I'm a a studying concept artist but I tried my hand at writing. Would you say I had potential if I chose a writting path? Keeping in mind this is not a planned out peice and was written as I went.
the writing is good. usually things r written in past form (as in, "the table rattled as a fist came crashing down"), ur tense felt like reading a play.
the beginning was dramatic enuf, but cooled down fast. the MOST IMPORTANT part of writing is catching the reader, and i didnt care after the 2-nd paragraph. "settles down" is not something u want to include at the beginning. questions, action, drama, exciting adjectives and so on.
the length of ur sentences creates a tempo. play with it. u'r very redundantly paced.
overall ur descriptive content is quality but lacks a personal perspective, its very objective and emotionless:
"the peering crowd turned +in awe+ (makes viewer feel awe/fear) towards the drunken dwarf"..."gromdar smirked +distastefully+ (add more emotion) as anger filled his very soul"
the writing is good. usually things r written in past form (as in, "the table rattled as a fist came crashing down"), ur tense felt like reading a play.
the beginning was dramatic enuf, but cooled down fast. the MOST IMPORTANT part of writing is catching the reader, and i didnt care after the 2-nd paragraph. "settles down" is not something u want to include at the beginning. questions, action, drama, exciting adjectives and so on.
the length of ur sentences creates a tempo. play with it. u'r very redundantly paced.
overall ur descriptive content is quality but lacks a personal perspective, its very objective and emotionless:
"the peering crowd turned +in awe+ (makes viewer feel awe/fear) towards the drunken dwarf"..."gromdar smirked +distastefully+ (add more emotion) as anger filled his very soul"
It's me covering my ass; For all I know, you primarily speak Mongolian and think an adverb is a form of egg dish.
My main peeve is that it needs to be grounded better, honestly. Things happen, but they are not supported by enough descriptive elements for the reader to fall into a rhythm. Sudden changes or surprise actions are great things to throw in to break up a monotonous stretch, but not when you're working on a set-piece
In the same vein, you don't want to introduce a character by using dialog which requires familiarity with the backstory. That immediately throws off the reader by making them try to decipher the jargon and references rather than get to know the leading characters. Think of how confusing the first chapter of The Black Company was, and Glenn Cook is bloody brilliant when it comes to dialog.
All in all, you might be on to something good; you just need to change the presentation.
Quick Note: I'm used to verbally assaulting college students, so I apologize if I come off as an arrogant English professor.
The phrasing is a bit strange in spots. It could be that you are having trouble with the spell checker or thesaurus flipping words on you.
Some examples from the first paragraph:
"if you do not have what is mine by sun rise tomorrow, you will regret alot more than you've already bargained" - I guess that should read more like 'more than you expect'? Your phrasing is technically correct, but has some very strange flow to it.
"The table settles as the dwarf lowers his head to regain stature." - Why would he lower his head to regain stature? This might be an interesting cultural trait of the dwarves, but normally lowering ones head is a submissive gesture.
Read your work out loud to yourself as you are writing. Take breaks and read it out loud to someone else, then have them take the paper and read it back to you. Come back to pieces you wrote days before and read them again. Spellchecking/grammarchecking are fine for emails and school papers, but if you want to stand out as a writer the proofreading process goes much deeper.
Next thing I notice is that you are identifying the active character in every sentence. Normally it is OK to only state who is being discussed once per paragraph, unless that character changed. The way it is written now gives the impression that the focus is constantly switching and, combined with nonstandard character names, makes it difficult to follow the story.
Last thing that jumps out at me: editing! Its kind of a later step in the process and I suspect you havent gotten that far, but once you have this a little more polished...take a day off from the project so you can see it from a better perspective, then come back and hack it apart. All of the extra bits of dialog and description that dont advance the plot or characters need to go.
Edit: If you are really serious about this you need to be ready to take some pretty nasty and sometimes uncalled for crits of your work. Its a brutal field and if you need to be talked into it, or you could be talked out of it, youll have almost no chance of succeeding.
sunrise is one word, and a lot is two.
you need to pay attention to spelling and grammar
whelps is spelled like that..<
fist's doesn't make any sense. fist is?
everyone is two words, as you mean it
have fallen on deaf ears, not fell (I think)
'and who forsaken us to this place' doesn't make sense
stopping, not stoping
it might sound like nitpicking but if you're serious about writing, poor spelling and grammar will make your work sound amaturish
That's the thing, guys. He's not that serious I don't think. I think he's actually a Concept Artist. He barley planned it out
And I think"and who forsaken us to this place" is a typo.
it might sound like nitpicking but if you're serious about writing, poor spelling and grammar will make your work sound amaturish
Seconded. Not only does it create a bad impression, it's also terribly distracting.
