A resonable question from a nice, decent person.
polycounter lvl 17
Why the fuck to my fiances keep leaving me?
I'm serious, this is my second in 3 years, what the fuck am I doing wrong.
I'm decent, got a good job, I care, I am loving, and I'm not a complete bastard (I think).
This ones excuse was 'I want to be independent again'. I thought the idea of being in a relationship was being able to depend on each other. Man, I feel so shit, that even my flying is suffering. My CO took me off duties for the next couple of days, but I just don't see why everyone keeps leaving me. I'm a nice guy. I think.
Anyway, /end drunken rant. Mods, delete this if you feel the need, but typing stuff at 3am on a website that I love is actually a decent outlet.
Fuck
I'm serious, this is my second in 3 years, what the fuck am I doing wrong.
I'm decent, got a good job, I care, I am loving, and I'm not a complete bastard (I think).
This ones excuse was 'I want to be independent again'. I thought the idea of being in a relationship was being able to depend on each other. Man, I feel so shit, that even my flying is suffering. My CO took me off duties for the next couple of days, but I just don't see why everyone keeps leaving me. I'm a nice guy. I think.
Anyway, /end drunken rant. Mods, delete this if you feel the need, but typing stuff at 3am on a website that I love is actually a decent outlet.
Fuck
Replies
To be fair the excuse your girlfriend used was indeed a valid one and you really have to respect it. That said I would follow up with a number of questions about the relationship in a few months time when the emotions simmer. Go ahead and give her call, and when you do make sure to work in a few questions into the conversation like:
1. What was it about me that bothered you?
2. What could I have done differently?
Shell be honest with her answers if she cared anything about you to begin with. It may be tough to swallow at first but having a former love interest evaluate you like this will prepare you for the next go round.
By the way have you taken note of the type of women that youre meeting up with, is there a pattern?
I had a buddy of mine who would constantly have his heart broken all the time. He would always whine and go on about how he cant find a good woman and that they would all end up leaving! Well a few friends and myself had a bit of an intervention with him and it seemed that we discovered a pattern in the type of women he was attracted to. This guy would always seem to end up with the most emotionally unstable women you could ever come across, I mean these women were the definition of super needy! Most guys after the first date would stay far away from women like this but he seemed to head in the other direction like a moth to a flame!
Now Im not saying the women who left you were like this or that youre as naive as my friend but there may indeed be a pattern or personality trait thats not clicking in your relationships.
Anyways Im writing this after a serious hangover so take what I said with a grain of salt since Im sure your going to receive all kinds of advise for the chaps on the board.
Good luck to you man and Im sure the third time will be a charm, keep your head up!
Yea, seriously dude. Also, how old are you and how old have they been? If I had my life to live over again knowing what I know now, I honestly would not even consider marriage before I was 30.
but yea, i agree with wat caseofchill said.
i had a gf leave me for some random reason. after a few weeks, i found out that its cuz i dont ski, ice skate, sing, dance, and im not tall and white....
so you see, there are girls / women like that in the world
u do everything u can for em, but u get shit in return
won't try to sound too deep or anything, but u just have to be careful at the speed u get into a deeper relationship with women.
some are good
some are evil
but just chill with some friends,
take a pause,
be single,
party some
and cheer up
And how did you explain the first Fiance to the Second?....You didnt call her your silver medal did you?
I agree with this.
Anyway, I agree with the above. It was probably for the better. Maybe you're hooking up with the wrong women.
a good therapist can help you get at that 'map of reality' that you have...
or you could study NLP
Haha, laughed my pants off.
Haha, classic as well.
To explain the situation, when I say I have had 2 fiances in 3 years, I mean it like this. 3 years ago my fiance (Whom I had dated for about 2 years) left me. I then dated this lady for about 2 before asking her to marry me about 3 months ago.
I do agree with what you are saying, however, and I am amazed how much good advice I can get from a drunken post. I can see the bigger picture and I suppose it is a good thing we didn't get married, as it seems now that she got into something that she didn't really want to go through with. I am trying of course to be civil about the whole thing, and when the emotions subside I do hope to have a good conversation with her.
Also, I can now see that I have many faults myself. I am rushing into relationships perhaps because I don't actually KNOW how to be single, after having about 5 solid years in relationships. I am also in the military, and have no idea what that means about anything, but statistically military members get married at younger ages. Perhaps it comes from a lack of self esteem on my part, thinking that not many women will be attracted to me and I have to hold on to the ones I can.
