Quitting
I realize that personal blog posts are not very welcome here, but it's an industry related issue, so please bear with me.
Long story short, nearly two years ago I have gotten my first games industry job at a big AAA studio. Although I had some reservations in regards to the project, I believed this would be my dream gig. The pay is good, co-workers are great, the hours are decent and my hard work had been rewarded. I should be perfectly happy.
Instead, I've been feeling increasingly miserable and my dormant depression had kicked in again. Throughout all this time, I have failed to make any strong personal connections and as a result my social life is nearly non-existent. I cannot stand the city the studio is located in and I've been missing my home country, family and friends. Art, which I used to love creating, no longer makes me satisfied and the time consuming next gen workflow is slowly wearing me down. Even though I am given a decent degree of autonomy, I feel like a cog in the machine, unable to make any impact on the big picture. I am doing my very best to create good work, but I find myself increasingly dissatisfied with the project. It feels like my whole life had been put on hold and I'm doing nothing but waiting till the game ships and I can move on, with a title on my resume.
Lately I came to a tipping point and I started asking myself; what if I just left?
The project I am working on is still far from being finished, so I may not be able to show anything for a very long time. As a result, it might be difficult for me to find another job straight away. Even if I did, I started questioning myself if I really want to work in the AAA development any more. A part of me just wants to go back home, move in back with my parents and spend some time working on my personal projects and freelance while I figure out my next step.
I would truly hate to give up all that I've worked for, but at the same time I feel like I should cut my loses now, instead of getting burnt out completely. On the other hand, I would be betraying all of the people who rely on me and causing trouble for those who will need to pick up my work.
I'm really torn over this decision and I'm hoping that some of you might be able to answer some of my questions.
What is the attitude in the industry towards gaps in a resume? I often read that quitting without having a job lined up is a red flag for future employers.
Is it generally accepted for someone with only 2 years of experience to leave before the end of their first project?
How to make an exit without having another job offer, in a way that does not offend anyone and does not damage work schedules? I wouldn't want to burn any bridges as I still want to make games in the future.
Thanks in advance!
Long story short, nearly two years ago I have gotten my first games industry job at a big AAA studio. Although I had some reservations in regards to the project, I believed this would be my dream gig. The pay is good, co-workers are great, the hours are decent and my hard work had been rewarded. I should be perfectly happy.
Instead, I've been feeling increasingly miserable and my dormant depression had kicked in again. Throughout all this time, I have failed to make any strong personal connections and as a result my social life is nearly non-existent. I cannot stand the city the studio is located in and I've been missing my home country, family and friends. Art, which I used to love creating, no longer makes me satisfied and the time consuming next gen workflow is slowly wearing me down. Even though I am given a decent degree of autonomy, I feel like a cog in the machine, unable to make any impact on the big picture. I am doing my very best to create good work, but I find myself increasingly dissatisfied with the project. It feels like my whole life had been put on hold and I'm doing nothing but waiting till the game ships and I can move on, with a title on my resume.
Lately I came to a tipping point and I started asking myself; what if I just left?
The project I am working on is still far from being finished, so I may not be able to show anything for a very long time. As a result, it might be difficult for me to find another job straight away. Even if I did, I started questioning myself if I really want to work in the AAA development any more. A part of me just wants to go back home, move in back with my parents and spend some time working on my personal projects and freelance while I figure out my next step.
I would truly hate to give up all that I've worked for, but at the same time I feel like I should cut my loses now, instead of getting burnt out completely. On the other hand, I would be betraying all of the people who rely on me and causing trouble for those who will need to pick up my work.
I'm really torn over this decision and I'm hoping that some of you might be able to answer some of my questions.
What is the attitude in the industry towards gaps in a resume? I often read that quitting without having a job lined up is a red flag for future employers.
Is it generally accepted for someone with only 2 years of experience to leave before the end of their first project?
How to make an exit without having another job offer, in a way that does not offend anyone and does not damage work schedules? I wouldn't want to burn any bridges as I still want to make games in the future.
Thanks in advance!
Replies
You might want to ride this out and help finish the title so you can at least get the appropriate credit to put on your resume. That might seem like more than you can bear at this time, but if you've put two years of your life into something, you might as well see it through (provided the title actually ships and isn't cancelled, etc.)
Which brings me to this point: If this project is taking a long time, and has a long way to go, it might not actually ship. I don't know the particulars of your situation, but it's something to think about. If it's on shaky ground, well, then the decision might be made for you and you'll be looking for work, regardless.
