man out walking his dog along the cliffs come across a little girl crying her eyes out. "Whats up?" he asks ... oh hang, on NON-offensive/rude jokes only? Bollocks
Lady walk into a bar with a duck under her arm. Bartender says: " you can't bring that pig in here." Lady looks at the bartender and says: "This isn't a pig, it's a duck."
What did the watermelon say when her boyfriend asked her to get Married?
"Sure, but we cantaloupe" hahah get it?
Like "Can't elope" but "really it's the fruit cantaloupe which also happens to be a mellon as well.
You see it's sort of like a Homonym, but not really because for it to be a true Homonym it has to be the same word, where in this case it was one word cantaloupe, which happens to sound like two words, as in "Can't elope".
And within the context of two mellons conversing about such a serious subject as matrimony, compounded by the above play on words, It turns out to be quite humorsome.
What did the watermelon say when her boyfriend asked her to get Married?
"Sure, but we cantaloupe" hahah get it?
Like "Can't elope" but "really it's the fruit cantaloupe which also happens to be a mellon as well.
You see it's sort of like a Homonym, but not really because for it to be a true Homonym it has to be the same word, where in this case it was one word cantaloupe, which happens to sound like two words, as in "Can't elope".
And within the context of two mellons conversing about such a serious subject as matrimony, compounded by the above play on words, It turns out to be quite humorsome.
LOLOLOL
Awesome!!!!
this would be a nice sketch. someone explainin the jokes! ahaha
you know what you got? A+!
Three explorers walk into the jungle and get confronted by a tribe of men. The tribes chieftain approaches the lead explorer and asks "Death or RuRu?"
The explorer replies "RuRu" thinking that there couldn't be anything worse than death...
All of a sudden 5 tribesmen jump down from the canopy of trees and throw the man on a stone slab and have anal sex with him.
Shortly after he staggers off, weak, weary and hurting but still alive...
The chieftain approaches the second explorer and asks "Death or RuRu?"
Looking startled but wanting to live the man replies "RuRu" and is thrown onto the slab but this time by ten men who pummel him repeatedly until he crawls away bleeding and barely conscious.
The last explorer stands but is shaken by the state of his fellow team members while the chieftain approaches and asks him what he is expecting. "Death or RuRu?"
Considering the barely alive status of his 2 friends the explorer replies "Death!"
The chieftain looks back at his tribe with a sick smile on his face and announces "Death.... by RuRu!"
This guy is feeling a little frisky one night and decides to take a trip down to the red light district. There, he searches out the cheapest prostitue he can find. He finds one whore selling herself for $5. He follows through with the transaction, giving the 5 dollars and recieving her services in return.
The next day, he wakes up to realize that he is very itchy. Alarmed, he rushes to the doctor, already thinking he knows what the problem is. The doctor confirms it: He has crabs. Incredibly angry about this turn of events, he rushes back down to the red light district to confront the prostitute that gave him crabs. He is able to find her again.
"I can't believe you gave me crabs!!!" He yells at her.
The prostitute laughs at him, "Honey, for five bucks, what were you expecting? Lobster?"
(I cleaned it up a little for this thread. Maybe you've heard a slightly dirtier version...)
