It is kind of sad that people would use the "this is not your blog" rule, just so they can be a bigger asshole. If you dipshits were functionally literate you would have noticed that the rule applies to trivial posts, given here in the example:
"However, these random posts of "I ate cookies today" or "My car is blue" or whatever really need to come to an end. They provide no topic for discussion and are generally useless and become filled with lolcats and such anyway."
If you think having your girlfriend cheat on you, and your family broken up is trivial, then there is nothing I could say that would get your head out of your ass.
@Deja: You know I respect your art, and am glad you are around here to post it, but do you think you are the first person on Polycount who has had the kinds of problems you have? You got some solid advice from people who know what they are talking about-- too bad you still can't give up feeling sorry for yourself.
On topic: This is really shitty For some couples maybe cheating would not be as big a deal, but if my woman cheated on me or vice-versa it would be over. I don't have a child though, so I wouldn't put too much weight on my own advice here.
Dejawolf is right...no matter how many Dr. Phil wannabees are browsing this thread.
She did something wrong, and is painting you out to be the asshole. That's blame transferal 101.
Nut up or shut up. Go cheat on her with her best friend.
We aren't talking about two sixteen year olds here. There is a kid involved, and a fair bit of money. So maybe your experience doesn't apply.
'go make art' is not a bandage in all cases, especially here from the sounds of things. It sounds downright retarded when you suggest it as a fix for possibly losing his daughter.
I thought I had problems, but jeez, this guys blows them right out of the water. Lamont, if you got some nuggets of advice, post em out here in case any of us ever need em.
Sorry mate, your situation sounds awful. Doesn't seem to have a silver lining in it. Just keep going and don't stop fighting for your daughter, that's all I can say.
Check your local phone book for a Domestic Relations Agency (probably in the blue government section) that will help you deal with custody issues. They may also be able to steer you toward a free law clinic where you can get legal advice on how to proceed.
As for her I don't think she is worth your effort and I doubt she ever was. Unfortunately this is all behavior that will be modeled for your child. Try to be involved as much as possible in her upbringing so that she can become a normal human being.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop being miserable. Misery loves company. You should feel good about yourself for giving her your trust and support. It's not your fault that she broke the trust but you might take a look at your judgment with respect to selecting mates. Focus your thoughts on ways to affect the positive change that you want and stop wallowing in your own despair.
Oh come on, really? Did you take that whole post out of the Emo for Dummies book, or are you just trolling?
Doomivox, things do look pretty shitty right now. Good luck whatever happens, and don't let her enstrange your from your kid. I think, however -from what you've told us, anyway- that the sooner you break up with her, the sooner you'll start getting over her.
Sounds like something some teenager would say. Yes, you got it. Thats exactly the sort of stuff I say. Whats happened here is he has tried to act hard but ended up sounding like a butt hurt emo : )
EDIT- ROFL I just saw his wall of emo text... I feel sorry for the hyprocrit, I really do. Bit harsh? I guess I should " quit whining and make art."
AYE, SEE WHAT I DID THAR MATEE?
Well, this isn't the place to get advice. Call up some close friends.
This stuff usually happens because somebody isn't communicating. Perhaps it's her fault, perhaps it's yours, likely it's a combination. Let her talk to discover the root of the problem, not necessarily just to apologize etc. Consider a counselor, it's their job and they're good at it. There's a lot at stake with your daughter.
Talk to a lawyer about this as soon as possible and save yourself alot of heart ache, even if your staying with her, do it as precaution and you'll be thankful you did.
Are you sure the lil girl is your daughter, your flesh and blood ?
If I was cheated on, id make sure that all my kids are my own espeacialy my youngest child.
You can take the kid...then tie-up your girlfriend and put her in the trunk of your car then...
...oh, wait...Nevermind that...
2 months of cheating on you? Dude...that's a long time. Did you at least smack her when you found out? (...Jk?...)
Man...my advice is to find out how you can take custody of the kid and just leave the chick...she obviously doesn't "love you". I mean....she practically had another boyfriend for 2 months!...That is, if she was only with one dude...it could've been multiple dudes! ahhh!
Sorry, I'm just trying to lighten you up a bit...in a weird kinda way....? Anyways, go talk to a lawyer and tell him that you're capable of raising a child...seeing as you were the money maker and she can't support the kid....kinda gives you an upperhand.
polycount seems to be full of internet tough-guy fuckheads. Sad to hear this Doomivox
If it were me, I'd get away from her unless you want this drama for the rest of your life. You've probably already lost all respect in her eyes if she thinks she can fuck around on you. In all honesty, I'd beat the crap out of the guy, and tell her to fuck off. But thats probably not the smartest thing to do. However I do think you need to take charge of your life, man up, and get rid of her. And I wouldn't be polite about it.
