is there some way i can add a modifier (like bend) to an object that is instanced, without making it unique but also without adding the modifier to all the instanced objects.. when i try to add it, it gets added to all instanced objects :( using 3ds max
Yep, make it a reference, (in the command panel, rightclick on the object, make reference). What's under it is still instanced, what's on top is unique.