[Final] Eternal

blackinferno7

Hello everyone! I'm very excited to enter this contest and wish all contestants the best of luck!

This is my narrative entry. The title originally was "FOUR" however I didn't feel like that referenced the story in it's entirety. I will attach the PDF of the final draft to this post. 

EDIT: Final version attached

blackinferno7

First draft is attached here. I will post the notes of what I believe I need to change under this.

blackinferno7

*One man, cloaked and clearly attempting to blend into the commotion, was headed for the residence of a Demacian diplomat attending the festivities as a showing of good nature between the two lands.*
Too long of a sentence. The thought seems to run on. Also the diplomat would not have residence if he was visiting from another land; it would be his current accommodations instead
Fixed: One man was cloaked and clearly attempting to blend into the commotion. He appeared to be headed for the accommodations of a Demacian diplomat who was attending the festivities as a showing of good nature between the two lands. 
Wasn't keen on the original title "Four". "Eternal" seems to reference the story more with Kindred being the Eternal Hunters and as the story progresses, you see Jhin's performances as well as his soul also becoming eternal.
Also, current word count is 1037. Need to find a way of making it less wordy while still conveying the same story.

blackinferno7

Attached final draft to original post. Final word count was down to 998. Got rid of as many words as I could to make it less wordy but didn't take out anything that would affect too much of the storyline. Again, good luck to all who enter!