Make sure you have friends and family around to take your mind off the bullshit of the situation also, play games, make art, do cool shit.
my great teacher polycount says otherwise. the more down people are, the more you kick them.
and if you're on the verge of suicide, give people tips on how to kill themselves.
You sure you aren't from 4chan?
Cheating is really shitty. This woman basically stole money from you. it's obvious she was bleeding you dry, and is now making you look like the bad guy because she A. Hates you B. Hates herself and can't deal with it. This happened to me, exactly, minus the money, and it's no fucking fun. Some self-loathing woman comes into your life and bleeds you dry, you give everything and it's never enough. Then you find out she's been going behind your back, and messing around with other people and still has the nerve to say you're the bad guy because you "Didn't meet her needs". If that's the case, she should have just left you instead of keeping up some bullshit farce "for the sake of both of you"
I guess the point is, you have to get over it, because it's fucked. Over with. Done. You probably deserve better. You need to make sure you see your daughter when you can, because she has no right to take her away from you if you've done nothing wrong (as far as we know) You need to get her out of your fucking life. Chances are she'll come around in the future looking for handouts.But uh, this has probably all been said already.(im also speaking from my experience with this type of thing, so it may not all be applicable to your situation)
Lol'd. Win. Sorry for the one one liners but it's not like I'm gonna hunt Honky's IM adress down and im him some one liner stuff like people do on them msn and aim thingy ma bobs.
polycount seems to be full of internet tough-guy fuckheads.
It perhaps has some people who realize that they know nothing of this guy, his girl, their background, or simply BOTH SIDES OF THIS STORY, to be freely and carelessly giving him sympathy. And both involved should be discussing this issue with people they know, instead of anonymous folks on a progressively premenstrual game art forum.
You gave her all your money (for some unknown reason), had a kid, and then she slept around. You forgave her (for some unknown reason). You should have told her she's a slut, and you can do better than her. And after the fact, she's blaming you for something. Your relationship is fucked. Don't look for sympathy. Shake things up.
And don't come to a forum looking for a hug when folks here realize they're only getting a small portion from one half of the story.
shit its kind of obvious that he just wanted a bit of sympathy and advice.
some of the comments here are just 'way' too harsh, bordering on deranged really.
hope you get stuff sorted out man and since there is a kid involved, try and keep at least some kind of dialogue going with her. if you lose your rag , it will make things worse in that regard.
good luck ,whatever the outcome
Ely, you know I like you, but... marriage as a token of your love? Having to be married 'for the kid'? What century are you from, exactly? It's fine to regard it as such, but don't forget that others might carry different views on this matter.
My longtime girlfriend and me aren't married, and it's certainly not a sign of any lack of genuine love between us.
Also, blog or not, I'm in the 'this is a community'-camp.
I hope you pull through alright, and no matter what happens that you stay in touch with your daughter.
This has happened to me twice in my life so far, the first time I was too young to even care, the second time was different though. I considered her my soul mate, she was beautiful and I loved her. The difference was she didn't tell me but I knew it was happening... caught Debbie out a few times here and there, "o so your off to see your grandmother" then me and my mate spot her dancing with some guy in a bar... it wasn't to last...
What has happened to you is worse though, my ex couldn't have children (even though we tried many times) if your child is already born it seems you need to protect your family as much as possible, take whatever legal means necessary.
If you look at it like this there is a considerable part of you in your child whether you still love or hate the mother.
Hope you can find a way to be happy and maybe meet the right woman in due course, good luck to you.
Edit: polycount is way harsh but not nasty, Deja you need to hit a punchbag or even someones face (if you can) and get out all that anger you have inside of you because an artist with no soul is absolutely useless.
Find girl -> fall in love -> get married -> have kids
It's a simple order really, and quite a concept. It saves a lot of heartache.
Being an asshat put aside, I feel for you. Best of luck. Hopefully you two can salvage something. It sounds like your over it for the most part. Tell her to get off the guilt trip already and focus on the hear and now.
Several things here. She's making excuses to get out of things still, but suggesting that you haven't forgiven her. I think someone else already hinted at this. She probably still wants to be with the other guy that she was cheating on you with.
Obviously, I don't KNOW you, but you'll likely end up second guessing everything she does for a long time. If she stays out late with her friends, or at work, you'll start wondering if she's screwing around again. It's extremely hard to trust and care for someone like this again. I do speak from experience, but I won't elaborate on it.
