sort of motivational post... sort of.
ngon master
!!!WALL OF TEXT ALERT!!!
A bit of rambling here, just felt i had to get this out there.
As many of you may have noticed (or not…) I’ve had somewhat of a growth spurt artistically, skilfully… motivationally over the last few months.
I’d like to talk about it with you guys. I’d like to tell you what’s been going on inside my head up until now, up until it changed. And I’d like to tell you guys about the repercussions both good and bad.
I’ll start by saying, this post has been briefed and re-briefed a few times now. I’ve never really found a way of putting all this into words without offending SOMEONE, but now it’s gotten to the point where I’ve just got to live with the fact that I’m not going to make everybody happy.
Some parts of this post people will agree with, even sympathise or empathise with. Other parts will make people angry, make them never want to speak to me again, and that’s cool. I don’t mind.
So… where was i?
Up until the middle of last year I was kinda lost. I knew I wanted a career in the games industry, and I talked the big talk. I made posts that made it seem like I knew what I was talking about and for sure I did help people. But it was all just trying to big myself up, almost making myself believe I was “almost there”… making myself think that hey, I’m a big shot here and people love what I do! I love what I do!
But I wasn’t employed, not just by a games studio, but just completely unemployed. I had made the decision that I would either work in the industry or I wouldn’t work at all, I would bust my ass trying to get in and that was all there was to it. But it wasn’t working.
I was procrastinating. Pretty much all day every day, I would noodle around make the odd tid-bits of art here or there, some of it good some of it not so good. But none of it focused, and none of it ever got finished. I’d become a master of the middle-ground, always starting projects, never finishing them, never planning from beginning to end and making it happen. I’ve lost count of the number of ideas I’ve had that, instead of concepting out even in a basic format and then working to that concept, I’ve just gone ahead and started sculpting, then the high poly was done, and I retopo, I’ll start uvw’ing and go “I’m bored, let’s do something else”.
That needed to stop.
Then in the middle of last year 3 things happened. 3 things that have changed me fundamentally in the way I approach life AND work. And yes I’m fully aware that one of these things is not likely to have affected you if you’re reading this (but it will have affected some, in a very profound way, you know who you are and your support during the event was unfathomable. I’m forever grateful).
So when my girlfriend came to me about our finances. I fought it, I didn’t fight her on it, I told her “sure, I’ll go get a job”. But inside, I fought it. I looked for work maybe one day a week, and told her “it’s not easy finding work”… and sure, it wasn’t easy, because I wasn’t trying. But the more I carried on that charade the more I knew she was right. And so I started trying.
I got a job at Ikea, and I got it within 3 weeks of applying. I remember getting a phonecall from them, and I distinctly remember saying to myself “it’s amazing what you can do when you actually try”.
This had a knock on effect. Being in work motivated me to do MORE work, at home I became different, I was playing with the kids more (I have 3 step-kids from my girlfriend), and doing more art. thing is, i hated that job. i hated waking up every day and going to that shit-hole, to help morons figure out a simple number picking system. but i used that to better myself. i used it to motivate me to get where i want to be. I made a point of doing 2 hours of artwork every night after work.
And I did more art in those 2 hours than I ever did in an entire day when I was unemployed.
I won’t delve too much into the miscarriages, but suffice to say, they sharpened my focus, they made me realise that when you really want something, you work your ass off for it. Because it can be taken away without cause, or provocation. You realise that nothing is certain unless you fix the odds. And in this industry, only you have the power to do that.
And finally, Jon Troy ‘Hazardous’ Nickel.
He doesn’t know about this post. And I want to apologise in advance if this is upsetting to him in any way.
Last year, I sent a message to a few members of the forum, high profile members who have worked as or currently work as lead artists at various studios. I’ve done some freelance before, more than some actually. Most of it was for indie teams, or people with tight pockets and the jobs never paid very well, but I figured “it’s all experience”… but it wasn’t the right kind of experience, I needed studio experience, or studio “like” experience.