In regards to feeling satisfied, well, I can't always say I've felt creatively fulfilled on past projects, and I confess to wanting to quit on certain projects as well. And I also confess to being a bit of a whiner at times (at least when I came home), especially when things didn't really go my way. Not saying this is you, by the way, just relaying my own experiences. Luckily, I had friends who were around to remind me that I was getting paid to make art and I was doing everything voluntarily. Nobody put a gun to my head and told me to start making art for games. It's important to have that perspective, I think, even if all you get to do is UV tileset after tileset of industrial corridors or whatever. My worst day in games has still been easily better than my best day at certain other jobs. But I don't want to make light of your situation...you may really feel so down on things that you don't see any positives. In that case, maybe it's not really even the job that's the problem. Maybe it's time to seek some help from a therapist or something. I'm being completely serious. If life is just hard to deal with in general, it may be a sign of a larger problem.
Which brings me to the last little bit of advice I'd give you: Just for yourself, list out all the pros and all the cons (and be as honest with both categories as possible) of your current job where you are unhappy and then make a list of the pros and cons of quitting and see which seems more desirable. If quitting really is still attractive to you, then do it. There is no glory or deeper-meaning in staying involved in something that makes you miserable - you are simply wasting your precious life and time and you won't get the time back. There is nothing wrong with quitting, especially if you've given everything you've got to a project and you don't see any return on your investment. But it's also important that you don't quit on something that you actually care about while you're in a slump or dip where everything is overwhelmingly hard. You may just need to get through the valley so you can climb to the top of the mountain.
Best wishes to you and good luck with whatever path you choose.
I am going to make some sweeping assumptions about you and your situation because I can relate to what you are going though, and I mean no offense by anything, I am just trying to help you out. How many times have your turned down invitations from coworkers to go hangout outside of work? Or grab some food with a group? What I find is that people will invite you to things a handful of times and then eventually not ask anymore because you turn them down so many times. You need to step out of your comfort zone and reach out to people in order to start feeling better about your situation. This wont be easy, and it might have to start small, like simply asking some coworkers to go to lunch.
You need to admit you need help in order to start feeling better, and running away from your situation is probably the worst thing you can do right now. Depression can make you make absolutely horrible decisions about your life, and quitting your job doesn't seem like a rational decision. Attack your problem and stop avoiding it or it will tear you life apart.
I wish all the best to you, and hope you pull through, I know its tough.
Bardler, you are not far off in your assumptions and I am guilty of avoiding contact. I do think that I should try doing more to reach out to others, though I often find it very difficult. Although I did manage to make some improvements to my career issues, I can definitely try harder with my social issues.
SurlyBird. I can really relate to these feelings. Especially to whining a fair bit
Dustin. Thanks, you make some good points. Trying to get out of AAA might be a good idea in the long term, as I find the work culture to be rather constricting with its focus on specialization and large, highly structured teams. Perhaps working in a smaller, tighter knit team could be what I'm after.
Thanks again guys, reading your comments was a lot of help and gave me a lot to think about.
I struggle at times with situations you speak of, i'd say a lot has to do with your physical activity, i mean we all sit on our butts for hours on end day in and out that alone would bring anyone to a similar state that your in.
I would stay and take a few small "adventures", walking, running, biking preferably in a "social setting", conversations usually just spark up by just being in those atmospheres. You said you were in a city so i would suspect that they have a few parks nearby to do these things, hopefully you don't work on weekends and holidays so take those days to get out and about.
I can ramble for days but try a change in diet and exercise for a month but be strict and see how you feel, we are already in Feb so it will be in no time as long as your consistent, and stay away from alcohol for this time as well as any fast/processed foods. I bring these things up because of my experience i felt amazing when i did these things and i am mad emo, son.
Or ask for a "stress leave" (maybe a week or two?). Talk to your HR. If your studio is not that mature to have an hr, maybe get a doctor's note before talking to your bosses. You don't have to state anything specific, the doc will help you verbalize your reasons for asking. You don't have to inform your co-workers of your specific reasons. No shame in asking for a break if you feel you really need it.
You can still get your month salary when on leave (Im assuming you're in north america).
My advice. Take a vacation and get a hobby. Play guitar, take up painting, skateboarding, etc. Just do something to unwind. Exercise helps a lot.