In all honesty, I wouldn't be surprised if she starts suggesting it was your fault somewhere along the line (if she hasn't already). That's the typical method of her excusing her actions to herself.
If that $20k was spent on having a living arrangement, then kick her out. Limit your loses. If that money went for housing and your daughter, then the money wasn't wasted. Don't feel obligated to leave her with a place to live. Remember, she screwed up. If you're worried about a roof over your daughter's head, then get custody. You're more likely to demonstrate a stable home for her.
I am sorry to hear about this though... it's a hard thing to deal with, even if asses in here can't understand that.
This thread makes me paranoid as hell.
thanks polycount!
haha.
You make it sound like most women will cheat, and that even when they do you have no idea.
It's just depressing.
And though I know my girlfriend isn't that type, you've got me scared.
I sort of went through this, I gave ten years of my life to someone, put everything on hold for her and in the end she just dumped me, yet again. If I had treated her like shit then maybe I could understand her bs. I think you need to ask yourself if you really want this person raising your kid. I'm lucky I didn't have kids with my ex, because when she pulls her shit she pulls a 180. She would of screwed me hard too. Yeah she is pulling shit to get rid of you that's all. She is just trying to be in control. If the kid is really yours, then she is going to try and take you for all your worth, child support, etc.
I think you should do a search on google for reasons why women cheat. Read and see if anything applies to you. Honestly, I would tell her how you feel, You seem to be in this passive mode which can be very dangerous. Don't do anything stupid. I would just tell her, you cheated on me and now you are pulling this shit. It's good to know how much of a selfish btch you are. You want to leave, don't let the door hit you on your ass, but my child stays with me. So if you want to leave get the fck out! Thanks for not thinking about our daughter before you went on your adventure.
As for what to do, if you have family go live with them for a little while, also start looking for a new place to live and a job and really consider taking your kid with you. Do exercise, do something to stay active and burn all the stress or you might go insane. If you were just too nice and she screwed you over because of that, people do that you know, then she seems unfit to raise her. Don't do anything stupid.
A few things you need to know though. Having a kid makes you a chick magnet. Women love that, they think you are all responsible and shit. You'll meet other people so take it easy. So take time to get your act together, then when you feel the time is right move on and date again. That period is different for everyone.
She might have told you because she feels you are not emotionally involved with her and that's a big thing. If that the case, telling her that you forgive her is the worst thing you could of done, because it tells her in her screwed up little mind that you don't give a damn or have no balls which is worse.
I don't know you or her so what I said may not apply. If you neglected her and thought just because you were paying the bills that was enough then, it's not enough.
You need to start over and you need to provide for your kid, that's all that matters. If she doesn't want you in her life because she is a bitch then it's her lose.That only applies if you treated her right though. She might change her tune when she sees you are leaving and are considering taking your child with you. To be honest how she going to support your kid and go to nursing school all on her own... If she didn't bother thinking about that then well, I hate to break it to you but you are better off, because that means she is just a selfish and reckless person.
Good luck. I know this isn't easy, I was supposed to get married this December, and well it's not going to happen. She might not be right for you and it's hard because you two have a kid together. I hope things don't get ugly and things work out in a way that your child doesn't get screwed up.
Ely, you know I like you, but... marriage as a token of your love? Having to be married 'for the kid'? What century are you from, exactly? It's fine to regard it as such, but don't forget that others might carry different views on this matter.
My longtime girlfriend and me aren't married, and it's certainly not a sign of any lack of genuine love between us.
Haha. I like you too. I didn't go on a rant about how marriage is a token of love.
Marriage is a mutual agreed upon set of moral obligations in writing for a court to see. That's important for circumstances such as this...where the term "Infidelity" doesn't hold much weight. Without a commitment, the woman has the freedom to choose whoever she wants to help raise her child. Also, she can choose whether or not the real father is listed on the child's birth certificate. The child's last name, etc.
Being married to the person who gave you offspring saves a world of headaches. I don't believe marriage is important for a relationship. I've been with my GF over 10 years. But I do believe marriage is important for a family.
But my main point in all this is...we should not be pouring out sympathies to someone when we do not know or understand the whole story. And we shouldn't be bashing anyone that doesn't sympathize. This isn't Dramacount. This guy should be talking to his girlfriend, his friends, and HIS FAMILY about this, instead of a random group of strangers on the internet. And perhaps both should seek relationship counseling...if she even wants to.
If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it. XD
Yea as far as his paternal rights, the laws are still pretty draconian about that. Kids stay with their mother unless she's unfit or dead, sleeping around on a boyfriend doesn't qualify by itself. They're more concerned with, keeping the kid in school, shelter and food, the courts could care less who is the better role model.