I dunno, but thank you all for the advice. I suppose now on I have to try and be more like :
And less like:
Cheers for the advice guys!
That being said, you have to be with someone that feels about you the way you do about them; you can't force someone to share your views, and it can be really hard to find someone you jive with really well. All I can say is PLEASE don't get into the mindset of "oh I need to be cool and snarky to get girls to be interested", because you can certainly date around using the cocky yet funny technique, but I doubt you'll find anyone you really get along with. I know everyone says it, but just keep being yourself and going out and trying new things and you'll eventually meet someone you really want to be with the rest of your life, and you'll be the same for them
caseofchill definitely had some wise words
Like others were saying, it sucks right now, but those other girls just weren't the right ones for you. Don't stop being a nice guy
I find it hilarious that people who are married or in relationships feel like they're living superior lives to those people who are single. It's a different lifestyle, not superior or inferior.
it ended rather conveniently right as I finished my time in college and in illinois as a whole (before I moved to albany). been single for a little over 6-7 months now. at first I didn't know how to handle it. I hadn't slept alone in 4 years and I saw her just about every single day for the past four years as well.
so I was geeking out a lot at first, then the stage after that was 'I gotta get in another relationship', which was a pretty lol situation (for me at least), and after that phase was realization. 1. that I don't NEED to be in a relationship (although it would be nice for certain aspects, considering I'm not a swinger or bargoer by any means. I'm just not into that), and 2. even if I had an opportunity I just don't have the time. I have maybe 6 hours a week where I'm not doing anything. it's crazy.
just gotta enjoy life as it is. plus it gives me time to learn to not care so it's easier to approach ladies in the future
I'm sorry to hear about your situation, I don't have any real advice to give you because I suck at the whole relationship thing. You'll sort it out in due time and look on the bright side. You're a fighter jet pilot! Chicks dig fighter jet pilots!
-caseyjones
I think what attracts chicks to assholes and drives them away from "nice guys" is that they know assholes aren't hanging all their hopes for happiness on them. It's a hefty burden to carry someones happiness all the time. And I bet anyone would feel trapped if they had to do it for very long, much more so when you're starring down the barrel of till death do us part.
I couldn't agree more.
And crazy enough, I've been happily married for 10 years. I honestly think that is the only way to build a marriage that lasts. Those few years on my own where awesome. Being married is a different kind of awesome. Not better, just a different flavor, one you really have to like if you plan on making it your drink of choice.
Don't rush out of the single life, its not like your life is worth less because you're not part of a couple. Don't get trapped into thinking theres only one flavor of awesome. Drink up, you've got a great chance to really enjoy some amazing stuff don't waste your opertunity.
No need to rush out and grab yourself more of the same, because its only going to happen again if you keep taking the same steps. If you really want to settle down and get married you need to take a break, dig into something else maybe date a little bit after a few weeks. But do it without any intention of making her into the next "the one" but just go out and have a good time.
Also know that you might be young and ready to settle down, but most chicks your age, aren't. Chances are if you find one that is, it won't last. you'll probably just need to ride it out and wait for your best friend in female form to show up. When you do get to that point I think you should be looking for someone you can ride out the bad times with, not someone who will make your misery if they ever leave.
Good luck buddy, we're all pulling for ya
Yeah, let me clear this up here for you... You're a fucking fighter pilot! You're Maverick, you've got the coolest job on the planet! You risk your life every time you do your job - you're a supremely confident, badass motherfucker! I am absolutely, positively 100% sure that women will be attracted to you. You could be a complete jerkoff and look like a gorilla, and chicks will still want to be around you.
The thing is, you seriously need to believe that. I think this gets more apparent the older you get, but there is no substitute for confidence. If you think and act like a guy who will be lucky to get a girl to notice him, girls can tell, and most women aren't looking for a charity case. If you think and act like a guy who can pick and choose any girl to be with, girls can tell that, too, and then they're the ones trying to get you to pick them.
I know that saying this is easier than doing it but man... most of us here are chubby nerds who play video games all day, not a lot of social advantage there. You're goddamn Top Gun!! That's all the validation you should ever need. Don't worry about landing a wife, just... get out and see what's out there. Don't ever go looking for a girl who's willing to have you, look for the girl you want to have. Change the way you think about it: you want to hunt your prey, not make yourself appealing for a predator. The minute you start being more selective, sticking to your guns and doing things your way, things will change.
and then you will find the right person.
you are still fairly young and I am sure you will meet someone who is right for you.
don't let it get you down anyway, because in six months your life will have moved on.
