School is sucking the life out of me
polycounter lvl 7
My school and job is sucking the life out of me. I'm 23 and in the same situation I was 5 years ago. If you are press for time, feel free to skip the auto-biography to the dashes below.
It's not specifically the classes, and not specifically the job (which is at school). The entire situation is sucking the life out of me. I dont even know why I am here.
In the Spring of 2005, I enrolled at the University of Arkansas at Little Rock (UALR). It is a large 4-year commuter college in the heart of Arkansas. At the time, I was 18 and modeling in Anim8or and trying to texture in Paint Shop Pro(!). I had made a few simple creatures and dabbled a little with a demo of 3D World Studio A4. I was also making small Unreal Tournament and Half Life levels. Back then I wasnt sure what I wanted to do and figured even a career programming would make me happy.
My mother was always proud of my knowledge of computers, and I did a lot of repairs for family members and friends. Everyone in the family said that I was going somewhere... mom even suggested a few times that I could become rich if I set my mind to it. It was a nice idea - especially for a kid with no ideas. At the time, I was just doing what interested me as a hobby. Mapping in Unreal Editor 2, modeling in Anim8or 0.85, drawing crazy things with my itty bitty Wacom Graphire..
And so, I enrolled at UALR.
Up to that point I had brief stints working at Dennys, Burger King and a video warehouse - and believed that in order to move beyond these dead end jobs, one would need to go to college. I enrolled thinking Id become a programmer. Any kind of programming job would do, so I majored in Computer Science. Clearly I had no idea what lay ahead.
After taking my core courses, I began some of my programming intro courses. Programming I was easy enough. I learned how to make simple procedural programs in C++. It wasnt that hard for me, especially since I already had experience with BASIC. The logic and organization were the same, the only difference up to that point was the syntax.
I hit my first wall with Programming II. Object oriented programming was something totally different from what I was used to. It just wasnt clicking for me, and I simply did not understand what to do. Part of this was due to the fact that while I was in school, I was becoming increasingly distracted by 3D modeling.
I even got a job at a CAVE lab here on campus called the Virtual Reality Center (VRC). If you dont know what a CAVE is, a short definition is that its a modern StarTrek holodeck. There arent very many CAVEs, and at the time I thought it would be great to put my budding skills to use and earn money. Unfortunately, I didn't balance school demands with the whole 3D thing very well.
So... I changed my major to Studio Art. It is during my art classes (which were practically the same as the classes I took as a High School Junior and Senior), I began to feel this frustration and ask myself, "Why am I here." The character in my avatar, "Toki" was made at about this time. I felt like I was onto something and that I finally knew what I wanted to do. Unfortunately, the school could not possibly cater to this interest and if I wanted a degree, I had to keep myself buckled down and do meaningless class after meaningless class.
Having said that, programming was my first real hobby, so even though I had become increasingly interested and good at 3D modeling, I was still really bothered about my failure to understand object oriented programming. As a result of that - and the fact that in my view a Studio Art degree is useless - I changed my major once again and entered Information Science.
In the Information Science department, I enthusiastically took the Java programming course for two reasons. I wanted to conquer the problem I had with objects, and that class was being taught by an old graduate student friend.
I excelled in that class, ending it with a neat project that takes 3D objects inside a VRML file and duplicates them randomly on a grid to create a city. In order to do that, I had to learn how to make a dynamic array of objects (which were themselves an array consisting of the lines in each VRML object declaration). Of the students who chose to do class projects instead of final exams - my project was the most interesting. I got an A and conquered my problem with objects.
However, while I took that class, I also had some others that were part of the Information Science curriculum. I had five in all, and dropped two of them. Discrete Math (which I hated but took to avoid Calculus), and Intro to Business (which I loved, put a lot of effort into, but still feared failing thanks to a poor decision I had made earlier) As a result, I ended up on academic probation. So if I wanted to keep my financial aid I would need to pass all of my classes the next semester.
