(i cleaned it up a little for this thread. Maybe you've heard a slightly dirtier version...)
so this guy walks into a talent agent's office, and he says, "have i got an act for you!", and the agent says, "well what kind of act is it?", and the guy says, "it's a family act. You see, it's myself, my wife, my son, my daughter, our 2 dogs, and--", and the agent says, "sorry, pal. I don't book family acts", but the guy persists: "but wait! This act is really quite special. You see it starts out with my wife, who walks out on stage completely
--", and the agent interrupts him. "hey. Buddy. I said i don't book family acts. I don't want to hear it. Now stop wasting my time". The two men looked at each other silently for a brief moment before the agent shakes his head and turns his attention to some paperwork as the other man walks out of the office, a little bit offended that the agent had not taken the time to listen to the description of his act before dismissing him, but he wouldn't let it bring him down. He went down the street into an ice cream parlor and said to the clerk, "i'd like your most delicious item from the menu". Upon tasting the item that he was served he said,
"hmm.. Not bad. what do you call it?", and he replied,
, "a banana split."
the aristocrats!
edit: okay like 4 people got it before me, i need to read threads better
A man and a boy walk into the woods. The boy turns to the man and says, "Mister, I'm scared." The man turns to the boy and says, "How do you think I feel, I have to leave here alone."
So there are three guys, all convincted of crimes punished by death by beheading. All three of their execution days are set for the same day, and by the same guillotine. The day comes, and the three line up to meet their fate. However, the land they live in has the rule that should the guillotine ever malfunction and not manage to cut off the guy's head on the first try, the guy is allowed to walk free.
The first of the three criminals in the line walks up and places his head in the guillotine. The executioner steps up and throws the switch to drop the blade of the guillotine. The blade drops about a foot or two, then screeches to a halt feet above the first guy's head. Distraught though the townsfolk were, the man was set free.
People scramble up to the guillotine and begin oiling it and greasing it and testing to make sure the blade is properly mobile again. When they are satisfied, the second man walks up and places his head in the guillotine. Once again, the executioner throws the switch and the blade comes falling down. It seems like it will work properly until it comes screeching to a halt, mere inches above the guy's neck. Even more distraught than last time, the townsfolk allow the guy to walk free.
They go over the blade once more, oiling and greasing and trying it out again and again to make sure it will work the final time. When they finally think it will work properly, they call for the final criminal. The guy stops, holds up his arms, shakes his head and says,
"Uh-uh, there's no way I'm getting in there until you're sure it's fixed!"
(I cleaned it up a little for this thread. Maybe you've heard a slightly dirtier version...)
So this guy walks into a talent agent's office, and he says, "Have I got an act for you!", and the agent says, "Well what kind of act is it?", and the guy says, "It's a family act. You see, it's myself, my wife, my son, my daughter, our 2 dogs, and--", and the agent says, "Sorry, pal. I don't book family acts", but the guy persists: "But wait! This act is really quite special. You see it starts out with my wife, who walks out on stage completely
--", and the agent interrupts him. "Hey. Buddy. I said I don't book family acts. I don't want to hear it. Now stop wasting my time". The two men looked at each other silently for a brief moment before the agent shakes his head and turns his attention to some paperwork as the other man walks out of the office, a little bit offended that the agent had not taken the time to listen to the description of his act before dismissing him, but he wouldn't let it bring him down. He went down the street into an ice cream parlor and said to the clerk, "I'd like your most delicious item from the menu". Upon tasting the item that he was served he said,
"Hmm.. Not bad. What do you call it?", and he replied,
, "A banana split."
Bizzaro aristocrats? Makes even less sense that way :P
Replies
Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.
Ouch.
Man A: My dog has no nose.
Man B: How does it smell?
Man A:
*puke*
hah this one is great.
Ugh! I can't believe I laughed at that... I feel so dirty
What do you call a gay Dinosaur?
What do you call a lesbian Dinosaur?
;p
>^..^<
the aristocrats!
edit: okay like 4 people got it before me, i need to read threads better
The first of the three criminals in the line walks up and places his head in the guillotine. The executioner steps up and throws the switch to drop the blade of the guillotine. The blade drops about a foot or two, then screeches to a halt feet above the first guy's head. Distraught though the townsfolk were, the man was set free.
People scramble up to the guillotine and begin oiling it and greasing it and testing to make sure the blade is properly mobile again. When they are satisfied, the second man walks up and places his head in the guillotine. Once again, the executioner throws the switch and the blade comes falling down. It seems like it will work properly until it comes screeching to a halt, mere inches above the guy's neck. Even more distraught than last time, the townsfolk allow the guy to walk free.
They go over the blade once more, oiling and greasing and trying it out again and again to make sure it will work the final time. When they finally think it will work properly, they call for the final criminal. The guy stops, holds up his arms, shakes his head and says,
"Uh-uh, there's no way I'm getting in there until you're sure it's fixed!"
What did one saggy boob say to the other?
If we don't get some support soon, people are going think to we're nuts!
:poly142:
Edit: Thanks Tumerboy!
Bizzaro aristocrats? Makes even less sense that way :P
The Greek said, "We have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replied, "Ah, but we have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorted, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, said, "Yes, but we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek unveils his secret weapon. With a flourish of finality he exclaimed, "We Greeks invented sex!"
The Italian paused. "That is true, that is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
ok, i have to stop trying...
a Netto carrier bag
... doesn't work in all territories i know, but still
What do you get when you cross Elton John with a sabertooth tiger?
(I dunno, but you better keep it away from your ass)