So this guy walks into a talent agent's office, and he says, "Have I got an act for you!", and the agent says, "Well what kind of act is it?", and the guy says, "It's a family act. You see, it's myself, my wife, my son, my daughter, our 2 dogs, and--", and the agent says, "Sorry, pal. I don't book family acts", but the guy persists: "But wait! This act is really quite special. You see it starts out with my wife, who walks out on stage completely
--", and the agent interrupts him. "Hey. Buddy. I said I don't book family acts. I don't want to hear it. Now stop wasting my time". The two men looked at each other silently for a brief moment before the agent shakes his head and turns his attention to some paperwork as the other man walks out of the office, a little bit offended that the agent had not taken the time to listen to the description of his act before dismissing him, but he wouldn't let it bring him down. He went down the street into an ice cream parlor and said to the clerk, "I'd like your most delicious item from the menu". Upon tasting the item that he was served he said,
"Hmm.. Not bad. What do you call it?", and he replied,
A string walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here". So the string goes outside and says to the first person to walk by, he says, "Hey, man. I challenge you to a duel!", and the passerby is all, "What? You wanna fight? You're a string!", and the string is like, "Dude, I know. Let's fight.", and the passerby's like "Yeah, okay". So they engage in a violent physical challenge with one another. The passerby wins easily, tying the string into a knot and really roughing him up. After the scuffle, the string gets up, thanks the passerby for his participation and goes back into the bar. The bartender recognizes him and says, "Hey, aren't you the string I just told to get out of here?", and the string says,
"No. I'm a frayed knot."
That's like my favorite joke with the possible exception of this one:
Ask me if I'm a truck.
(Are you a truck?)
filler black text so that this isn't totally obvious before you mouse over it... No......
(I cleaned it up a little for this thread. Maybe you've heard a slightly dirtier version...)
So this guy walks into a talent agent's office, and he says, "Have I got an act for you!", and the agent says, "Well what kind of act is it?", and the guy says, "It's a family act. You see, it's myself, my wife, my son, my daughter, our 2 dogs, and--", and the agent says, "Sorry, pal. I don't book family acts", but the guy persists: "But wait! This act is really quite special. You see it starts out with my wife, who walks out on stage completely
--", and the agent interrupts him. "Hey. Buddy. I said I don't book family acts. I don't want to hear it. Now stop wasting my time". The two men looked at each other silently for a brief moment before the agent shakes his head and turns his attention to some paperwork as the other man walks out of the office, a little bit offended that the agent had not taken the time to listen to the description of his act before dismissing him, but he wouldn't let it bring him down. He went down the street into an ice cream parlor and said to the clerk, "I'd like your most delicious item from the menu". Upon tasting the item that he was served he said,
"Hmm.. Not bad. What do you call it?", and he replied,
Somewhere in the pacific northwest a bear walks into a rural bar and orders a beer.
The bartender looks at the bear and says, "Sorry, we don't serve bears beer in this bar."
The bear is annoyed and says, "You better serve me a beer or I'm gonna get angry."
The bartender is firm about the bar's policy, even while the bear growls and swipes at him.
The bear then looks around the bar and sees a slightly hammered, slightly haggard, but still the most attractive woman in the place. He says to the bartender, "If you don't get me a beer right now I'm going to go over to that woman, tear her up, and eat her!" To which the bartender replies, "Sorry, we still don't serve bears beer in this bar."
So the bear stomps down the bar to the drunken bar-fly, and proceeds to eat her, bit by bit. The bear returns to the bar and says, "Now give me a beer or I'll do that again!"
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve people, or bears, who are on drugs in this bar."
The bear looks astonished. "What? What drugs? I'm not on drugs!" the bear says.
To which the bartender replies.
"Sure you are. That was the bar bitch you ate." (barbituate.. classification of substances commonly called downers.)
A Pirate walks into a bar. He has a steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants.
He waddles uncomfortably up to the bar and orders a beer. Everyone in the bar watches him, confused. The bartender serves him his beer, and says, "Excuse me, I can't help but ask. I notice you have a steering wheel stuck there in front of you. Isn't that kind of uncomfortable?"
A skeleton walks in a bar and the bartender asks, what will you have..
the skeleton says:
a beer and a mop.
a blind man walks in a bar with his dog and asks for a drink.
after he has done drinking he picks up his dog by the leash and starts spining him in the air over his head.
the bartender says. WTF are you doing? are you crazy?
the blind man says.
So an asian man takes a trip to America one summer, and enjoys the trip so much he decides to make it a yearly vacation. But the next year comes and when he goes to the American bank to exchange his cash for american dollars he is frustrated to find he gets less money back than the year before.