They probably wouldn't do anything unless she has trouble paying the bills, or exposes the kid to drugs or violence. Which sucks because to save the kid from trama she would have to first be exposed to it... awesome system we have. It's also hard to prove such things because well two bitter adults using their kid(s) as pawns happens all the time... And adults say the craziest things when they're hurt and pissed off.
It's probably a good idea to get a lawyer and either preserve your rights or protect your ass... like a dozen or so people have already pointed out.
it takes the effort of two to make a relationship work. sounds like she`s throwing in the towel. also- why is she so much more qualified to raise a kid? last i heard students were broke as hell.
Yea I don't agree with the laws... they're fucked. But it has something to do with having a pair of tits and a uterus that somehow makes you more fit. Or it could have something to do with 9 times out of 10 the father walks out the door first...
You're getting two types of reinforcement here... negative and positive. Although it's not very popular, sometimes people respond well to negative reinforcement. When told, "Shut up and stop being a loser" that can trigger a more straight to the point and aggressive response. Still, it's iffy at best to know how one might respond so I'd say it's best to avoid that angle.
I hate women who play head games. They hint and behave oddly to illicit some kind of response, but most guys are idiots... don't get the hint and a fight ensues. You get out of her what she's been acting all batshit about and when you say you'll do the thing she's been wanting you to do... it doesn't count now because she had to ask you to do it! She wants you to know what she wants without her having to say it. To any women here... please stop this nonsense. Say what you mean... mean what you say.
Anyway, it all smells like (as others have said) she wants out. She's obviously got some issues if she'd cheat on you and leave a child in the middle. Anyone who'd do that when a child is involved isn't worth being with.
Fight for your child. Seek every avenue to get custody (she was the unfaithful one, right?) and take care of that child. She doesn't deserve you or him/her.
That's a horrible situation man, you're going to feel like shit and have a lot of baggage, it's unavoidable, but hopefully our good ol PC advice helps. Here's my two cents; I've been in both circumstances, separately. My first gf left me for one of our best friends AND I went thru a grueling custody battle to make sure I was part of my son's life.
First the tough part, strictly from what you've said, she is done with you. She's a idiotic, immature cunt who's obviously very selfish and passive aggressive. Obviously she's over you and the relationship you two have, but instead of being mature and communicating this to you, she cheated and is using that admission of her guilt as a reason to break it off, the fact that she expects you to be over it so quickly shows a complete lack of respect or sympathy for what she's done to you. She's over you, sucks hard, but here's my advice on how to proceed;
Lawyer up, NOW. You need your legal right to see your daughter IN WRITING ASAP. Hopefully she's at least amicable to giving you a mediation session rather than dragging it out thru courts but you need a lawyer for legal advice. Yes you're broke but at least in WA they have programs to make sure you get the representation in family law. DO NOT just think "oh it'll work out because she's nice about it right now", I did that, worked for a few months, then we had an argument and she denied to let me see my son. Luckily if it does goto court you have a very strong case, start thinking of friends and family who can write up statements testifying to your character and your story. The sad fact of the matter is family court is unfairly slanted towards the mother due to societal biases, but circumstances are improving as more and more single fathers are fighting for their rights.
I certainly hope this works out much like my ex and I did, we were a shitty couple, and really dragged each other thru the mud during the court battle because it involves a lot of statements about each other's character (lots of skeletons out of the closet in a courtroom). But in the end we mediated with our lawyers and the relief of being out of that stress allowed us to become friends. Not only did I get more than the status quo from the mediation, now that we're friends we work together to make sure our son is taken care of, and I get a lot more time with him. She may have really hurt you and be a horrible gf, but that doesn't mean she is a bad mom or won't work with you to make sure you get plenty of time with your daughter. Remember, as a father your first priority in life is being there for your daughter, so the sooner you get legal docs and can work with your ex, the better. And the closest thing to joint custody you can get is ideal, the status quo here in WA is every other weekend and a few vacations, which is complete bullshit, a kid needs both parents equally.
Get your money situation sorted out, a stable living situation for yourself and your daughter when you have her is a must. Sadly both parents under the same roof is ideal, while being a single parent requires you to do everything for to take care of your daughter rather than split the responsibilities. Get all the equipment needed, read A LOT of books on raising kids, most importantly, be present for her. The world doesn't need another girl growing up lacking a father, and since you obviously want to be there for her, securing your place in her life is the most crucial step towards making sure she grows up a happy and healthy contributing member of society, plus a cool daughter to boot!