As for the piece itself, I'd recommend against writing in the present tense, unless you have a specific reason for doing so. Present tense can be an excellent way of engaging the reader (especially when using sensory inputs like taste and smell, see essay link below for more on this) and for adding a sense of tension and immediacy, but I don't really see the point in a piece like this.
Also, writing fantasy can often be a bad idea when first starting out, purely because it's one of the most hackneyed and tired genres. It can be very difficult to create interest using such well-established conventions, no matter how well-crafted the piece may be.
Taylor started a similar thread a while back, and as I recall there was some decent feedback you could probably learn from in there. As I suggested to Taylor, I'd read through these essays on writing to give you some ideas on how to approach writing, and finding your voice. Even if you're not a fan of his work or writing style, there's some golden information in there.
Also I would look up "show don't tell" it's a mantra that you will hear a lot in writing circles..I had a really good article on it...but I cant seem to find the link..Just like good art, good writing takes practice. Learn the rules..once you know the rules....you can know when to break them
That's the thing, guys. He's not that serious I don't think. I think he's actually a Concept Artist. He barley planned it out
Too late; we need his spleen now.
Writing can either be a demanding discipline or a pleasant pastime, depending on what you plan to do with it. It has both technical elements - grammar, spelling, formatting - and creative ones - rhythm, descriptive style, perspective - all independent of the plot or material being worked with. As I interpreted it, the OP was looking for an opinion on some of those creative elements in one of his beginning works; getting a feel for his style, in many ways.
From my side of the monitor, the best advice would be to explore some literature with the creative elements in mind, so the OP can get a feel for other authors; both good and bad. My own original writing suffered from some of the same flaws as the piece posted here, actually.
The easiest thing you can do to crit your work is to simply read it back to yourself out loud, or even better, have someone else read it to you. Any cheesy dialogue, poorly structured sentences or overly confusing passages will become immediately apparent. As you read it, pretend you are watching a movie of your story. Does it sound like a David Fincher movie, or Uwe Boll?
might be worth posting this on a writing forum like http://absolutewrite.com or using a crit-for-crit site like Zoetrope to help you get more focused feedback.
Would you say I had potential if I chose a writting path?
In a word, no.
To use more words, there's little in what you've written that suggests any innate potential to be a good writer and much that suggests you have a lot of learning ahead of you before you're an adequate writer.
I won't get into specifics of grammar and spelling, except to note that if you're not very good at both, you might as well not bother. It's the equivalent of someone who can't draw a straight line asking if he might be a good artist. You even misspelled "writting," which boggles the mind.
Beyond that, as far as fiction goes, this is an uncomfortable read. You're trying to write in present tense, which virtually no one does, and for good reason - it's hard to do well. Stick with past tense until you've mastered the structure of good fiction writing.
Your dialogue is terribly unnatural. The characters' words don't sound anything like how people speak. Look at the second sentence you wrote:
"The amount of Dreino's you owe me is rising,..."
Let's pretend that you're the speaker and that we're dealing with US dollars. You're speaking directly to someone who owes you money, and the interest is piling up - you want to get paid and you're starting to get pissed off. Now look at an object next to your computer, a lamp or something, and pretend it's really the guy who owes you cash. Literally say this sentence out loud:
"The amount of dollars you owe me is rising!"
How did it sound when you said it out loud? Did it seem like something you would ever say? Does an "amount of dollars" sound like what you would really ask for? "Give me the amount of dollars you owe me" or "Where is the amount of dollars I need to take to the bank?"
Hopefully you can hear how that's not good dialogue. A good approach is to read your dialogue aloud; if it sounds silly or weird, it's almost certainly bad writing. There are exceptions, for dialect or comic/dramatic effect, but that's way down the path. Stick with what sounds normal until you've mastered it.
