you do is spend most your days thinking, all you have to think about is thoughts."
Meaning, your head fills up with trash, things that hold no value, it's just chatter inside your head. And this is where i think your guilt may be coming from. Just breathe and be thankful you have a job, and the abilities that got you that job. Enjoy what you do, man!
My most rational advice here would be, be conscious of where this attitude starts doing you more evil then good. If your drive to become better turns into self loathing or panic of constant job insecurity then you should just drop that mentality and only keep up with the demands of your current workplace and let the industry out of sight for a while. You'll catch up when you feel like and it's not that hard when you actually have a fulltime job making game art. Just make sure you're conscious about doing your job very well and you'll be allright, man.
On the other hand I've taken this attitude to huge extremes myself and it 'caused some pretty bad and unhealthy things in my life, but I guess, since I saw a purpose in all of this I don't regret a single bit. So maybe with a proper job the point of this starts slowly slipping away and in that case I'd say drop it once again. At least for a while.
Keep it strong, buddy, and do not demotivate. You are much more than your portfolio. You are your innovative thorough approach and fresh problem solving, you are your human skills, you are your team playing abilities, and you are your artistic vision, that stretches far beyond particular assets. And if you just do your job wholeheartedly you'll have a lot of friends to testify that.
TLDR: So as much as being an artist is about keeping up with latest trends it's also just about being a good artist:D
cheers
p.s. another nice idea is to have another hobby that you could enjoy perfecting yourself in. That way you don't generally feel like you're waisting time, but rather just work on a different skill.
I used to feel guilty about not updating my portfolio or doing work on the side but then I realised I need to do other things to have a balanced life. if you are doing art for 3/4 or more of your waking hours you will either be super burned out in no time, or a complete social retard from lack of going out and meeting/talking to people.
Worst case scenario, I get laid off, get severance and then up to a years worth of EI benefits which is 60% of your salary here in BC, easily liveable. in that time I could work on my portfolio, look for jobs etc. Sometimes I even contemplate this route just to take a breather from the daily rat race.
Dont feel guilty, not living your life outside of work is probably the one thing you will regret when you look back at your life, so I would definitely recommend just doing what you want and not feeling forced to do what you think you should.
Ever since I got a job about a year ago, I've been wanting to work on something personal, but I've never really managed to find that drive I used to have when I was in school, before breaking into the industry.
I used to feel that guilt, I occasionally do at times. And the guilt I had took away the pleasure I got from gaming (used to be quite the gamer). I'd end up feeling bad for having played games instead of making art. I'm trying to make myself realize that I put a solid week's worth of work at the studio, there's no need to feel bad for not making art at home during my free time.
Sometimes I'd end up going nuts, sitting in front of my monitors and staring blankly at an empty max scene, WANTING to start something, but not getting anywhere, especially after having spent 8 hours at work.
Thanks for sharing your stories/opinions, guys. I know I'm not the OP, but it's great to know I'm not alone.
*edit*
I totally agree. I got into photography about 5 months ago. It was a great way to get away from the computer, and yet still practice a form of art, one that can directly benefit my 3D.
Yes this, I draw in my spare time instead of 3D. Usually with markers. Quick fast and it helps me think of new ideas to use at work
That's a bad time to be burnt out. Because then you don't even have the ability to say "Well at least I did art today at my job", and you feel doubly guilty not feeling like you can force yourself to do it once you finally get home.
I think what you're encountering is just trying to find that balance, seems like everyone's got a bit different of requirements in their life to achieve that balance.
From my point of view, so long as when you go to sleep you're able to answer the question "What good have I done today?" and feel good about your answer - you're good to go.
This is a good way of sustaining your life, but I feel that to be competitive you have to spend more time that just an hour or two three times a week to really get anywhere.
Well mainly myself and the people I work with especially the ones who decide to hire me on permanent later. It's pretty much all about growing as an artist and at the same time trying to get a more stable secure future.
I'll try, people working with an incredible pace though on these forums makes me stressed out. (Yes I'm looking at you Snefer, crazy fast)
Yeah maybe I should just do that, spend time and energy making sure I make good friends with people at the company, show that I'm a hard worker and do some awesome art at work.
I do, gaming and photography. It's really nice, but I still get that nagging feeling of guilt buzzing in my head, always knowing that every second of life that I'm awake, I could've spent it on improving my skills directly instead of relaxing. ^^
True true, there are people in a much worse position than I'm in and I think that's a good thing to do, as long as you know that you've progressed some it's alright. I do art at work everyday after all.
