Cover Letter Critique

Samuraidragon13

Hello everyone. I'm looking to apply for a qa tester position at telltale and I feel that I haven't been making my cover letters right. Thank you in advance for the critiques

Jonathon Kaufman
2355 West Capitol Ave Spc 46
West Sacramento, CA 95691
916-256-8104
jonathonkaufman@hotmail.com

Telltale Games
San Raphael, CA
415.258.1638

Dear Ms. Kara Henander,
Hello, my name is Jonathon Kaufman. I am writing in interest to the QA Tester position advertised on your website. I’m a graduate from The Art Institute of California-Sacramento, with a Bachelor of Science in Game Art and Design, focusing in Environment Art. I volunteered for the International Game Developers Association at last years Game Developers Conference and have been offered a spot for this years conference.
Over at Apple we have to work very closely as a team to test, document, and track any visual or mechanical defects on computer and phone screens. My experience there has also honed and furthered my understanding of modern computer systems.
With my experience from working at Nascent Games and my student projects I have furthered my understanding of modern game systems and the game production process. QA testing is a large important part of the development process and I would be honored to further my games industry experience by joining the Telltale Games team.
Thank you so much for your time. I hope to hear from you soon regarding a potential interview with your team. I will follow up in one week by email. Please feel free to email me at jonathonkaufman@hotmail.com or call me at 916-256-8104.

Sincerely,
Jonathon Kaufman

Equanim

Not bad, you hit all of the bullet points but it could be less formal. Think of it as though you're leaving a voicemail to someone you shook hands with at a conference, not writing a book report to a total stranger.

blankslatejoe

I'd remove your contact info from this post, btw (not the thing you send, obviously, just this post of it).... Not because I think any polycounters are going to mail you poop or anything, but because scrapping bots might pick up your info and add it to spam lists.

As for the letter itself, grammar wise, this sounds a little awkward to me: "and have been offered a spot for this years conference."

I think "and I've been invited to return for this year's conference." might sound better. Also, "year's" is possessive and needs an apostrophe.

Also, you kind of go into the Apple thing without an introduction. What do you do at Apple? You should provide some quick context; a single sentence or half-sentence would be enough, like "Over the past x years I have worked at Apple as a ____, where we work very closely as a team...."

Overall though, it looks pretty good. Solid and to the point. The only missing thing is WHY telltale? You have a great opportunity to add a half-sentence at the end saying how much of a fan you are.

Goodluck!

Samuraidragon13

Thank you guys.
@Equanim I made a minor adjustment to the beginning to make it sound less formal.
@blankslatejoe I made the adjustments to conference part and to the apple section and both sections do read a lot better.

Dear Ms. Kara Henander,
Hello, my name is Jonathon Kaufman. I am interested in the QA Tester position advertised on your website. I’m a graduate from The Art Institute of California-Sacramento, with a Bachelor of Science in Game Art and Design, focusing in Environment Art. I volunteered for the International Game Developers Association at last year’s Game Developers Conference and I’ve been invited to return for this year’s conference.
Over the past 3 month’s working for Volt at Apple as a QA Analyst, I have worked very closely as a member of a team to test, document, and track any visual or mechanical defects on computer and phone screens. My experience there has also honed and furthered my understanding of modern computer systems.
With my experience from working at Nascent Games and my student projects I have furthered my understanding of modern game systems and the game production process. QA testing is a large important part of the development process and I would be honored to further my games industry experience by joining the Telltale Games team. Telltale’s style and gameplay is extraordinary, and what they have done with The Walking Dead series and Tales from the Borderlands is absolutely amazing.
Thank you so much for your time. I hope to hear from you soon regarding a potential interview with your team. I will follow up in one week by email. Please feel free to email me at jonathonkaufman@hotmail.com or call me at 916-256-8104.
Sincerely,
Jonathon Kaufman

LMP

They like to see a cover letter with personality one that's really going to catch the attention of the QA team leads. Just to be sure, you have applied or are going to apply to the Jobvite posting on their website, they won't even consider you if you don't.

I know some people in Telltale's QA department.

Samuraidragon13

Thank you, LMP. Yeah I applied through Telltale's website

MiAlx

While I agree with almost everything Nerf Bat Ninja said above me, I kinda disagree with his first point (intro).

I would maybe not write stuff like "I am a big fan! I think Telltale is mega great!" (especially exclamation marks, I only use them in rare cases in cover letters).

The thing is, I might be wrong to generalize of course, is that while the developers themselves might prefer to see a rather informal application expressing great passion for the company and their games ("Company x is mega awesome!", for example), I would assume most HR guys/ladies do not.

As far as I know, they want to see a good compromise between passion and professionalism. What I tend to do is write "I am writing to express my interest blabla", but then write about why I want to work there. "I really love the unique and creative art style company X developed and followed for game X. The stretched look characters have, really creates appeal and an element of mystery to the world blablabla" (I just made that up, might be a bit too much I dunno). I believe that that kind of approach gives a better impression to the people reading the cover letter.

