Swearing is ok, assuming you can pull it off without it sounding trite, or forced. If you must use it, though, I'd suggest limiting it to dialogue; leave it out of the narration/internal monologue. Additionally -- and this is more of a pre-emptive bit of advice -- if you're going to have swearing, please don't go all half-assed and use santised versions. Patient Zero did this, and it never failed to sound utterly silly (what with hardened soldiers yelling "Eff this!", "Eff you!" and "Effing hell!")
Watch your vocab; make sure the verb/adjective/adverb fits the subject:
"I silence the flame" <-- Snuff out, extinguish, NOT SILENCE.
"I took the shot" <-- "I hurled the knife." You could pretty this up a lot more, too. Expand on it.
Watch your compound words:
gun shot --> gunshot
ass hole --> asshole
I can sort of see what you're trying to do with the latest passage, but it's not really conveying much to me. You've got a decent start with some of the descriptions and atmosphere, but I'm not really feeling the whole "oh well, I'm gonna die" resignation. Part of it stems from the apparent circumstances, what with him just kinda milling about. There's a certain disconnect here, and a better idea of his circumstances might alleviate that. Was he abandoned by his unit? Was he separated and thought KIA? Did his entire unit get wiped out while on a Zerg hunt within these caverns, leaving him alone and cut off?
"I knew my strength was replenishing."
Bit of a sudden turnaround, all things considered, especially since just a second ago, he was in danger of passing out. Either link the receiver with his growing strength; maybe he's now got something to focus his mind on, instead of drifting all over the place. Aternately have a bit of a transitional sentence block, slapping himself awake, forcing himself to concentrate, or something. Even if you change nothing else, though, try this on for size instead:
"I felt my strength returning."
Arguable:
"I am alone. Forsaken. Just another dead soldier in this war, mere food for the Zerg army."
taylor - there is nothing, and i mean nothing wrong with swearing in a story about a wounded soldier. Hell, as far as colour goes, it's almost a requirement. Quit with the apologies, just do your thing.
Here is the extension of that Zerg piece. I've narrated the marines abandonment and extended the descriptions of the actual cave scenario.
Hope you like it. I'm fairly happy with the way that it turned out.
edit - As you can probably tell, I'm putting in decent bits from my other pieces and putting them into this.
Before I get back to some more pixel art, I thought I'd drop this one that immediately caught my attention: tense. Pick one, and stick to it. If you /must/ change tense, be sure it makes sense to do so. You started off with present continuous, then moved to present, then to past tense. At some point you moved back to present.
I'm actually really attached to this one. I was awake at midnight and couldn't get to sleep so I spent alot of time on this. I consider this to be my best piece so far. I really got in there and detailed every last bit. I think it sounds and reads pretty well but thats just me putting all of my soul into this one bit of writing
Edit - My word 'palette' is alot more complex now. -
Large blocks of italics induce nausea; you don't want your readers vomiting into wastebaskets instead of reading, right?
In reading, it feels like you've thrown in a bunch of big words without considering their definitions and usage. A lot of the words you've used could be trimmed without changing the actual content, and would make it read a lot smoother. Bigger isn't always better, and spending too much time digging through your thesaurus for the perfect word may end up alienating a lot of readers. Moreover, it seems that in your search for larger words, your grammar self destructed. Tense is hard to determine, compound words have been split, and at times articles forgotten entirely.
You have succeeded in making me want to know the history of Alkazar'din, though.
Off the top of my head, and picking from current authors, I recommend reading Patrick Rothfuss's 'The Name of the Wind'
I don't mean to sound like a dick either, but this guys' writing, and the book as a whole, is terrible. Finding well written genre books is pretty hard. I suggest some real authors-- this would be a pretty good place to start:
Somehow I don't think this guy is aiming to write pulitzer prize winning novels at this stage...
I'm guessing that you don't read a lot of fantasy, if you think Rothfuss is shit? Sure, he might not be Umberto Eco but as a debut novelist he is already very good at his craft, and miles better than most of the generic fantasy writers out there. And to be honest, it's a bit insulting to insinuate that he is not a 'real author'. Out of curiosity, what fantasy writers are you a fan of?
To the OP: Have you thought about one of those idea books that has a different writing excersize on every page? Or even fellow forum members suggesting various scenarios and maybe a few people comparing results?
Such as:
A pirate, once feared, has just walked out of the jail he occupied for three decades. Now an old man, he walks slowly to the docks. Describe to me what he feels, thinks and does as his feet come to rest in the sand and the sun warms his back.
Replies
Watch your vocab; make sure the verb/adjective/adverb fits the subject:
"I silence the flame" <-- Snuff out, extinguish, NOT SILENCE.
"I took the shot" <-- "I hurled the knife." You could pretty this up a lot more, too. Expand on it.
Watch your compound words:
gun shot --> gunshot
ass hole --> asshole
I can sort of see what you're trying to do with the latest passage, but it's not really conveying much to me. You've got a decent start with some of the descriptions and atmosphere, but I'm not really feeling the whole "oh well, I'm gonna die" resignation. Part of it stems from the apparent circumstances, what with him just kinda milling about. There's a certain disconnect here, and a better idea of his circumstances might alleviate that. Was he abandoned by his unit? Was he separated and thought KIA? Did his entire unit get wiped out while on a Zerg hunt within these caverns, leaving him alone and cut off?
"I knew my strength was replenishing."
Bit of a sudden turnaround, all things considered, especially since just a second ago, he was in danger of passing out. Either link the receiver with his growing strength; maybe he's now got something to focus his mind on, instead of drifting all over the place. Aternately have a bit of a transitional sentence block, slapping himself awake, forcing himself to concentrate, or something. Even if you change nothing else, though, try this on for size instead:
"I felt my strength returning."
Arguable:
"I am alone. Forsaken. Just another dead soldier in this war, mere food for the Zerg army."
- The silenced the flame thing is really stupid now that you've mentioned it. I guess I wasn't paying attention or I was feeling lazy yesterday.
Spelling's a bit important if you want to be a writer
Hope you like it. I'm fairly happy with the way that it turned out.
edit - As you can probably tell, I'm putting in decent bits from my other pieces and putting them into this.
Edit - My word 'palette' is alot more complex now. -
In reading, it feels like you've thrown in a bunch of big words without considering their definitions and usage. A lot of the words you've used could be trimmed without changing the actual content, and would make it read a lot smoother. Bigger isn't always better, and spending too much time digging through your thesaurus for the perfect word may end up alienating a lot of readers. Moreover, it seems that in your search for larger words, your grammar self destructed. Tense is hard to determine, compound words have been split, and at times articles forgotten entirely.
You have succeeded in making me want to know the history of Alkazar'din, though.
I don't mean to sound like a dick either, but this guys' writing, and the book as a whole, is terrible. Finding well written genre books is pretty hard. I suggest some real authors-- this would be a pretty good place to start:
http://www.pulitzer.org/bycat/Fiction
I'm guessing that you don't read a lot of fantasy, if you think Rothfuss is shit? Sure, he might not be Umberto Eco but as a debut novelist he is already very good at his craft, and miles better than most of the generic fantasy writers out there. And to be honest, it's a bit insulting to insinuate that he is not a 'real author'. Out of curiosity, what fantasy writers are you a fan of?
To the OP: Have you thought about one of those idea books that has a different writing excersize on every page? Or even fellow forum members suggesting various scenarios and maybe a few people comparing results?
Such as:
A pirate, once feared, has just walked out of the jail he occupied for three decades. Now an old man, he walks slowly to the docks. Describe to me what he feels, thinks and does as his feet come to rest in the sand and the sun warms his back.
etc etc.