Last part is probably the last thing you want to think about right now, but down the road when you start to date again you need to make sure your ass is covered, which starts with WEARING A CONDOM EVERY TIME. Or if you want to be even more confident, get your sperm frozen and get a vasectomy. I'm guessing since she's your gf that her pregnancy wasn't planned. Don't let it happen again until you know you're with a woman who's more responsible and trustworthy, you're financially stable, etc etc. No offense, but you can't pin the blame all on her for being in this situation, YOU got her pregnant, YOU moved to fulfill her schooling, YOU paid a shit ton of money on her, and YOU surely needed to pay more attention to the warning signs that this girl wasn't quite right in the head. Learn from your mistakes, and I'd highly recommend seeking a psychologist for that once the child custody is settled.
Best advice I can give you is that she is not worth the effort you've given. You've painted a pretty clear picture of who she is with relatively few words.
You got to be strong, not make excuses for her or yourself.
I think you need to get the fuck out of this relationship straight up. I know this type of girl.
Keep reminder yourself that as much as it might hurt right now, time heals all.
And yeah man, don't feel guilty about venting this shit. It has to get out and ideally people want to be understood by there peers. And to you're credit you don't seem to be looking for pity, just understanding.
if she's the one that was unfaithful, the responsability is on HER to provide for YOU and YOUR child. by doing what she did she has no respect for you, or the child you have together.
jeeze man, i don't even have kids of my own, but my girlfriend has 3, and even i respect the fact that they look up to me like i'm their dad.
ultimately, you need to make a judgement call, nobody should ever stay together "for the kids", because in the end the kid will just grow up in a negative environment. but if she's the one fucking around, it's her fault, her responsability, and her problem to deal with. tell her your leaving, go to your parents, take your kid, there's fuckall she can do about it, and there's fuck all she can say that will make it right, other than "here's your welfare money".
if you let her do it, she'll milk you for every penny she can, and will leave you when it's convenient for her. stand up for yourself, get what YOU deserve.
Replies
"However, these random posts of "I ate cookies today" or "My car is blue" or whatever really need to come to an end. They provide no topic for discussion and are generally useless and become filled with lolcats and such anyway."
If you think having your girlfriend cheat on you, and your family broken up is trivial, then there is nothing I could say that would get your head out of your ass.
@Deja: You know I respect your art, and am glad you are around here to post it, but do you think you are the first person on Polycount who has had the kinds of problems you have? You got some solid advice from people who know what they are talking about-- too bad you still can't give up feeling sorry for yourself.
On topic: This is really shitty
We aren't talking about two sixteen year olds here. There is a kid involved, and a fair bit of money. So maybe your experience doesn't apply.
'go make art' is not a bandage in all cases, especially here from the sounds of things. It sounds downright retarded when you suggest it as a fix for possibly losing his daughter.
I thought I had problems, but jeez, this guys blows them right out of the water. Lamont, if you got some nuggets of advice, post em out here in case any of us ever need em.
Sorry mate, your situation sounds awful. Doesn't seem to have a silver lining in it. Just keep going and don't stop fighting for your daughter, that's all I can say.
As for her I don't think she is worth your effort and I doubt she ever was. Unfortunately this is all behavior that will be modeled for your child. Try to be involved as much as possible in her upbringing so that she can become a normal human being.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself and stop being miserable. Misery loves company. You should feel good about yourself for giving her your trust and support. It's not your fault that she broke the trust but you might take a look at your judgment with respect to selecting mates. Focus your thoughts on ways to affect the positive change that you want and stop wallowing in your own despair.
Now go kick some ass!
Sounds like something some teenager would say. Yes, you got it. Thats exactly the sort of stuff I say. Whats happened here is he has tried to act hard but ended up sounding like a butt hurt emo : )
EDIT- ROFL I just saw his wall of emo text... I feel sorry for the hyprocrit, I really do. Bit harsh? I guess I should " quit whining and make art."
AYE, SEE WHAT I DID THAR MATEE?
This stuff usually happens because somebody isn't communicating. Perhaps it's her fault, perhaps it's yours, likely it's a combination. Let her talk to discover the root of the problem, not necessarily just to apologize etc. Consider a counselor, it's their job and they're good at it. There's a lot at stake with your daughter.
Are you sure the lil girl is your daughter, your flesh and blood ?
If I was cheated on, id make sure that all my kids are my own espeacialy my youngest child.
...oh, wait...Nevermind that...
2 months of cheating on you? Dude...that's a long time. Did you at least smack her when you found out? (...Jk?...)