Also you might be a person where the grass is always greener. When you're in a relationship do you really wish you are single or wish you are in a relationship when you're single? When you're freelancing living at home you might wish for nothing more than to not be there regardless of the circumstance.
Also keep things in perspective. You're making games! That's awesome. It can be stressful but it's games! There are a lot worse industries and jobs in the world than video games.
If it's as unbearably bad for you as you are making out to be, just go home and figure stuff out.
I don't think you'll ever regret making yourself happy. Even if other people take it the wrong way.
You should absolutely heed what others have said - There's a lot of good advice there, but if you've gotten to the point where things aren't reconcilable and you're just making yourself more and more miserable, don't be afraid to walk away. If you've got the skills to land the Triple A job you have now, there'll be other options available.
Your mental health is the most important thing. I know well that the sense of being trapped by circumstance does not to wonders for depression. It's obviously not an option you'll want to be too hasty in taking, but even just remembering that there is another path there if things get too hard might make you feel a little more positive.
For the moment is might be good to think about some ways of dealing with the lack of social live. It is always possible to get in touch with others but it might requires leaving your comfort zone if you're not one who easily socialize with others.
Depending of your type of depression a medical advice might be important too but this is something you most likely know best.
Wish you the best on a professional and personal level!
Have you considered talking to someone and i mean a professional because I know just how much that has helped me with problems from just starting to talk to someone else about it.
I think reaching out to your co workers would help a ton and i know just how easy it is for people to say that and how hard it is to do.
However, if you feel that your job is what makes you unhappy then yes it's time for a change BUT if it's something else that you haven't figured out yet, you'll end up in a situation where you just gave up your current source of security.
Not having friends or a girlfriend can quickly make you feel lonely. There is nothing more scary than loneliness in this world so it's very much up to you to go out of your comfort-zone to make some friends.
Nr 1 tip for making friends: Make sure you show interest in other peoples interest and engage them about it.
You also need to give a little think about others things that make you happy in life. Like getting hobby, master something else than art.
Obviously we can't tell you how you feel, or anything we say can't make you feel better in 5 minutes but I want you to know that we are here, and we are listening and even if we're offering advice you should not feel forced to listen to it. Take your time and just give it some thought
=-youre the creator of your own life not someone else!-=
If you quit your job - move back and do burgers at mcdonalds - why not - as long it makes you happy.
(This is the good and bad thing about this industry - everything goes with your portfolio - no one cares if you take a break or worked somewhere before)
I also strongly agree with chris - dont burn everything down immediately - analyse what makes you happy and what makes you unhappy and change it.
But listen to your inner voice and create new ways!
Hope you get on your feet soon - wish you luck!
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Go get evaluated by the appropriate professionals before you make any choices.
On the plus side, I think 2 years is an acceptable time to stay at your first job, so if youre not happy, look for something else. But i would say, find something else before you quit.....
In the meantime, to make yourself happy, book some holiday, travel somewhere, do something new. Even three days off works wonders for me, in fact i think a holiday away from computers every three months is pretty much essential to me enjoying my job long term....
Ever since I came to terms with that, I've been much, much happier.
-Exercise, even if you don't have the energy for it right now. It is even more important for your mental health than it is your physical health.
-Make friends, even if you have become too apathetic to realise the harm which loneliness inflicts.
-Start taking action. The worst thing you could possibly do at this point is to keep thinking it over but do nothing.
Consider all the effort you put into getting where you currently are or all the people who'd love to have your job. "Dream jobs" don't usually live up to expectations, after all you are being paid to work for shareholders. So I think a better strategy would be to go after the depression, treat that, and once you are out of the fog then you'll be in a better position to make life altering decisions.
I was really unhappy at this company in Austin, there were many days when I was ready to quit, tech was awful, I also felt like a cog in the system.
Looking back at it now, i'm relieved of stress, I'm enjoying the freelance life, I'm working on my health, because I've been sitting at a desk for so long, now I have the opportunity to exercise in the day, when I normally could not. I started 2013 at 250lb, now I'm 208lb.
Exercise feeds art creative juices!
I do miss the studio atmosphere, socializing with other artists, but that void has been filled with the awesome peeps on the Polycount Hangout!
So my advice for you, is do what you think is best. Sure its nice to have a steady paycheck, but if your unhappy in the work environment, its going to show in your work and attitude. Look around you, see what else is out there, because you maybe happier going somewhere else like I did