I should point out that in order to work in the wonderful Virtual Reality Center, I needed to stay in school. Thus, in order to buy food and pay bills (I lived on my own at the time in a cheap rent-house), I needed to keep that job.
Knowing that more math was right around the corner and that I was 100% sure that I didnt want to work in IT anyway, I changed majors and entered Studio Art once again, this time with a focus on Graphic Design. Why? Because of all the BA degrees, Graphic Design is the closest to what I'm interested in. It's just in 2D rather than 3D - Illustrator and splines instead of 3DSMax and polygons.
Ive completed a semester under this major already, and I have quite a few more to go. All classes considered I have two years worth left before I can graduate. I have taken care of my liberal arts requirements and it is as if I graduated from a 2 year community college - except without the graduating part.
I have also wasted a lot of time and money taking classes that simply dont apply to the current major... Thus, I have spent 4 years here and can only account for half of that time (the missing year was obliterated by a financial aid problem, which I will spare you the agony of reading about, and myself the agony of writing about).
---
Ive spent a lot of time this summer wondering about just what it is Im doing. Last summer I went to driving school and got my license. I also bought a car. I didnt need to go to UALR to do those things, and yet that had the largest impact on my adult life so far. I had a wreck earlier this year, losing the car (get it? impact?! ha!) - but I hope to buy another soon.
I could have bought another by now too. But what am I doing? Since then I moved in with my mother and I still work at the VRC. I cant save because everything goes to bills and food. When I do manage to save - something bad happens and Im forced to spend it. I earn $600 a month at the Virtual Reality Center, and I can only work for 15 hours a week.
Never-mind why Im in school.... why do I want this job? Why havent I looked for another? Why am I simply waiting for another loan to solve my problems?
Im tired of sitting on my butt, waiting for things to happen. A Graphic Design degree is useless to me since Im not interested in Graphic Design. Instead of going through these classes and living off this crappy wage I should be working at Walmart and honing my 3d modeling skills on my own like I want to do anyway. Sure its not what the family expects, but its what I want.
Im tired of the VRC. Im tired of UALR. Im going nowhere fast, and I wont wait another two years before I can focus on starting my real career.
I want to drop out of college. So tell me Polycount, should I? Am I making some grave mistake here? As always, please be brutal. I'm sure there is a lot of room here for criticism, especially about the fact that I could have gotten a second job during this summer, or the fact that Polycount is not a blog.
It's not specifically the classes, and not specifically the job (which is at school). The entire situation is sucking the life out of me. I dont even know why I am here.
In the Spring of 2005, I enrolled at the University of Arkansas at Little Rock (UALR). It is a large 4-year commuter college in the heart of Arkansas. At the time, I was 18 and modeling in Anim8or and trying to texture in Paint Shop Pro(!). I had made a few simple creatures and dabbled a little with a demo of 3D World Studio A4. I was also making small Unreal Tournament and Half Life levels. Back then I wasnt sure what I wanted to do and figured even a career programming would make me happy.
My mother was always proud of my knowledge of computers, and I did a lot of repairs for family members and friends. Everyone in the family said that I was going somewhere... mom even suggested a few times that I could become rich if I set my mind to it. It was a nice idea - especially for a kid with no ideas. At the time, I was just doing what interested me as a hobby. Mapping in Unreal Editor 2, modeling in Anim8or 0.85, drawing crazy things with my itty bitty Wacom Graphire..
And so, I enrolled at UALR.
Up to that point I had brief stints working at Dennys, Burger King and a video warehouse - and believed that in order to move beyond these dead end jobs, one would need to go to college. I enrolled thinking Id become a programmer. Any kind of programming job would do, so I majored in Computer Science. Clearly I had no idea what lay ahead.
After taking my core courses, I began some of my programming intro courses. Programming I was easy enough. I learned how to make simple procedural programs in C++. It wasnt that hard for me, especially since I already had experience with BASIC. The logic and organization were the same, the only difference up to that point was the syntax.
I hit my first wall with Programming II. Object oriented programming was something totally different from what I was used to. It just wasnt clicking for me, and I simply did not understand what to do. Part of this was due to the fact that while I was in school, I was becoming increasingly distracted by 3D modeling.