So I asked these guys if they would consider mentoring me for a couple of weeks… they give me a concept, direct me on my work, give me feedback and criticism, and treat me the way they would a member of their team. It could have been public or private.
Of these members, only one got back to me at all, and that was Hazardous. He told me he didn’t want to do it at first… that he had never mentored before and that he didn’t think he was good enough. Yes, Hazardous thought he wasn’t good enough.
After a little back and forth, he told me he had some free time coming up in a couple of months if I could wait that long, and that was fine. I waited, and got another message saying he had lost that free time, and it wouldn’t be until after Christmas. I was thrilled he was even still interested so I said that’s fine.
Then after Christmas we got back in contact and he told me the idea had evolved, and that he wanted to make it a group course. And that’s how the ‘create a girl’ course came to exist. I had no idea the scope of it or what he had planned, but it sounded awesome. I was excited for him, and I wanted to help him make the course great! I wanted him to succeed in this new venture.
So that’s where I was, and what happened to make me change. Here’s where I am now.
The reason for this post is double barreled. Firstly I hope some people take bits away from it and think to themselves “yeah I was kinda like that, I should change!” and secondly, I’m getting a lot of feedback from people about how I’ve “dropped off the radar” for them… I hope this clears a lot of that up.
I’m in a place right now where I try not to procrastinate. And more importantly, I try to segregate myself from places or people that aid in procrastination.
I’m not saying be antisocial, I’m not saying ignore your friends. Invite them for a beer once a week, meet up the old fashioned way, but delete social networking apps from your phone, and don’t visit the sites on your computer. YOU WILL BENEFIT FROM IT.
Google hangouts… man I started those hangout sessions with the best of intentions. But I’ve stopped using them so much. Some of the people that join them talk a lot and don’t show their work. Sorry guys but the whole point of the hangouts (for me, at least) was to be a learning tool for all to benefit. I raised awareness of them so we could all get together, and be inspired by each other. Not so we could devolve into mindless dribble. That already happened to the “polycount university” skype group, I didn’t want to be a part of that.
I’ve deleted a whole bunch of people off my skype list. I think there was a guy on CG chat who said that “you are the average of all of your contacts”. I took that to mean that if the people I regularly talked to, were jokers and asshats. Then I was an ass joker.
So I filled my contacts list with people I aspired to be like, and thankfully none of them have shunned me to harshly just yet. But you know what? The ones that shunned me have every right to. Because to them, I’m an ass joker. So my ultimate goal is to make those guys say “hey, you know what? I want to talk to Gir, because he’s an awesome artist”. That’s going to be hard work, but I’ll get there.
So to sum up… if you’re the way I used to be. And you told everyone you wanted to be the next slipgate, you wanted to head up your own studio one day, you wanted to be the name that’s first out of everyone’s mouths when someone says “name a badass artist”, but all you did was think about the next party, scout youtube for funny videos, and generally procrastinate, then you’re doing it wrong.
You need to find focus, you need to grow up, you need to redirect your energy into something productive… and chances are you’ve been recently wondering why I’ve not shown up on your friends list.
anyway, as of this writing i'm still not employed in a studio. BUT, i do have two huge freelance gigs going, one of which looks to be turning into full time position if i keep working at the rate i am. and all that took was some change of direction, and a bit of focus.
A bit of rambling here, just felt i had to get this out there.
As many of you may have noticed (or not…) I’ve had somewhat of a growth spurt artistically, skilfully… motivationally over the last few months.
I’d like to talk about it with you guys. I’d like to tell you what’s been going on inside my head up until now, up until it changed. And I’d like to tell you guys about the repercussions both good and bad.
I’ll start by saying, this post has been briefed and re-briefed a few times now. I’ve never really found a way of putting all this into words without offending SOMEONE, but now it’s gotten to the point where I’ve just got to live with the fact that I’m not going to make everybody happy.
Some parts of this post people will agree with, even sympathise or empathise with. Other parts will make people angry, make them never want to speak to me again, and that’s cool. I don’t mind.
So… where was i?