Me
Maybe it will, it's been raining for days! WEEKS! Crazy. When I left England to come back home to Sweden I thought: Oh maybe now I might not have to deal with the rain.
*arrives in Malmö*
...one more + ... for seven years now:) .. i guess that's the curse of the cg grunts:) so my advice is.. don't drawn in the work totally.. get outside, get a hobby etc. don't stick to the pc 24/7 - try to relax and you will start to find time and motivation doing personal art stuffz:)
Perhaps this feeling of guilt you have is triggered by what people above are saying, but perhaps it's a little bit of a creative itch too. You work on other people's projects all day. Sure, you can add your own element and touch of creativity to those projects, but you haven't made something raw that you can call your own in a while. I definitely get like this!
Hi my name is fearian and I'm totally demotivated.
I finished Uni about four or five months ago now with good grades and two solid starts on what could be nice portfolio pieces. In my last year of uni, I went from going weeks without making much to working every waking hour of the day. I probably did a good third+ of my work in the last three weeks. After my deadlines I was pretty burned out but feeling good about my work ethic. I decided I would take a month off work until I was back home and I had time to finish up my projects.
A month turned to two months, I had holidays, personal drama and all sorts of excuses to put off working. Now I'm a month out of excuses and I cannot get back into the swing of things. Chris is right in that I feel totally guilty about it. I don't want to go out because I feel like I should be at home working, but if I am, I barely get anything done.
What I'm saying is, my problem is my 'breather' got the better of me. I feel out of the loop from my projects, and when I look at how messy I left them in the rush to finish uni, I despair at all the cleaning up I'll have to do before I even get back into it. It's much easier to read some tutorial, tidy up some files and shove it to the back of my mind. It's because of this disconnect that I feel guilty. I don't even have a good excuse like Chris!
Help me Polycount, you're my only hope!
You could make your portfolio site link work, i wanna see it
I have a method that I really shouldn't recommend but I thought I'd share it anyway. I work on several projects at the same time, each of these are different from each other. The differences are the theme, technique in which I use and the material on the character(some are mostly made out of hard surface). When I get tired of one of these projects I just switch over to whichever one I feel like doing. This way I always have something to do and I rarely get sick of any of my projects. I always finish these projects up, of course
If you work all day long making art and arent improving as an artist, you really have to ask yourself why not. There's a huge difference between not improving as an artist and not making the portfolio YOU want to make. Working 40+ hours a week, there is bound to be stuff you can use on your portfolio (once the NDA is done). But it all comes down to what you want your portfolio to look like. Do you want to put your work stuff on it that may not be something you would model if not told to, or do you wanna have it 100% your personality and your creativity. If you do just work stuff, it may not be the flashiest portfolio, but solid work is solid work...
Thanks, I think that's what I want to try this week. This thread got me to finally open up my UDK scene and start deleteing placeholder stuff and sorting out the stupid file system I had. Now I've got it clean and ready to do some actual modelling it feels good man!
I've tried that two projects on the go before, it was quite nice to be able to refresh myself!
So i will be updating at some point all the work that i did, whenever the games go gold. But in the meantime i don't feel guilty about me not doing any personal work. Work is my personal hobby and what i do and learn through here will always stay with me. To me, that is worth 100 times more. I do appreciate the time i got to spend on my portfolio, now i just need to update with my current work, and now that i have some extra time revisit some of the things i am in the middle off.
Comes oct or nov, i'll have new projects to look fwd to, and in the meantime i do prototypes here at work and learn new skills and programs. Very satisfying.
I have all my 3d-tools on autostart at home... is that a bad sign?
chris: I dunno, i think its something that goes up and down, for me it also depends on how rewarding work is at the moment. Some of the games i have worked on turned out great as games, but really boring stuff to work on, so then I tend to push harder on my personal folio, since the stuff I do at work is so techincal i cant really use it in my folio anyway. Most people stop working on their folios when they have a stable job, true story. ^^ Sometimes you simply need a break from doing folio work.(even though i might not be a good example of this)
Hehe, I found a while back that simply NEVER SHUTTING OFF MY PC worked for me.
Going to the pimping forum is usually a way to get me going with my day. After getting a job, finding the time to actively work on personal art (though I do take a break and make things in other styles from my stuff at work) is tricky for me. Variety is extremely helpful in keeping myself active and fresh.