Man...my advice is to find out how you can take custody of the kid and just leave the chick...she obviously doesn't "love you". I mean....she practically had another boyfriend for 2 months!...That is, if she was only with one dude...it could've been multiple dudes! ahhh!
Sorry, I'm just trying to lighten you up a bit...in a weird kinda way....? Anyways, go talk to a lawyer and tell him that you're capable of raising a child...seeing as you were the money maker and she can't support the kid....kinda gives you an upperhand.
If it were me, I'd get away from her unless you want this drama for the rest of your life. You've probably already lost all respect in her eyes if she thinks she can fuck around on you. In all honesty, I'd beat the crap out of the guy, and tell her to fuck off. But thats probably not the smartest thing to do. However I do think you need to take charge of your life, man up, and get rid of her. And I wouldn't be polite about it.
Make sure you have friends and family around to take your mind off the bullshit of the situation also, play games, make art, do cool shit.
You sure you aren't from 4chan?
Cheating is really shitty. This woman basically stole money from you. it's obvious she was bleeding you dry, and is now making you look like the bad guy because she A. Hates you B. Hates herself and can't deal with it. This happened to me, exactly, minus the money, and it's no fucking fun. Some self-loathing woman comes into your life and bleeds you dry, you give everything and it's never enough. Then you find out she's been going behind your back, and messing around with other people and still has the nerve to say you're the bad guy because you "Didn't meet her needs". If that's the case, she should have just left you instead of keeping up some bullshit farce "for the sake of both of you"
I guess the point is, you have to get over it, because it's fucked. Over with. Done. You probably deserve better. You need to make sure you see your daughter when you can, because she has no right to take her away from you if you've done nothing wrong (as far as we know) You need to get her out of your fucking life. Chances are she'll come around in the future looking for handouts.But uh, this has probably all been said already.(im also speaking from my experience with this type of thing, so it may not all be applicable to your situation)
Wait... its not a one liner! yes!
It perhaps has some people who realize that they know nothing of this guy, his girl, their background, or simply BOTH SIDES OF THIS STORY, to be freely and carelessly giving him sympathy. And both involved should be discussing this issue with people they know, instead of anonymous folks on a progressively premenstrual game art forum.
You gave her all your money (for some unknown reason), had a kid, and then she slept around. You forgave her (for some unknown reason). You should have told her she's a slut, and you can do better than her. And after the fact, she's blaming you for something. Your relationship is fucked. Don't look for sympathy. Shake things up.
And don't come to a forum looking for a hug when folks here realize they're only getting a small portion from one half of the story.
some of the comments here are just 'way' too harsh, bordering on deranged really.
hope you get stuff sorted out man and since there is a kid involved, try and keep at least some kind of dialogue going with her. if you lose your rag , it will make things worse in that regard.
good luck ,whatever the outcome
edit: I read things too quickly...scratch that. Still seek legal advice and family money to pay for it if you can.
My longtime girlfriend and me aren't married, and it's certainly not a sign of any lack of genuine love between us.
Also, blog or not, I'm in the 'this is a community'-camp.
I hope you pull through alright, and no matter what happens that you stay in touch with your daughter.
What has happened to you is worse though, my ex couldn't have children (even though we tried many times) if your child is already born it seems you need to protect your family as much as possible, take whatever legal means necessary.
If you look at it like this there is a considerable part of you in your child whether you still love or hate the mother.
Hope you can find a way to be happy and maybe meet the right woman in due course, good luck to you.
Edit: polycount is way harsh but not nasty, Deja you need to hit a punchbag or even someones face (if you can) and get out all that anger you have inside of you because an artist with no soul is absolutely useless.
It's a simple order really, and quite a concept. It saves a lot of heartache.
Being an asshat put aside, I feel for you. Best of luck. Hopefully you two can salvage something. It sounds like your over it for the most part. Tell her to get off the guilt trip already and focus on the hear and now.
-> get divorced -> pay alimony -> see your kids being raised by a succession of new daddies
Several things here. She's making excuses to get out of things still, but suggesting that you haven't forgiven her. I think someone else already hinted at this. She probably still wants to be with the other guy that she was cheating on you with.
Obviously, I don't KNOW you, but you'll likely end up second guessing everything she does for a long time. If she stays out late with her friends, or at work, you'll start wondering if she's screwing around again. It's extremely hard to trust and care for someone like this again. I do speak from experience, but I won't elaborate on it.
In all honesty, I wouldn't be surprised if she starts suggesting it was your fault somewhere along the line (if she hasn't already). That's the typical method of her excusing her actions to herself.
