cover letter critique
this is the guide on the application
"outline your motivation for an internship at Rare and any work experience you may have. Please also state where you heard about our internships."
my cover letter
Dear Hiring Manager,
I am writing to express my interest for the Rare Internship which I discovered via your website.
I believe I would be a good fit for this position as I am a highly motivated and passionate 3d artist. My education has trained me in a range of skills, I am a natural team player who gives space to others and who goes out of his way to help work colleagues at every opportunity. I am constantly trying to improve my skill and am eager to learn new software tools and technologies
I would love to have a chance to build on my knowledge whilst working with the talented artists at Rare. I also value the way your games such as the innovative Sea of Thieves are created with the players experience and personal adventures are the focus, being able to contribute to experiences such as this would be fantastic
I am excited to work for a company like yours where gamers and passion are at the heart of its success. I look forward for the chance to prove myself to you and the position of an intern, thank you for your time
Yours sincerely,
Replies
The expression of your talents and features are a good start, but can you show them examples of where those came from? Are there games you've worked on already with smaller teams? Any previous team work experience?
ok changed things some more still working on making it readable and make more sense
Dear Hiring Manager,
I am writing to express my interest for the Rare Internship which I discovered via your website
I believe I would be a good fit for this position as I am a highly motivated and passionate 3d artist. My education has trained me in a range of skills, I am a natural team player who gives space to others and who goes out of his way to help work colleagues at every opportunity, I have worked in a small team multiple times during uni group projects where I was in charge of 3d art and setting/organising deadlines. I am constantly trying to improve my skill and am eager to learn new software tools and technologies
I would love to have a chance to build on my knowledge whilst working with the talented artists at Rare. I have always valued the way Rare games are made, games like Banjo-Kazooie and Donkey Kong are great fun for all ages which ensures no one is left out of the experience, and Goldeneye 007 being one of the first games i played, i thank that game for starting my focus and dedication to the games industry. More recently I love the way your games innovative such, as Sea of Thieves and the fact are created with the players experience and personal adventures as the focus, having the opportunity to be able to contribute to experiences such as this would be fantastic
I am excited to work for a company like yours where gamers and passion are at the heart of its success. I look forward for the chance to prove myself to you and the position of an intern, thank you for your time
Yours sincerely,
Do it because it's helpful, and highly unlikely to be harmful.
Also, you're an artist. They want art.
The expressions of "I want to work for your company, etc." seems pretty standard from eeveryone else.
Dear Hiring Manager,
I am writing to express interest in your Internship program.
I am a highly motivated and passionate 3d artist, with education focusing on ______ skills. Throughout my studies, I've had the opportunity to develop myself as team player. Over the course of multiple university projects I was in charge of overall art direction and managing the team to meet our deadlines. In addition to this leadership experience, I strive daily to improve my technical and artistic skills, never turning down an opportunity to pick up a new software or workflow. Please review my art at : ________.
I appreciate the values Rare brings to the gaming world. Games like Banjo-Kazooie and Donkey Kong are great fun for all ages. Anybody can dive into these games and have a good time. And, of course Goldeneye 007, being one of the first games i played, will always be one of my most memorable gaming experiences. I attribute that game with setting me on the path to 3d game art.
Recently I've enjoyed some of Rare's newest innovation. Sea of Thieves is a game all about creating unique player experiences and adventures, and this is just the sort of thing gaming is all about for me.
The opportunity to work alongside the talented artist at Rare would benefit my growth as an artist immensely. I am excited to work for Rare, where gamers and passion for the gameplay experience are at the heart of its continued success. Although I'm still quite green in the 3d world, I've worked hard and know that I'm ready to jump in with your talented professionals.
____________________________________________________________
You got to write in your own voice of course, but notice the shift of tone by removing phrases like "I think" and prioritizing economy of words. Also, everybody is going to say, "im highly motivated, blah blah blah." So trim filler content like that down, and try to give real world examples that demonstrate you are these things. A guy walks into the room and says, "I'm an honest person!" Shall I just take their word for it? But he tells a brief story about a time he made a tough decision that benefited the team he worked for,, now I can make a solid judgement about his character.
If you take a day or two to search the web for basic writing tips -- just like you would to pick up a new workflow -- it will help you a lot. Being able to express yourself exactly how you want with writing is an invaluable skill.
Remember, you are not a tiny peon groveling for a meal -- you are a skilled worker who really believes you can bring a lot to table. You've done your homework, and this is the team of experts you want to part of. You can be strong and confident without butting heads or stepping on toes -- and you should be. You've no doubt have a lot of experience and skill so you know what kind of work you can accomplish.