It's tough doing same thing over and over and over and over. Even if you like it.
I've started a couple of material studies, I'm currently trying to get good concrete, do a couple of modular sets of concrete textures then move onto another material like metal. It's quick and rewarding.
Working in a gamecompany is enough to get better daily. If you don't, i'm so sorry to say you may have reached your limit. Try to find fastest ways to work, and just take things in the easy way and avoid monotony. It's very common to get "collapsed" when we want to do several things at once. And remember, a building i not builded in one day, it takes years and total perseverance.
You want to produce better things? stay as fresh as possible.
Another thing is that we must don't forget our work may be a shit, boring as hell. Sometimes i think: "3dmonkey job, wtf!". But as with all jobs, sometimes is better, sometimes worse, the work is work.
just my 2 cents
The way I see is that if you put your maximum effort in what you are doing currently (esp. if it is rewarding) then you'll have good time, learn a lot, earn respect of your peers for good work you are doing and have kickass portfolio pieces in the end.
If you have a special project in mind that you would love to work on your spare time, sure. Otherwise, I see no need to spread yourself thin.
If you do more than you will dry up yourself not only at home, but at work as well. Your idea for the materials is great, having you do writings and tutorials is always a big plus on learning and making sure one understands it.
I find it actually helps me enjoy coming to work and putting in those extra hours if need be more then anything. I get to do what I love for at least 8 hours at work every day. I dont need to come home and work more to feel satisfied with what I have done. Instead I use that time to do other things in life I enjoy, even if that is doing nothing more then just kicking back and relaxing.
You go from young, energy filled, savage killer, pumping out shit to achieve youre goal of getting good enough to break in, to laid back easy going guy that talks alot and has an oppinion on everything. You get to the goal and instead of picking the goalpost up and throwing it way the fuck down the field again your like.. Ahhhhhhhhhh *puts feet up on couch* and you know what, more power to you if thats the way you want to go. But let me tell you - those are typically the guys who when they fall out of jobs, find it tough to get in again, especially if they havent been keeping relevant with their skills. If anyones butthurt by that comment, then you probably know your one of those guys.
But I definitely know the guilt feeling youre talking about all too well and now I use it like a wakeupcall.. "FUCK I've been slacking, time to work on some shit!
So if youre asking me, what I would do? I would say fuck all this advice about relaxing and chilling out "after work" because that doesnt jive with me, in fact that would make me feel even guiltier!!!
I enjoy working all day long in a games company, and then coming home and unleashing my own art. Because I enjoy spending my time doing this stuff - after hours is the time I get to make shit I WANT TO MAKE, untainted by anything else, and why would I deprive myself of something I enjoy doing!? Maybe im actually a brilliant musician but I didnt know - too bad, I chose this and I enjoy it so im going ballsdeep until I dont enjoy it anymore.
Doing this stuff for money = work - your paid to do a task the way your asked to do it.
Doing this stuff on your own time = love - make whatever you want, they way you want to no restrictions except your own ability, imagination and creativity.
For me this is all like a relationship and like any other there are positives and negatives, and compromises and sacrfices to be made, but if overal the benefits are positive then I think thats a good thing, if its not, you probably need to make some adjustments.
I realise that its not the way for many people as they generally have a huge array of hobbies, or family other than this 'work' stuff, but to me this dilemma is totally personal, its 100% about you and noone else.
Ultimately, no one can know what makes you tick except you dude, I believe you already know the answer to this stuff - listen to what your guts telling you.
P.S I was once asked why I was making game models outside of working hours - And there was concerns, because the stuff I was making was absolutely opposite of what I was working on inhouse. I was really pissed off by this because A) My freetime is my time, I'll make whatever the hell I want to make and
Edit: I guess the whole reason for my train of thought is because typically when you do this stuff for a job, your largely spending the biggest chunk of your life bringing someone elses ideas and vision to reality, done in a way thats already mostly predetermined, maybe adding your own little touches here and there. ( which is not a bad thing, hell its great exp, but should just be one piece of the pie )
By choosing to go to work, and then turning off the tap and stopping cold after 8-9 hours, your doing yourself a great disservice. Youre essentially never giving yourself enough time to explore what YOU are capable of as an artist. I think thats just the sadest thing ever to be honest. IMO Your ideas, potential and creativity as an individual artist deserves time - thats where youll get the biggest growth, artistically and personally. Just look at the last few years when you were attacking this stuff like a killer - the proofs right there.