"Hey!" he exclaims to the bank teller, "last year I get more money, what the deal here?!"
"Fluctuations in the exchange rate" she explains.
"What did you say?!" He asks, surprised.
"Fluctuations in the exchange rate" She repeats.
He's angry as hell and yells at the teller; "HEY! FUCK YOU AMERICANS TOO!"
(he heard "fluctuations" as "fuck you asians", har har)
So this guy is walking along the beach, and stumbles over a bottle, upon inspecting the ornate bottle he realizes it must be a genie's bottle, so he rubs it, and out pops the genie. "I only want one wish" says the man, "I want to be the luckiest man on the planet." The genie grants him this wish and then dissappears back into the bottle. Just then the wind picks up, and out of nowhere a $1 bill floats right into his face!
So the man takes the dollar to a conveniece store and buys a lotto ticket. He wins the biggest lottery ever, one BILLION dollars, he's all over the news and has no idea what to do with all this money.
He decides to go to Vegas. He hits the casinos, and every game he plays, he wins tons of money, people are cheering watching him win every time.
Finally he takes a breather at the bar. Up walks this East Indian chick, drop dead gorgeous, and she says to him "lets make love". The man jumps at the chance, they grab a room and spend the next 3 hours screwing each other's brains out. Finally she falls asleep exhausted. He stares at her, still having trouble coming to grips with how lucky he has become, his stare goes up her body, her hips, her breasts, and settles on her face. He stares at the dot on her forehead and gets an idea. He takes a coin and scratches the dot off her foreheard. Underneath the dot, in small writing it says "CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'VE WON A TRUCK!"
A little yellow skittle is on his way to the pub, as he gets around the corner he spots two big mean looking polo mints outside. One of the polo's glares at the little yellow skittle before he walks in for a drink.
The little yellow skittle, still looking shaken at the thought of the threatening look that he was given drinks his half pint quickly and the bartender asks him, "Are you okay kid?"
The yellow skittle replies "No, these two polo thugs outside look very menacing and one of them glared at me in such a way I felt scared" The bartender laughs then pauses and looks back seriously at the little yellow skittle and asks "Did this polo have black and white stripes?" The little yellow skittle replied "Yep, that's him!" The bartender announces "Ahh, yeh, you did right to get in here as quickly as possible" The little yellow skittle looks kind of surprised and asks the bartender "Why is that?" The bartender leans forward and whispers "Because he's Menthol!"
this is one of the funniest/ wrongest jokes I have ever heard
I hope it isnt too offensive
man is rung by the hospital to inform him that his wife has been in a terrible accident, after putting down his phone he rushes to the hospital, a doctor meets him and tells him to sit down. He begins to swell up almost crying.
Man: "where is she? I need to see her! O god she isnt?!" at this he bursts into tears. The doctor comforts him saying
" dont worry she isnt dead but, she will need intestive care for the rest of her life. I have had a look at your insurance and it dosen look like you will be able to aford all her equipment, so you will more than likely have to sell your home and live in a caravan."
With this the man was devestated and stared blankly into the wall
he looks up and asks
"will she ever wake up?"
the doctor slowly shakes his head and tells the man she will need around the clock care for the rest of her life. The mans face turns white with shock and greif.
He looks up to see the doctor holding back a laugh and smirking uncontrollably
"what is it?" the man asks
the doctor looked down at the man still smilign and laughing and said
"mate Im fucking with ya, shes dead"
Replies
still. Best joke ever.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a ditch?
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?
What do you call his arms and legs?
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?
What do you call a dog with no legs in a swimming pool?
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a leaf pile?
What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs hanging on either side of a window?
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a forest fire?
What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
What do you call an Asian woman with one leg shorter than the other?
thats either the funniest shit ever or the badest. eitherway i dont know if i should call you genius or kill you
What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs?