Of course this is just my opinion.

tl;dr: super excited cover letter < mix between passionate and formal

Oh and also, I am not sure, but maybe this could help a bit:

Here is a "template" that really helped me when I was first reading up on cover letters.

Basically he breaks the cover letter down to three parts:

1) Intro, where did you find out about the job?

2) Why should they choose you?

3) Why did you choose them?

And + Looking forward to hearing from you and folio link towards the end.

Good luck!

Marshkin

So brutally honest since I actually work as a QA lead and... I've read a lot of these over the years. Yours reads like 1 in a million. And yes, we get hundreds of resumes with cover letters not unlike yours.

First off, your long list of credentials is great, but also a rehash of what I assume you already have on your resume. I zoned out around your Bachleor's degree.
Look at the role you are applying for. If I am looking for a QA tester, I don't care that you volenteer at GDC (though it's great to bring up at an interview to show you work well with a team!).
What I care about is what are you going to do for me, or for the team.
Do you have any engine experience? Have you worked with a team before? What do you think QA testing is and what would you contribute to the team? Can you apply your art degree to art testing? Remember, you need to stand out among the hundreds of cover letters that are received on a regular basis. What kind of testing would you like to do? Have you done testing before?

Keep it short of course, to the point, but sell yourself. You need to stand out and you have the credentials to do so! Just need to tweak it up a bit.

Samuraidragon13

Thank you guys.
@MiAlx Thank you for the template I will definitely be using that format from now.
@Marshkin Thank you for your critique and for all your advice. As well as the bode of confidence.

CreativeSheep

I must soon start applying for some 3D or Web Dev Jobs. My current Job has nothing to do with computers and sucks real bad. My Job is so generous they give you a $50 Bonus at Christmas, if your lucky they won't tax it

MiAlx

Nerf Bat Ninja wrote: »

I wouldn't write the "blah blah blah" part either. I was just saying that he should express a little passion and explanation as to why he wants to work at Telltale in particular. I wrote that part in a bit of a sarcastic / joking context because I didn't want him to simply copy / paste exactly what I wrote word for word.

Ah alright, I misunderstood the point you were trying to make.

Nerf Bat Ninja wrote: »

I worry for anyone who would write "mega great!" on any sort of official application document. :poly142:

haha yeah.. The thing is, I have actually seen applications like that. More than once.

IchII3D

Your cover letter feels very long winded, its not very snappy. You really want someone to breeze over it and absorb key points. I'm not sure if my cover letter is any good, but hopefully it illustrates what I mean.

I have been passionate about games development since my first computer and it has been the focus of my life; I started making levels for Team Fortress Classic as a young teenager and haven’t looked back since. Art is my strength and I have a vast amount of experience creating worlds and experiences.

Professionally I excel at pushing forward levels, working closely with Art and Design in a position of
responsibility. I'm very hands on with levels and gravitate towards level art over small prop creation. I focus on composition, construction and maintenance, enjoying communication with a broad range of disciplines to bring everything together under a unified vision. I have shipped multiple titles this way including frequent milestones and demos.

The projects I work on are what inspire me. With a passion for the development process I actively look to contribute to projects in whatever way I can outside of my specialization.

Outside professional work I remain a hobbyist doing what I love at home. This time is split between
learning new techniques, creating scenes or looking at game design concepts and mechanics. I like to focus on games development as a whole and through this I have gained a wider understanding of animation, effects and programming.

This obviously doesn't include the last paragraphs which are typically employee specifically. Try and break each paragraph into a specific point, it will help you structure your letter and remain to the point with your wording.

- Who I am
- What I can offer
- What I'm looking for
- Why I'm applying

I think I need to change mine a little though, its more of a personal reflection rather than a sales pitch, which can be good and bad.

EDIT: I also noticed your mixing up your cover letter and the initial email. I would expect something like

Hey Blah

I would like to put myself forward for position X within your company, please find enclosed my Cover Letter and CV along with links to my portfolio website bellow.

[Covering Letter Attachment]
[CV Attachment]
[Portfolio Link]

Blah Smith
blahsmith.com
1-666-666-6666
blahsmith@blah.com

Remember that first email is basically read by a recruiter or HR person. At least before it gets forwarded to the proper person. When a lead or director reviews your portfolio they prob won't even read this paragraph and quickly open up your portfolio or CV. Its only after if they see good experience and work they will read your cover letter. At least that's how I do it anyway, but everyone is different.

I would start your covering letter with a point "I'm a graduate of blah blah" not with something like "Hey, my name is Blah Smith" If I want to know your name I will check the top of your CV. Remember to put the correct information in the correct place and don't double up if you don't need to. Unless your using it as a valuable point to make.