BTW I dont see this as being about having an awesome folio, or even having a job man its all about just feeding that hungry artist inside you. I might sound like a maniac - but I play games, watch movies and go on weekend outings as often as I can with my wife. What I dont do a lot of is spend idle time fucking about on the internet where hours upon hours can just dissapear for absolutely no gain for my quest to be an artist.
Folks here have raised a lots of good points. IMHO, if you're feeling guilty, you may need to put more time into your personal stuff. This is an incredibly competitive industry and we need to improve constantly. So you keep working till you can, but if you're not being productive and getting better (which you can measure objectively), you need to take a break and come back with fresh eyes. As artists we need fuel. Books, movies, games, whatever. Your personal work's where you try out new ideas and techniques that's different from work stuff, so you can recharge and refresh yourself. But once you start something, it's on. Finish it.
I don't think loads of pressure helps in learning or getting better. Relax, set achieveable goals, and make sure you achieve them.
Just my two cents.
Playing video games and movies just does all that fun work for you.
I like books.
Drawing on the right side of the brain is a pretty good book.
I could probably write an entire viewpoint now but I'm going to sleep. You know some people aren't able to sleep as much as they used to? Crazy right?
It's hard to say when is an okay time to take a breather. I guess it really comes down to the individual and what his/her goals are. I know at one point I just looked over my portfolio and thought, "This is a good enough representation of where I'm at with my art, it could be better but I'm okay with it, and I just want to do other things and chill when I'm not at work."
For the last couple years I've been taking it a lot more easy on doing personal stuff. I have a model I pick away at when I feel like it, but I don't feel the need or desire to stay up till 3 or 4 am hammering away on a project. Doing personal art is great but there definitely needs to be a balance. If you keep forcing yourself to make art even when you're tired or burned out, the work just suffers in the end, which can be very frustrating.
If you're really feeling guilty about not doing art when at home, you can always at least look at a lot of art. It's always good to go through tons of artwork (online galleries, art books, or other) and just try to determine what it is you like about the pieces you're looking at - basically focus on training your eye. Then, when you do eventually do some work, you will have a stronger idea of what you like, what you feel works well, and why.
Using the guilt-feeling like a wake-up call, that's a good one.
I kinda realized that I literally have dozens of tabs open in my browser that just wait for me to get to them and read some game art related goodies. So as much as studying is about practice it's about theory as well. And instead of making art all the time to become better you could just spend an hour a day to read all the great info that's around and then do a personal project once every few month to test out everything you've learned and try to apply it in your workflow if your day job does not allow that. I must say that a breather between projects is the time I kinda learn most. I look for new techniques and ideas and you can do that without actually making art for a while. And at the end of the day you're still a better artist and you're working on yourself.
I also tend to do preproduction for a lot of ideas I have simultaneously until I have enough reference/ideas that inspire me to plunge into proper production. Maybe this is something that could be useful to you as well?
I'll add to this one little thing from my life.
I spent 3 years in a studio work my ass off on hard-surface models. all the while assuming I would get done with this project and move straight into a character position.
that was the biggest mistake I've ever made.
The fact was, I spent three years not learning SHIT about character modeling and when I left that job I realized how behind I really was.
So yeah like Hazardous says, if your not EXACTLY where you want to be, take a look at the road ahead and do what you need to to get there.
Although you do have to remember its also a delicate timing balance. For myself, right now we are crunching away to finish Uncharted 3 up here and have been for a while. I haven't done anything personal in a months but I am ok with that. Not because I am just kicking up my feet and not caring about personal stuff, but because I am very invested in my work and take a lot of personal pride in doing the best work I can.
I haven't had a problem not doing anything personal because I enjoy what I do at work so much more then just another "cog" in a machine making a game. For me, all the free time I have I want to put into making our game one of the best there is to make it a truly awesome experience for those who pick it up and get lost in the world. Much the same the way I felt when I was little playing games like Zelda and such.
I can wait till the project is over to ease to a more comfortable work schedule so I can do some cool personal projects I have been kicking around for a while. But like with everything in life, dont just do things to do them. Find that balance that makes you happy.
Doing a ton of personal work or work related work dosnt make you a great artist. And enjoying a balance of work and non work dosnt make you a bad or lazy artist. None of that matters really. What matters is that you are doing the best work you can and constantly push yourself to be a better artist whether its in your personal work or your production work.