[WIP] i am the monster (but you let me right in)

unpolar

will you remember me for who i am?
or will you forget me for what i've done?
villain - social repose

i am the monster (but you let me right in) is a short story focusing on Kayn's past and lore, namely the events that unfolded after he decided to take Rhaast instead of destroying the weapon. It means to mainly show three things: Kayn's inner conflict and emotions and his relationships with both Rhaast and Zed, because while the lore doesn't explain what exactly happened that lead to Kayn not fulfilling his planned goal of getting to lead the Order of the Shadows, I don't think Zed very approved of his best student disobeying his orders, which I meant to explore within my story.

characters: Kayn, Rhaast, Zed

referenced lore: the official lore and the short story the blade of millennia

wordcount: around 974 words 

draft: 

You are starting to lose track of where Kayn ends and where Rhaast begins. It's been hours, maybe days, maybe millennias since the tips of your fingers brushed against the metal of the scythe and you have been drowning ever since, your essence coming apart at the seems, stitched together loosely by the one thing you are still clinging to, but the hunger is already tearing you apart. Rhaast wants, and wants, craves the blood, the destruction, the satisfaction of the kill deep inside of his soulless bones and your own need is keeping him at bay, because you are no better than him. There's been a leaking hole inside of your chest ever since you picked up that sickle, surrounded by the fallen bodies of the kids that were supposed to be soldiers and you broke yourself a thousand times in the desperate attempt to feel complete again.

You did well, is what you expected, but instead Zed rewards you with a glance that cuts through your bones, and shadows can't hurt shadows, but he's the only thing in the entire world that can tear you apart with a mere shift of his gaze. “Not bad”, he says, disapproval leaking from his words and you don't understand. 
He fears you, Rhaast whispers, the words echoing through your mind and you push them away, because that's not what you wanted. “Except for that part where you disobeyed my orders and took the weapon you were supposed to destroy for yourself, only to know get corrupted by it.”

Swallowing the lump that starts to form in your throat makes you feel raw and exposed, but you don't look away from the glint of red in Zed's eyes, the red that you know is now mirrored in your left eye. The room is utterly silent, because the other assassins know better than to disturb you, and it feels like you are breathing in dust and shadows instead of the stale air of the hall. 
“Master, I can control him”, there's a tone hidden beneath the words that sounds an awful lot like desperation, but that's such an obvious weakness that Zed raises an eyebrow. In the torchlight, the map of scars on his features looks even sharper, even more disapproving. 
“Kayn”, he doesn't say your name like he used to, because you were his best student, his best mistake, and now it's the edge of the world and you're about to fall. “Do you honestly consider me stupid enough to not see that you are already falling apart? You turned yourself into a ticking time bomb.”

He crosses his arms and Rhaast sends the urge to kill pulsing through your blood. Instead you drop to one knee, the coldness of the stone floor seeping through your clothes, because the realization comes in a flash, that you are about to lose the only place, the only person that ever meant something to you, ever since that bloodbath, that battlefield, ever since the killing and the shadows and the nightmares, and you realize it, with a sharp pain, that you can't loose the only thing that keeps your nightmares at bay.
“Have faith in me”, you plead and he grins, a sharp tug in the corner of his mouth. 
“Faith in our line of work gets you killed and I thought you knew that.” 

Nights in Ionia have always been cold, but tonight you can hardly feel it over the heat in your veins, like a raging fever inside of your bones that's eating you alive, and maybe it is. A part of you wants to give in, to Rhaast, whispering sweet nothings into your ear, about death and hate and revenge. 
Instead, you keep going, because the world is falling apart around you, set ablaze by the one mistake you made, and the island is silent but the war inside your head is screaming – but there is no way for you except forward, away from this place, away from Zed and the almost disappointment in his eyes.

“I will kill you”, it's not a promise, it's a fact, and Rhaast laughs.
So that your master will look you in the eyes again? Way to go, kid.

The part of you that picked up the scythe instead of destroying it knows that he is right – you spend years of your life listening to lectures about feelings and the weakness they bring with them, but here you are, knuckles white against the black steel of the scythe, its red eye the only source of light in the cold night that surrounds you and you feel an awful lot like your blood is made up of mistakes and weakness. 
He will never want you, Rhaast hums, and you are surprised by the raw chuckle that drops from your lips and shatters on the dark grass. “You're in my head, you should know I don't care.”
It sounds an awful lot like a lie, but somewhere along the line you realize that you really don't care – as long as he looks at you, you don't care how. Somewhere in your head, Rhaast laughs. 

“I'll make him acknowledge me”, you say.
I'll make him fear me, Rhaast says. 

Your breath clouds the air and you breathe in, breathe out, fall apart and piece yourself together again. There's still a leaking hole in your chest, but you can't feel the pain any longer, and you still don't know where Kayn ends and Rhaast begins, but you don't care. You breathe in and let the hunger tear you apart and then you grab the scythe and figure leaving is the easiest thing you've ever done. 

“I'll come back as a hero”, you say.
You'll be a villain, Rhaast says.
“I'll come back”, both of you say.
Neither of you looks back.