Up until the middle of last year I was kinda lost. I knew I wanted a career in the games industry, and I talked the big talk. I made posts that made it seem like I knew what I was talking about and for sure I did help people. But it was all just trying to big myself up, almost making myself believe I was “almost there”… making myself think that hey, I’m a big shot here and people love what I do! I love what I do!
But I wasn’t employed, not just by a games studio, but just completely unemployed. I had made the decision that I would either work in the industry or I wouldn’t work at all, I would bust my ass trying to get in and that was all there was to it. But it wasn’t working.
I was procrastinating. Pretty much all day every day, I would noodle around make the odd tid-bits of art here or there, some of it good some of it not so good. But none of it focused, and none of it ever got finished. I’d become a master of the middle-ground, always starting projects, never finishing them, never planning from beginning to end and making it happen. I’ve lost count of the number of ideas I’ve had that, instead of concepting out even in a basic format and then working to that concept, I’ve just gone ahead and started sculpting, then the high poly was done, and I retopo, I’ll start uvw’ing and go “I’m bored, let’s do something else”.
That needed to stop.
Then in the middle of last year 3 things happened. 3 things that have changed me fundamentally in the way I approach life AND work. And yes I’m fully aware that one of these things is not likely to have affected you if you’re reading this (but it will have affected some, in a very profound way, you know who you are and your support during the event was unfathomable. I’m forever grateful).
- 1. My girlfriend, very honestly and openly, told me she couldn’t support me anymore in what I was doing. I always knew we weren’t financially comfortable but we managed to budget for things so I fooled myself into thinking it was okay. But it wasn’t. She told me how she wanted a break, to be able to relax, to not worry about affording food or clothes next month. She wanted security.
- 2. My girlfriend became pregnant, it shocked us both, neither of us really thought we wanted it… and we lost it, and my god did it change us. So much so we tried again, and lost it again… we went through two miscarriages last year. And now finally we have the baby we didn’t think we wanted, but actually… we really did.
- 3. I asked for help. I reached out to a couple of high profile members of this community, I asked for guidance, I asked for something I had no right to ask for, and ONE got back to me. Just one…
So when my girlfriend came to me about our finances. I fought it, I didn’t fight her on it, I told her “sure, I’ll go get a job”. But inside, I fought it. I looked for work maybe one day a week, and told her “it’s not easy finding work”… and sure, it wasn’t easy, because I wasn’t trying. But the more I carried on that charade the more I knew she was right. And so I started trying.
I got a job at Ikea, and I got it within 3 weeks of applying. I remember getting a phonecall from them, and I distinctly remember saying to myself “it’s amazing what you can do when you actually try”.
This had a knock on effect. Being in work motivated me to do MORE work, at home I became different, I was playing with the kids more (I have 3 step-kids from my girlfriend), and doing more art. thing is, i hated that job. i hated waking up every day and going to that shit-hole, to help morons figure out a simple number picking system. but i used that to better myself. i used it to motivate me to get where i want to be. I made a point of doing 2 hours of artwork every night after work.
And I did more art in those 2 hours than I ever did in an entire day when I was unemployed.
I won’t delve too much into the miscarriages, but suffice to say, they sharpened my focus, they made me realise that when you really want something, you work your ass off for it. Because it can be taken away without cause, or provocation. You realise that nothing is certain unless you fix the odds. And in this industry, only you have the power to do that.
And finally, Jon Troy ‘Hazardous’ Nickel.
He doesn’t know about this post. And I want to apologise in advance if this is upsetting to him in any way.
Last year, I sent a message to a few members of the forum, high profile members who have worked as or currently work as lead artists at various studios. I’ve done some freelance before, more than some actually. Most of it was for indie teams, or people with tight pockets and the jobs never paid very well, but I figured “it’s all experience”… but it wasn’t the right kind of experience, I needed studio experience, or studio “like” experience.
So I asked these guys if they would consider mentoring me for a couple of weeks… they give me a concept, direct me on my work, give me feedback and criticism, and treat me the way they would a member of their team. It could have been public or private.