The first muffin turns to the second and says, "Wow! It's REALLY hot in here!"
The second turns back to the first and says, "WHOA! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
Bartender says: "I was talking to the duck."
"Sure, but we cantaloupe" hahah get it?
Like "Can't elope" but "really it's the fruit cantaloupe which also happens to be a mellon as well.
You see it's sort of like a Homonym, but not really because for it to be a true Homonym it has to be the same word, where in this case it was one word cantaloupe, which happens to sound like two words, as in "Can't elope".
And within the context of two mellons conversing about such a serious subject as matrimony, compounded by the above play on words, It turns out to be quite humorsome.
"Keep the tip".
You see the tip of his penis fell off during intercourse, due to his Leprosy.
lolol
LOLOLOL
Awesome!!!!
this would be a nice sketch. someone explainin the jokes! ahaha
you know what you got? A+!
Three explorers walk into the jungle and get confronted by a tribe of men. The tribes chieftain approaches the lead explorer and asks "Death or RuRu?"
The explorer replies "RuRu" thinking that there couldn't be anything worse than death...
All of a sudden 5 tribesmen jump down from the canopy of trees and throw the man on a stone slab and have anal sex with him.
Shortly after he staggers off, weak, weary and hurting but still alive...
The chieftain approaches the second explorer and asks "Death or RuRu?"
Looking startled but wanting to live the man replies "RuRu" and is thrown onto the slab but this time by ten men who pummel him repeatedly until he crawls away bleeding and barely conscious.
The last explorer stands but is shaken by the state of his fellow team members while the chieftain approaches and asks him what he is expecting. "Death or RuRu?"
Considering the barely alive status of his 2 friends the explorer replies "Death!"
The chieftain looks back at his tribe with a sick smile on his face and announces "Death.... by RuRu!"
The next day, he wakes up to realize that he is very itchy. Alarmed, he rushes to the doctor, already thinking he knows what the problem is. The doctor confirms it: He has crabs. Incredibly angry about this turn of events, he rushes back down to the red light district to confront the prostitute that gave him crabs. He is able to find her again.
"I can't believe you gave me crabs!!!" He yells at her.
The prostitute laughs at him, "Honey, for five bucks, what were you expecting? Lobster?"
Why do elephants have flat feet?
The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Steve?"
what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs and no penis?
lol :P.
So this guy walks into a talent agent's office, and he says, "Have I got an act for you!", and the agent says, "Well what kind of act is it?", and the guy says, "It's a family act. You see, it's myself, my wife, my son, my daughter, our 2 dogs, and--", and the agent says, "Sorry, pal. I don't book family acts", but the guy persists: "But wait! This act is really quite special. You see it starts out with my wife, who walks out on stage completely
That's like my favorite joke with the possible exception of this one:
Ask me if I'm a truck.
(Are you a truck?)
Sensors detect win in this sector.
The bartender looks at the bear and says, "Sorry, we don't serve bears beer in this bar."
The bear is annoyed and says, "You better serve me a beer or I'm gonna get angry."
The bartender is firm about the bar's policy, even while the bear growls and swipes at him.
The bear then looks around the bar and sees a slightly hammered, slightly haggard, but still the most attractive woman in the place. He says to the bartender, "If you don't get me a beer right now I'm going to go over to that woman, tear her up, and eat her!" To which the bartender replies, "Sorry, we still don't serve bears beer in this bar."
So the bear stomps down the bar to the drunken bar-fly, and proceeds to eat her, bit by bit. The bear returns to the bar and says, "Now give me a beer or I'll do that again!"
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve people, or bears, who are on drugs in this bar."
The bear looks astonished. "What? What drugs? I'm not on drugs!" the bear says.
To which the bartender replies.
there arent enough registered accounts :P
He waddles uncomfortably up to the bar and orders a beer. Everyone in the bar watches him, confused. The bartender serves him his beer, and says, "Excuse me, I can't help but ask. I notice you have a steering wheel stuck there in front of you. Isn't that kind of uncomfortable?"