Haha, and seriously, stop with the fighter pilot thing. Top Gun is a very misleading movie, I think you will find that many of us pilots are also "chubby nerds that play computer games all day", and fly jets occassionally. But seriously, if you go out and try and pick up chicks with the whole 'fighter pilot' thing, you are just asking for trouble. To begin with, you just look like an absoloute douche, and I think that so many guys who arent jet pilots claim they are, most ladies are cautious if you say you are. Plus, its not as glorious as it seems, and I only play shirtless volleyball like, once a week.
Anyway, thanks again guys, your kind words are really helping me!
we have like, two or three of them on the boards. right guys?
...guys?
....girls?
I never said it was superior, I specifically said depending on your personality I think some people are happier being with someone than being single, and it sounded like Smirnoffka may have that personality. I also said it's very dependent on the relationship; I never said anyone should rush out and get married because it's a "superior life".
I was just giving my personal experience because that's all anyone can give, including you. It's really rude to be so obviously condescending of my marriage.
I'd like to reiterate I think nice guys can be winnars, just maybe not on the internets :P
EDIT: BounchFX: My wife has been sitting next to me the whole time, so these are our thoughts mixed, so there's some woman in here
My bad, my second paragraph wasn't aimed at you, just commenting on a related note. But I don't think telling telling him he could be happier when married is reallllly the type of advice to give a guy who just had his fiance leave him... amirite?
As for nice guys versus confident guys, confident guys get more dates easily, because in general, it's harder to be confident than to be nice. Being nice is opening a door for someone, being confident is asking a woman on a date.
Also, I don't look at it as nice versus confident; you can be nice and confident at the same time. You can ask them on the date and open the door for them when you get them
being arrogant and cocky is completely different from being confident, and although the first can get you girls, it's usually not the ones you want to bring home, from what I can tell. gotta work more on actual confidence and self esteem. fun stuff!
As far as dating goes women also love a guy with ....money. Big surprise. This certainly does not mean you need to spend it on them. It just means that you have it. You wear nice clothes and you have nice shit. Spending it on them can and probably will have the opposite effect than you would imagine.
I'm sure there's plenty more that can be said. But I'm moving in with my girl now so wish me luck too
el oh ell
Yes, the female perspective (as represented by me tonight) is that confidence is very key. We can smell a lack of confidence from a mile away. It smells bad.
I think the confidence thing is all about our natural insinct. We want to find the best guy who we can 'mate' with, as it were. A confident guy that gives off the image of being someone who can give the best children and provide for them the best.
But I digress. I don't suggest to stop being a nice guy, because as a girl, I don't like guys who are jerks to me. But at the same time, some guys who say they are the 'nice guy' (and I am NOT saying this is the case with you) are really just doormats. Being nice should be opening doors, listening to her, and making her laugh, and not always being too sweet and needy.
Hope that helps a little, and good luck with whatever may come in the future!
QFT
Absolutely agree with all you said, Vig.
Hahaha, yea that bitch aint leavin' if you hold a broken beer bottle up to her neck!
I lol'ed... then I felt a little scared of you :P
rofl, oh god.
Just a thought.
Amen to that, Sad but horribly and dissapointingly true to the core. Women need to figure their shit out so I can finally relax, and not have to be 'on it' all the time.
-R
I wasn't going to come in here and post because I thought it might hit "too close to home" for me . A couple polycounters who're close to me might remember what Im talking about, but this is great.
Polycount FTfuckingW.
I bleed green.
I dont think you should really treat them like shit per se,i think you just shouldnt compromise your personality,interests of beliefs to try to make them happy. Dont be afraid to say no if she wants you to change something about yourself you do not want to change or make you do something you do not want to do.
Also keep it interesting on your part as well,dont get into boring routines,dont always dine in the same place. Try to do things to surprise her from time to time.
[ame]
my social life is a bitch, and i got a 999 reasons why that may be,
but im not going to change just so people would like me,
just be yourself and if people dont like it.. fuck it, its there loss.
its better to end up with a hand full of true friends then a hundred wanna b's
what im trying to say is, dont go fake.
its not what you did wrong, its more what she's looking for.
she may not think you'r the perfect shi-, but some other girl might think you' r exactly what she's looking for.
keep doing what feels good, be tom cruise, relax, and if you need to change things a bit, do it within reason.
gawd i suck at this
[ame]
...hehe maybe thats the problem