Of these members, only one got back to me at all, and that was Hazardous. He told me he didn’t want to do it at first… that he had never mentored before and that he didn’t think he was good enough. Yes, Hazardous thought he wasn’t good enough.
After a little back and forth, he told me he had some free time coming up in a couple of months if I could wait that long, and that was fine. I waited, and got another message saying he had lost that free time, and it wouldn’t be until after Christmas. I was thrilled he was even still interested so I said that’s fine.
Then after Christmas we got back in contact and he told me the idea had evolved, and that he wanted to make it a group course. And that’s how the ‘create a girl’ course came to exist. I had no idea the scope of it or what he had planned, but it sounded awesome. I was excited for him, and I wanted to help him make the course great! I wanted him to succeed in this new venture.
So that’s where I was, and what happened to make me change. Here’s where I am now.
The reason for this post is double barreled. Firstly I hope some people take bits away from it and think to themselves “yeah I was kinda like that, I should change!” and secondly, I’m getting a lot of feedback from people about how I’ve “dropped off the radar” for them… I hope this clears a lot of that up.
I’m in a place right now where I try not to procrastinate. And more importantly, I try to segregate myself from places or people that aid in procrastination.
- · I don’t use facebook.
- · I rarely use twitter.
- · I DO use google hangouts, but I have reservations. I’ll get to that in a second.
- · My skype friends list is about 10 people long, I don’t even have family members on there, because they want to talk about irrelevant shit that doesn’t help me reach my goal.
I’m not saying be antisocial, I’m not saying ignore your friends. Invite them for a beer once a week, meet up the old fashioned way, but delete social networking apps from your phone, and don’t visit the sites on your computer. YOU WILL BENEFIT FROM IT.
Google hangouts… man I started those hangout sessions with the best of intentions. But I’ve stopped using them so much. Some of the people that join them talk a lot and don’t show their work. Sorry guys but the whole point of the hangouts (for me, at least) was to be a learning tool for all to benefit. I raised awareness of them so we could all get together, and be inspired by each other. Not so we could devolve into mindless dribble. That already happened to the “polycount university” skype group, I didn’t want to be a part of that.
I’ve deleted a whole bunch of people off my skype list. I think there was a guy on CG chat who said that “you are the average of all of your contacts”. I took that to mean that if the people I regularly talked to, were jokers and asshats. Then I was an ass joker.
So I filled my contacts list with people I aspired to be like, and thankfully none of them have shunned me to harshly just yet. But you know what? The ones that shunned me have every right to. Because to them, I’m an ass joker. So my ultimate goal is to make those guys say “hey, you know what? I want to talk to Gir, because he’s an awesome artist”. That’s going to be hard work, but I’ll get there.
So to sum up… if you’re the way I used to be. And you told everyone you wanted to be the next slipgate, you wanted to head up your own studio one day, you wanted to be the name that’s first out of everyone’s mouths when someone says “name a badass artist”, but all you did was think about the next party, scout youtube for funny videos, and generally procrastinate, then you’re doing it wrong.
You need to find focus, you need to grow up, you need to redirect your energy into something productive… and chances are you’ve been recently wondering why I’ve not shown up on your friends list.
anyway, as of this writing i'm still not employed in a studio. BUT, i do have two huge freelance gigs going, one of which looks to be turning into full time position if i keep working at the rate i am. and all that took was some change of direction, and a bit of focus.
Replies
In all seriousness, thanks for the interesting read and inspiring words. Now post some art and get a job ya hippy.
I don't have a job on Game industry too, but I hope to get one some day. By now I continue studying and getting better. I wish everybody here can reach your goals.
Thanks for exposing your story. It's really inpirational. Like your works
BTW your porfolio is getting slammed, I cant load any of your stuff.
In the past I've also been motivated by similar things. Mostly having a terrible job for entirely too long.
Right now I just really want to improve as I feel I haven't lately and a lot of artists who I used to feel on the same level as have surpassed me. I want to be the kind of artist people notice and feature, not just someone who falls under the radar. Contrary to you though, I think I need to do more community networking as I've posted on PC for a long time but never really reached out to or conversed with anyone outside of the boards.