If that $20k was spent on having a living arrangement, then kick her out. Limit your loses. If that money went for housing and your daughter, then the money wasn't wasted. Don't feel obligated to leave her with a place to live. Remember, she screwed up. If you're worried about a roof over your daughter's head, then get custody. You're more likely to demonstrate a stable home for her.
I am sorry to hear about this though... it's a hard thing to deal with, even if asses in here can't understand that.
thanks polycount!
haha.
You make it sound like most women will cheat, and that even when they do you have no idea.
It's just depressing.
And though I know my girlfriend isn't that type, you've got me scared.
I hate you all.
I will echo what many have already said. Get custody of your child and kick her to the curb, literally.
Best of luck, mate.
I think you should do a search on google for reasons why women cheat. Read and see if anything applies to you. Honestly, I would tell her how you feel, You seem to be in this passive mode which can be very dangerous. Don't do anything stupid. I would just tell her, you cheated on me and now you are pulling this shit. It's good to know how much of a selfish btch you are. You want to leave, don't let the door hit you on your ass, but my child stays with me. So if you want to leave get the fck out! Thanks for not thinking about our daughter before you went on your adventure.
As for what to do, if you have family go live with them for a little while, also start looking for a new place to live and a job and really consider taking your kid with you. Do exercise, do something to stay active and burn all the stress or you might go insane. If you were just too nice and she screwed you over because of that, people do that you know, then she seems unfit to raise her. Don't do anything stupid.
A few things you need to know though. Having a kid makes you a chick magnet. Women love that, they think you are all responsible and shit. You'll meet other people so take it easy. So take time to get your act together, then when you feel the time is right move on and date again. That period is different for everyone.
She might have told you because she feels you are not emotionally involved with her and that's a big thing. If that the case, telling her that you forgive her is the worst thing you could of done, because it tells her in her screwed up little mind that you don't give a damn or have no balls which is worse.
I don't know you or her so what I said may not apply. If you neglected her and thought just because you were paying the bills that was enough then, it's not enough.
You need to start over and you need to provide for your kid, that's all that matters. If she doesn't want you in her life because she is a bitch then it's her lose.That only applies if you treated her right though. She might change her tune when she sees you are leaving and are considering taking your child with you. To be honest how she going to support your kid and go to nursing school all on her own... If she didn't bother thinking about that then well, I hate to break it to you but you are better off, because that means she is just a selfish and reckless person.
Good luck. I know this isn't easy, I was supposed to get married this December, and well it's not going to happen. She might not be right for you and it's hard because you two have a kid together. I hope things don't get ugly and things work out in a way that your child doesn't get screwed up.
Haha. I like you too. I didn't go on a rant about how marriage is a token of love.
Marriage is a mutual agreed upon set of moral obligations in writing for a court to see. That's important for circumstances such as this...where the term "Infidelity" doesn't hold much weight. Without a commitment, the woman has the freedom to choose whoever she wants to help raise her child. Also, she can choose whether or not the real father is listed on the child's birth certificate. The child's last name, etc.
Being married to the person who gave you offspring saves a world of headaches. I don't believe marriage is important for a relationship. I've been with my GF over 10 years. But I do believe marriage is important for a family.
But my main point in all this is...we should not be pouring out sympathies to someone when we do not know or understand the whole story. And we shouldn't be bashing anyone that doesn't sympathize. This isn't Dramacount. This guy should be talking to his girlfriend, his friends, and HIS FAMILY about this, instead of a random group of strangers on the internet. And perhaps both should seek relationship counseling...if she even wants to.
If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it. XD
They probably wouldn't do anything unless she has trouble paying the bills, or exposes the kid to drugs or violence. Which sucks because to save the kid from trama she would have to first be exposed to it... awesome system we have. It's also hard to prove such things because well two bitter adults using their kid(s) as pawns happens all the time... And adults say the craziest things when they're hurt and pissed off.
It's probably a good idea to get a lawyer and either preserve your rights or protect your ass... like a dozen or so people have already pointed out.
it takes the effort of two to make a relationship work. sounds like she`s throwing in the towel. also- why is she so much more qualified to raise a kid? last i heard students were broke as hell.
*edit* holy shit,, 4 pages? really?
I hate women who play head games. They hint and behave oddly to illicit some kind of response, but most guys are idiots... don't get the hint and a fight ensues. You get out of her what she's been acting all batshit about and when you say you'll do the thing she's been wanting you to do... it doesn't count now because she had to ask you to do it! She wants you to know what she wants without her having to say it. To any women here... please stop this nonsense. Say what you mean... mean what you say.
Anyway, it all smells like (as others have said) she wants out. She's obviously got some issues if she'd cheat on you and leave a child in the middle. Anyone who'd do that when a child is involved isn't worth being with.