The pirate says:
How many Surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many Boring people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A man walks into a bar, and says, "OW!"
A kebabby
Keep it holy now. . .
I'll bite.
How do you fit a hundred babies into a bathtub?
How do you get them out?
the skeleton says:
a blind man walks in a bar with his dog and asks for a drink.
after he has done drinking he picks up his dog by the leash and starts spining him in the air over his head.
the bartender says. WTF are you doing? are you crazy?
the blind man says.
"Hey!" he exclaims to the bank teller, "last year I get more money, what the deal here?!"
"Fluctuations in the exchange rate" she explains.
"What did you say?!" He asks, surprised.
"Fluctuations in the exchange rate" She repeats.
He's angry as hell and yells at the teller; "HEY! FUCK YOU AMERICANS TOO!"
(he heard "fluctuations" as "fuck you asians", har har)
So this guy is walking along the beach, and stumbles over a bottle, upon inspecting the ornate bottle he realizes it must be a genie's bottle, so he rubs it, and out pops the genie. "I only want one wish" says the man, "I want to be the luckiest man on the planet." The genie grants him this wish and then dissappears back into the bottle. Just then the wind picks up, and out of nowhere a $1 bill floats right into his face!
So the man takes the dollar to a conveniece store and buys a lotto ticket. He wins the biggest lottery ever, one BILLION dollars, he's all over the news and has no idea what to do with all this money.
He decides to go to Vegas. He hits the casinos, and every game he plays, he wins tons of money, people are cheering watching him win every time.
Finally he takes a breather at the bar. Up walks this East Indian chick, drop dead gorgeous, and she says to him "lets make love". The man jumps at the chance, they grab a room and spend the next 3 hours screwing each other's brains out. Finally she falls asleep exhausted. He stares at her, still having trouble coming to grips with how lucky he has become, his stare goes up her body, her hips, her breasts, and settles on her face. He stares at the dot on her forehead and gets an idea. He takes a coin and scratches the dot off her foreheard. Underneath the dot, in small writing it says "CONGRATULATIONS! YOU'VE WON A TRUCK!"
The little yellow skittle, still looking shaken at the thought of the threatening look that he was given drinks his half pint quickly and the bartender asks him, "Are you okay kid?"
The yellow skittle replies "No, these two polo thugs outside look very menacing and one of them glared at me in such a way I felt scared" The bartender laughs then pauses and looks back seriously at the little yellow skittle and asks "Did this polo have black and white stripes?" The little yellow skittle replied "Yep, that's him!" The bartender announces "Ahh, yeh, you did right to get in here as quickly as possible" The little yellow skittle looks kind of surprised and asks the bartender "Why is that?" The bartender leans forward and whispers "Because he's Menthol!"
The fact that there are 20 of them.
what?
I hope it isnt too offensive
man is rung by the hospital to inform him that his wife has been in a terrible accident, after putting down his phone he rushes to the hospital, a doctor meets him and tells him to sit down. He begins to swell up almost crying.
Man: "where is she? I need to see her! O god she isnt?!" at this he bursts into tears. The doctor comforts him saying
" dont worry she isnt dead but, she will need intestive care for the rest of her life. I have had a look at your insurance and it dosen look like you will be able to aford all her equipment, so you will more than likely have to sell your home and live in a caravan."
With this the man was devestated and stared blankly into the wall
he looks up and asks
"will she ever wake up?"
the doctor slowly shakes his head and tells the man she will need around the clock care for the rest of her life. The mans face turns white with shock and greif.
He looks up to see the doctor holding back a laugh and smirking uncontrollably
"what is it?" the man asks
the doctor looked down at the man still smilign and laughing and said
"mate Im fucking with ya, shes dead"
yea me neither, I'm sure the attempt at an explanation will be funnier than the joke itself!