Also thanks for that link cptSwing! I have been looking for something exactly like that. I lost my job a couple weeks ago and have spent way too much time randomly browsing.
I myself have been in that position where you just get a wake up call, saying you gotta put up or shut up, since then my art has increased several fold, and can only grow. My workflow isn't yet perfect, and I don't know all the hax and trix to get around specific programs, but the desire and the passion is there.
So, it's great that you've really gotten things going, I wish you the best on the full time endeavor, mate.
I do agree on the procrastinating bit tho. One of the best things about working in a studio is the fact that everyone can see what you are doing. I do way more work in a day here than i ever did freelancing, and I dont work any harder or more frantically. I just actually work solidly for 8 hours.....
some people mentioned this to me before, but never noticed it myself. i think it could be that all my images are .png, i've just re-uploaded everything as .jpg, would you mind checking again for me man?
its gonna be easy enough for me, im already at 2 hours a day stage:\
I'm glad I'm not the only one that feels that way about the G+ hangouts. I really like them, but they can get as distracting as they can be motivating.
I only have one thing to add man, and that is I *still* don't feel good enough to teach - doubt that will ever go away.
Anyway, glad to have helped out - good luck on the rest of your journey, keep making the personal art and don't ever stop!
I don't even procrastinate by doing things I'd prefer, I've literally been sleeping all the time and just thinking to myself and feeling hopeless, and you know what, seeing someone who's gone through something similar and has found a way out is helping me out I think. So thanks for this post, and best of luck in your own pursuits.
There's one thing to remember for certain - everybody can achieve their goals! Dreams do come true for those who want them badly enough.
I'm at a dry spell myself...not doing much between art tests the last month or so...and i've picked up this nasty sleeping habit that has got to stop.
(and i spend more time right here than any and all other social sites combined...damn you general forums)
this pic was found next to my unconscious body, i had a fat lip...
I also start but never finish many projects, I mean if you take a look at my previous posts you can see it for yourself.
However I just really wanted to say congratulations on the baby. I dont personally know what a miscarrage feels like, however I do know my mum had one, and even though at the time I was very young I didnt know what was going on, I know its a horrible thing to happen.
So yeah congratulations with the little kiddy. Does look like she wants to punch you in the face, but thats cute right?!? haha.
This is me right now.
I spent 3 weeks on holiday just taking a break from everything and living the relaxed life (which was fantastic), telling myself that when i come back home i'll start pumping out art again. Well after getting back, spending a week with my PC in bits while i upgraded and another week just doing exactly what you said, random high polys and half hearted shit i really need to pull myself together now.
It's really hard to realize what are distractions in life. But I see the similarities of how life events can pull you in different directions, and whatever you're using to distract yourself, be it socializing, or gaming, or drinking or whatever.. it all kind of breaks down when you're faced with some bigger life issues.
Self resolution to get your shit done is something hard to earn... but it sure is a life changer.
part of the problem with half finishing pieces, or rather... never finishing a piece and having a folder full of unfinished shit. is that really you're making things you aren't passionate about!
you need to do two things.
1. find out what you're passionate about... what kind of art makes you click? is it men? women? guns? epic environments? crates? penis tanks? whatever it is, really think about it and figure out what it is.
2. only start a piece of work if you've finished the previous one. <--- golden rule. if you haven't finished what you're currently working on, don't move on to anything else. even if you have to slug through it. just get it done. BUT if you are having to slug through it, go back to number 1. because if you're passionate about it, you'll never have to slug through it.
Hello polycount members, I am Cecil. Hope to be showing my work to everyone from now on.
Thanks Gir.
my gues is; having a girlfriend that kicks your ass is kinda motivating too.
Quoted for Truth.
Just what I needed today. One question. How long have you been unemployed for?
i've now applied for positions at 14 different studios in the UK, and either been ignored by them, or told i don't match their exceptionally high standards (some of those emails are a bitter pill, when you look at their games).
but you just gotta keep on trucking!
ps: I still hate you for being a prick on the JK3 Modding community!