Fight for your child. Seek every avenue to get custody (she was the unfaithful one, right?) and take care of that child. She doesn't deserve you or him/her.
First the tough part, strictly from what you've said, she is done with you. She's a idiotic, immature cunt who's obviously very selfish and passive aggressive. Obviously she's over you and the relationship you two have, but instead of being mature and communicating this to you, she cheated and is using that admission of her guilt as a reason to break it off, the fact that she expects you to be over it so quickly shows a complete lack of respect or sympathy for what she's done to you. She's over you, sucks hard, but here's my advice on how to proceed;
Lawyer up, NOW. You need your legal right to see your daughter IN WRITING ASAP. Hopefully she's at least amicable to giving you a mediation session rather than dragging it out thru courts but you need a lawyer for legal advice. Yes you're broke but at least in WA they have programs to make sure you get the representation in family law. DO NOT just think "oh it'll work out because she's nice about it right now", I did that, worked for a few months, then we had an argument and she denied to let me see my son. Luckily if it does goto court you have a very strong case, start thinking of friends and family who can write up statements testifying to your character and your story. The sad fact of the matter is family court is unfairly slanted towards the mother due to societal biases, but circumstances are improving as more and more single fathers are fighting for their rights.
I certainly hope this works out much like my ex and I did, we were a shitty couple, and really dragged each other thru the mud during the court battle because it involves a lot of statements about each other's character (lots of skeletons out of the closet in a courtroom). But in the end we mediated with our lawyers and the relief of being out of that stress allowed us to become friends. Not only did I get more than the status quo from the mediation, now that we're friends we work together to make sure our son is taken care of, and I get a lot more time with him. She may have really hurt you and be a horrible gf, but that doesn't mean she is a bad mom or won't work with you to make sure you get plenty of time with your daughter. Remember, as a father your first priority in life is being there for your daughter, so the sooner you get legal docs and can work with your ex, the better. And the closest thing to joint custody you can get is ideal, the status quo here in WA is every other weekend and a few vacations, which is complete bullshit, a kid needs both parents equally.
Get your money situation sorted out, a stable living situation for yourself and your daughter when you have her is a must. Sadly both parents under the same roof is ideal, while being a single parent requires you to do everything for to take care of your daughter rather than split the responsibilities. Get all the equipment needed, read A LOT of books on raising kids, most importantly, be present for her. The world doesn't need another girl growing up lacking a father, and since you obviously want to be there for her, securing your place in her life is the most crucial step towards making sure she grows up a happy and healthy contributing member of society, plus a cool daughter to boot!
Last part is probably the last thing you want to think about right now, but down the road when you start to date again you need to make sure your ass is covered, which starts with WEARING A CONDOM EVERY TIME. Or if you want to be even more confident, get your sperm frozen and get a vasectomy. I'm guessing since she's your gf that her pregnancy wasn't planned. Don't let it happen again until you know you're with a woman who's more responsible and trustworthy, you're financially stable, etc etc. No offense, but you can't pin the blame all on her for being in this situation, YOU got her pregnant, YOU moved to fulfill her schooling, YOU paid a shit ton of money on her, and YOU surely needed to pay more attention to the warning signs that this girl wasn't quite right in the head. Learn from your mistakes, and I'd highly recommend seeking a psychologist for that once the child custody is settled.
I've been hearing more and more stories like this, where the women are the ones doing the cheating. Sucks that we're living in times like these
Best advice I can give you is that she is not worth the effort you've given. You've painted a pretty clear picture of who she is with relatively few words.
You got to be strong, not make excuses for her or yourself.
I think you need to get the fuck out of this relationship straight up. I know this type of girl.
Keep reminder yourself that as much as it might hurt right now, time heals all.
And yeah man, don't feel guilty about venting this shit. It has to get out and ideally people want to be understood by there peers. And to you're credit you don't seem to be looking for pity, just understanding.
Good luck bro.
jeeze man, i don't even have kids of my own, but my girlfriend has 3, and even i respect the fact that they look up to me like i'm their dad.
ultimately, you need to make a judgement call, nobody should ever stay together "for the kids", because in the end the kid will just grow up in a negative environment. but if she's the one fucking around, it's her fault, her responsability, and her problem to deal with. tell her your leaving, go to your parents, take your kid, there's fuckall she can do about it, and there's fuck all she can say that will make it right, other than "here's your welfare money".
if you let her do it, she'll milk you for every penny she can, and will leave you when it's convenient for her. stand up for yourself, get what YOU deserve.