Finally, ease up on the descriptive prose. The desire to paint a vivid image in the reader's mind is part and parcel to storytelling, but shitloads of adverbs are one of the neon signs of novice writing. The best writing is invisible, in that the reader forgets he's reading words and lets his imagination carry the story along with minimal hand holding from the author.
I'm not going to address anything about the characters or plot elements. Until you have a firm grasp on the technique of writing, the content doesn't matter.
Yep, harsh crit. No one learns from soft-serve, kiss-ass pats on the back. If you think you've got talent and want to prove me wrong, keep writing.
ok, to put a bit of positive spin back into the thread, since we're all being a bit hard- you only get good at something if you do it lots. Don't worry if your first painting isnt the mona lisa, you know?
I think you should keep at it if its what you want to do, but you really need to bring your A game. That doesn't just mean trying really really hard, I think you've got a lot of reading to do if you want to understand great writing
Replies
EDIT: Or I thought I did...
Did you take long on this? Imagine if you planned it out.
Is that a joke?
the beginning was dramatic enuf, but cooled down fast. the MOST IMPORTANT part of writing is catching the reader, and i didnt care after the 2-nd paragraph. "settles down" is not something u want to include at the beginning. questions, action, drama, exciting adjectives and so on.
the length of ur sentences creates a tempo. play with it. u'r very redundantly paced.
overall ur descriptive content is quality but lacks a personal perspective, its very objective and emotionless:
"the peering crowd turned +in awe+ (makes viewer feel awe/fear) towards the drunken dwarf"..."gromdar smirked +distastefully+ (add more emotion) as anger filled his very soul"
Thanks for the crit, will keep it in mind.
It's me covering my ass; For all I know, you primarily speak Mongolian and think an adverb is a form of egg dish.
My main peeve is that it needs to be grounded better, honestly. Things happen, but they are not supported by enough descriptive elements for the reader to fall into a rhythm. Sudden changes or surprise actions are great things to throw in to break up a monotonous stretch, but not when you're working on a set-piece
In the same vein, you don't want to introduce a character by using dialog which requires familiarity with the backstory. That immediately throws off the reader by making them try to decipher the jargon and references rather than get to know the leading characters. Think of how confusing the first chapter of The Black Company was, and Glenn Cook is bloody brilliant when it comes to dialog.
All in all, you might be on to something good; you just need to change the presentation.
Quick Note: I'm used to verbally assaulting college students, so I apologize if I come off as an arrogant English professor.
Some examples from the first paragraph:
"if you do not have what is mine by sun rise tomorrow, you will regret alot more than you've already bargained" - I guess that should read more like 'more than you expect'? Your phrasing is technically correct, but has some very strange flow to it.
"The table settles as the dwarf lowers his head to regain stature." - Why would he lower his head to regain stature? This might be an interesting cultural trait of the dwarves, but normally lowering ones head is a submissive gesture.
Read your work out loud to yourself as you are writing. Take breaks and read it out loud to someone else, then have them take the paper and read it back to you. Come back to pieces you wrote days before and read them again. Spellchecking/grammarchecking are fine for emails and school papers, but if you want to stand out as a writer the proofreading process goes much deeper.
Next thing I notice is that you are identifying the active character in every sentence. Normally it is OK to only state who is being discussed once per paragraph, unless that character changed. The way it is written now gives the impression that the focus is constantly switching and, combined with nonstandard character names, makes it difficult to follow the story.
Last thing that jumps out at me: editing! Its kind of a later step in the process and I suspect you havent gotten that far, but once you have this a little more polished...take a day off from the project so you can see it from a better perspective, then come back and hack it apart. All of the extra bits of dialog and description that dont advance the plot or characters need to go.
Edit: If you are really serious about this you need to be ready to take some pretty nasty and sometimes uncalled for crits of your work. Its a brutal field and if you need to be talked into it, or you could be talked out of it, youll have almost no chance of succeeding.
you need to pay attention to spelling and grammar
whelps is spelled like that..<
fist's doesn't make any sense. fist is?
everyone is two words, as you mean it
have fallen on deaf ears, not fell (I think)
'and who forsaken us to this place' doesn't make sense
stopping, not stoping
it might sound like nitpicking but if you're serious about writing, poor spelling and grammar will make your work sound amaturish
And I think"and who forsaken us to this place" is a typo.
Seconded. Not only does it create a bad impression, it's also terribly distracting.