/joke :P
Being unemployed is a test... and i think i have learned to look at all problems that arise (even if they are the worse kind) as opportunities. As a challenge to overcome it and learn something from them.
But never give up your dreams. Just keep trying and be dedicated to your passions. Family is the most important part of your life... and to support that family it is nice if you are part of a community and workplace that supports that as well. I am lucky to find myself in a place where i am not worried about my position, i know its stable, community driven and i do all kinds of work that i love. Getting out at a good time to see my wife and spend time with her and not in crunch. (I do get in around 6.30 in the mornings tho, and leave around 5.30, sometimes 5 in regular days when there is no big amounts of work). But the point is there is always a solution.
Which brings me to something that i have been thinking about for the last couple of years. I was part of the leadership conference last year, and also taking part in mentoring high school and middle school kids into art, digital art, and just kinda like a big brother. With that in mind i have been wondering what is it that i can do to inspire kids. To motivate them into being awesome. Because everyone has that chance... its all in the mindset. But people tend to bring themselves down. So how do you go about that? Speeches? Sure... those work for a while... Letters? sure... i talk to them a lot, i spend time with them, and also my co workers. By showing myself that hard work is key? Again... all of this is very important... but i think this comes from your family. Teaching your kids to be curious is to answer their questions. To ask them questions that challenge their minds.
I try to do that at work... and its not easy sometimes. I have given talks that have very good reception and people get motivated to start on a new project, or learning new software... but how do you keep it going?
I still have not found an answer to that. But i think that education and curiosity are both in the same boat. You lead that boat with dedication and perseverance and you'll reach amazing places, and you'll feel fulfilled.
I'll write a thread on this maybe next week, since i think it would be an important and interesting thread to discuss.
But for now, thanks for sharing your experience, and that you bring solutions to yourself. I have found some good friends in polycount. People i talk to everyday... and its a great community that we all build, even when we don't know each other personally. AND that to me... its something to be praised.
There is no secret to becoming good at things, all it is is determination! Its quite funny to compare my first figure drawing for example, to my most recent one. With practice I've taught myself how to draw a proper human figure. Art is just a language in which you develop over time. You need to practice it every day and keep sharp to get better.
I like this: "2. only start a piece of work if you've finished the previous one. <--- golden rule. if you haven't finished what you're currently working on, don't move on to anything else. even if you have to slug through it. just get it done. BUT if you are having to slug through it, go back to number 1. because if you're passionate about it, you'll never have to slug through it."
^Although it only really applies if you're working on a single thing, not the case for me, I need to juggle portfolio + assets for an indie game.
@Snackuum I used to like playing games, but I've quit them because making them is far more fun. You don't gain anything from playing, other than maybe expanding your visual library... that's the only reason I play them nowadays!
1. short term contracted stuff (ie. developer wants something yesterday, so i have 24 hours to make it or the world explodes). these can come up at literally a moments notice.
2. medium term contract work, and Cape Chronicles . medium term stuff is things that the developer wants done in 1, maybe 2 weeks time. so i just have to budget my time between these two things accordingly.
3. personal work. i've got two priorities here... firstly following the golden rule, i've got a girl i started that i need to finish, for the noob learning challenge. but i also have a griffon and a dragon which i started BEFORE i made this rule for myself, who i have to now grandfather into it and make sure they get done.
that said, the golden rule still works for those three things. and actually, the majority of devs who i work with, now tend to give me work which falls into "shit i love to make" catagory. sure i get other stuff too. but it seems much like something Hazardous wrote recently... i've been taking care of my art, and now it seems to be taking care of me.
Social media, in my opinion, is a necesity in this industry. I realize that it may be a huge black hole of time in some cases, but it keeps you connectted to the many links that can be potential work. So I guess as long as its strickly professional and in moderation.
hm, to each his own I suppose. when I slow down or get stuck on a project I move to another, so I have around 2-4 going on, rotating, at the same time. it keeps me fresh I generate ideas in the meantime's i never have artist block and I feel each piece benefits from it.