Jokes!
polycounter lvl 19
Kung Chow called his boss and said, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt, I not come work."
The boss says: "Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her I need to have sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."
The boss says: "Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her I need to have sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Replies
"Hey, why the long face?"
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
Courtesy of Ebaumsworld. ;D
the 7 year old girl in my trunk.
Data: I know. I just now got it.
Star Trek: Generations
tubboy
"This is great," he thought and floored it some more. He looked in his rear view mirror and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blasting "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the State Trooper to catch up with him.
The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said looking at his watch, "my shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day."
A mother told her little girl: "If someone sexually harass you by touching your top part, you must say 'DON'T!'. Touching your lower part you must say 'STOP!'". The next day, the little girl came back home and told her mother she was sexually harassed. The mother was very angry and asked if the little girl rejected that man by doing what she taught her. The little girl gave an innocent look and nodded her head and said, "That man touched my top and lower part at the same time, so I said 'DON'T STOP!'
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
I know, weak, weak, but funny to me at least.
Hey Brome, yours was pretty good. Where did you get it? Do you have a link?
the throat sweet orders a beer, drinks up and leaves.
the mint comes out trembling and says 'that was a close one'
the barman says 'wassup?'
the mint says, 'don't you know that guy? he f***ing MENTHOL!!'
here's a joke for you:
tubboy
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hahaha
i thought that was pretty damn funny myself
- Want to go in and get Shit-Faced?
The Joint Chiefs were together having an argument over who had the bravest soldiers. They argued for 3 hours until they settled on going to each of their respective bases to have a member show what bravery was. They decided to draw straws and would start on the next day.
The short straw was drawn by the Marine General, so the went first to Camp Pendelton. Which at the time, was in the middle of a live fire exercise. The General went up to a Marine, grabbed a grenade from his web-gear, and pulling the pin, he dropped it 5 feet from himself...he then ordered the Marine to drop on it to save the General's lives. The Marine never hesitated as the grenade ended his life. Now that is bravery, said the General...to which the rest agreed, but still said they had braver.
The next day, was the Admiral's turn. Then went to Virginia, and boarded an Air Craft Carrier. The admiral got on the ship phone, and calling up the the crow's nest, he ordered the seaman up there to jump. The sailor never hesitated and smashed to the deck. The Admiral turned around said, "Now that's bravery". However, both the Army and Air Force Generals said they had braver...
Next was the Army Generals turn...they went to the nearest Army Post, and they too were having a live fire exercise...The Army General, went to the field, and ordered a soldier to stop a tank with nothing buy his bayonet, he did, and was crushed... "Now that's bravery." Which the others agreed except for the Air Force General.
The next day was the Air Force General's turn. The went to Andrews AF Base and went straight to the flightline. There was a Squadron of F16s doing quick take-off and landing exercises. They went to a hangar and found an Airman, working on an F16 engine. The AF General, called the Airman over and ordered him to go out to the flightline, climb up onto one of the F16s waiting to Taxi out, and hold on the tail of the F16 while it went thru it's take-off and landing exercise. The Airman looked out, looked back at the General, and said "Fuck You", and then he turned around and went back to work on the engine. The AF General turned around and said "Now that's bravery."
What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable?
- The wheelchair
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here's a joke for you:
tubboy
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hahaha
i thought that was pretty damn funny myself
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The best part about it was its irony, which leads me to this:
"Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?"
"Yeah, it's like goldy and bronzy, only it's made of iron"
[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
here's a joke for you:
tubboy
[/ QUOTE ]
hahaha
i thought that was pretty damn funny myself
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The best part about it was its irony, which leads me to this:
"Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?"
"Yeah, it's like goldy and bronzy, only it's made of iron"
[/ QUOTE ]
Yes, tubboy is anything but popular with me.
whats black and blue and doesnt like sex?
the 7 year old girl in my trunk.
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You got to appreciate a joke you can end a party with
Oh and Jinxter, never tell jokes with a political message, they have never been funny and will never be (although I agree with this particular one)
ps: the PM system really is a wonderfull invention.
What does giving oral to your grandmother taste like?
Depends
Nothing
Nuff said.
http://www.northerner.com/products/ta37-39.html
i imagine you'd wreck a few pens with a pen stand like this!
Whats the difference between a duck?
(No answer, but I like the punchline "Salvidor Dali")
Artificial Intelligence
What is a blond who shut herself into the freezer for and hour?
frosted flakes
What is a blond going to say after $ex?
What team do you guys play for now?
What is a blond going to do to turn on the light after $ex?
Open the car door
Two blonds Trixie and Bimbo were pissed about never being promoted.
Bimbo went to Erica the Boss and asked her this.
Erica held up her hand and said see my hand? And told Bimbo to hit her hand.
Bimbo swung hard, but Erica moved her hand and Bimbo's fist collided with the concrete wall. Erica smiled and went back to work. Bimbo with knuckles bleeding went back to her station.
Quickly Trixie approached and looked at her co-worker's bloody hand and asked what did ya find out?
Bimbo, wordless held up her open hand in front of her face and said, ok see my hand......