As for the piece itself, I'd recommend against writing in the present tense, unless you have a specific reason for doing so. Present tense can be an excellent way of engaging the reader (especially when using sensory inputs like taste and smell, see essay link below for more on this) and for adding a sense of tension and immediacy, but I don't really see the point in a piece like this.
Also, writing fantasy can often be a bad idea when first starting out, purely because it's one of the most hackneyed and tired genres. It can be very difficult to create interest using such well-established conventions, no matter how well-crafted the piece may be.
Taylor started a similar thread a while back, and as I recall there was some decent feedback you could probably learn from in there. As I suggested to Taylor, I'd read through these essays on writing to give you some ideas on how to approach writing, and finding your voice. Even if you're not a fan of his work or writing style, there's some golden information in there.
http://chuckpalahniuk.net/workshop/chucks-essays
If you're serious about developing your writing skills, and I'd wholeheartedly recommend it as a creative endeavour, join a writer's workshop.
http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php
Also I would look up "show don't tell" it's a mantra that you will hear a lot in writing circles..I had a really good article on it...but I cant seem to find the link..Just like good art, good writing takes practice. Learn the rules..once you know the rules....you can know when to break them
some "show don't tell" examples: http://users.wirefire.com/tritt/tip1.html
Too late; we need his spleen now.
Writing can either be a demanding discipline or a pleasant pastime, depending on what you plan to do with it. It has both technical elements - grammar, spelling, formatting - and creative ones - rhythm, descriptive style, perspective - all independent of the plot or material being worked with. As I interpreted it, the OP was looking for an opinion on some of those creative elements in one of his beginning works; getting a feel for his style, in many ways.
From my side of the monitor, the best advice would be to explore some literature with the creative elements in mind, so the OP can get a feel for other authors; both good and bad. My own original writing suffered from some of the same flaws as the piece posted here, actually.
In a word, no.
To use more words, there's little in what you've written that suggests any innate potential to be a good writer and much that suggests you have a lot of learning ahead of you before you're an adequate writer.
I won't get into specifics of grammar and spelling, except to note that if you're not very good at both, you might as well not bother. It's the equivalent of someone who can't draw a straight line asking if he might be a good artist. You even misspelled "writting," which boggles the mind.
Beyond that, as far as fiction goes, this is an uncomfortable read. You're trying to write in present tense, which virtually no one does, and for good reason - it's hard to do well. Stick with past tense until you've mastered the structure of good fiction writing.
Your dialogue is terribly unnatural. The characters' words don't sound anything like how people speak. Look at the second sentence you wrote:
"The amount of Dreino's you owe me is rising,..."
Let's pretend that you're the speaker and that we're dealing with US dollars. You're speaking directly to someone who owes you money, and the interest is piling up - you want to get paid and you're starting to get pissed off. Now look at an object next to your computer, a lamp or something, and pretend it's really the guy who owes you cash. Literally say this sentence out loud:
"The amount of dollars you owe me is rising!"
How did it sound when you said it out loud? Did it seem like something you would ever say? Does an "amount of dollars" sound like what you would really ask for? "Give me the amount of dollars you owe me" or "Where is the amount of dollars I need to take to the bank?"
Hopefully you can hear how that's not good dialogue. A good approach is to read your dialogue aloud; if it sounds silly or weird, it's almost certainly bad writing. There are exceptions, for dialect or comic/dramatic effect, but that's way down the path. Stick with what sounds normal until you've mastered it.
Finally, ease up on the descriptive prose. The desire to paint a vivid image in the reader's mind is part and parcel to storytelling, but shitloads of adverbs are one of the neon signs of novice writing. The best writing is invisible, in that the reader forgets he's reading words and lets his imagination carry the story along with minimal hand holding from the author.
I'm not going to address anything about the characters or plot elements. Until you have a firm grasp on the technique of writing, the content doesn't matter.
Yep, harsh crit. No one learns from soft-serve, kiss-ass pats on the back. If you think you've got talent and want to prove me wrong, keep writing.
Things ON a table would rattle.
A table would merely shake.
Nope, sorry
I think you should keep at it if its what you want to do, but you really need to bring your A game. That doesn't just mean trying really really hard, I think you've got a lot of reading to do if you want to understand great writing
The guys studying as a concept artist
But anyways, this is brilliant thread for actual writers.
Amazing crits.
I can do the quote game too :P