I even got a job at a CAVE lab here on campus called the Virtual Reality Center (VRC). If you dont know what a CAVE is, a short definition is that its a modern StarTrek holodeck. There arent very many CAVEs, and at the time I thought it would be great to put my budding skills to use and earn money. Unfortunately, I didn't balance school demands with the whole 3D thing very well.
So... I changed my major to Studio Art. It is during my art classes (which were practically the same as the classes I took as a High School Junior and Senior), I began to feel this frustration and ask myself, "Why am I here." The character in my avatar, "Toki" was made at about this time. I felt like I was onto something and that I finally knew what I wanted to do. Unfortunately, the school could not possibly cater to this interest and if I wanted a degree, I had to keep myself buckled down and do meaningless class after meaningless class.
Having said that, programming was my first real hobby, so even though I had become increasingly interested and good at 3D modeling, I was still really bothered about my failure to understand object oriented programming. As a result of that - and the fact that in my view a Studio Art degree is useless - I changed my major once again and entered Information Science.
In the Information Science department, I enthusiastically took the Java programming course for two reasons. I wanted to conquer the problem I had with objects, and that class was being taught by an old graduate student friend.
I excelled in that class, ending it with a neat project that takes 3D objects inside a VRML file and duplicates them randomly on a grid to create a city. In order to do that, I had to learn how to make a dynamic array of objects (which were themselves an array consisting of the lines in each VRML object declaration). Of the students who chose to do class projects instead of final exams - my project was the most interesting. I got an A and conquered my problem with objects.
However, while I took that class, I also had some others that were part of the Information Science curriculum. I had five in all, and dropped two of them. Discrete Math (which I hated but took to avoid Calculus), and Intro to Business (which I loved, put a lot of effort into, but still feared failing thanks to a poor decision I had made earlier) As a result, I ended up on academic probation. So if I wanted to keep my financial aid I would need to pass all of my classes the next semester.
I should point out that in order to work in the wonderful Virtual Reality Center, I needed to stay in school. Thus, in order to buy food and pay bills (I lived on my own at the time in a cheap rent-house), I needed to keep that job.
Knowing that more math was right around the corner and that I was 100% sure that I didnt want to work in IT anyway, I changed majors and entered Studio Art once again, this time with a focus on Graphic Design. Why? Because of all the BA degrees, Graphic Design is the closest to what I'm interested in. It's just in 2D rather than 3D - Illustrator and splines instead of 3DSMax and polygons.
Ive completed a semester under this major already, and I have quite a few more to go. All classes considered I have two years worth left before I can graduate. I have taken care of my liberal arts requirements and it is as if I graduated from a 2 year community college - except without the graduating part.
I have also wasted a lot of time and money taking classes that simply dont apply to the current major... Thus, I have spent 4 years here and can only account for half of that time (the missing year was obliterated by a financial aid problem, which I will spare you the agony of reading about, and myself the agony of writing about).
---
Ive spent a lot of time this summer wondering about just what it is Im doing. Last summer I went to driving school and got my license. I also bought a car. I didnt need to go to UALR to do those things, and yet that had the largest impact on my adult life so far. I had a wreck earlier this year, losing the car (get it? impact?! ha!) - but I hope to buy another soon.
I could have bought another by now too. But what am I doing? Since then I moved in with my mother and I still work at the VRC. I cant save because everything goes to bills and food. When I do manage to save - something bad happens and Im forced to spend it. I earn $600 a month at the Virtual Reality Center, and I can only work for 15 hours a week.
Never-mind why Im in school.... why do I want this job? Why havent I looked for another? Why am I simply waiting for another loan to solve my problems?
Im tired of sitting on my butt, waiting for things to happen. A Graphic Design degree is useless to me since Im not interested in Graphic Design. Instead of going through these classes and living off this crappy wage I should be working at Walmart and honing my 3d modeling skills on my own like I want to do anyway. Sure its not what the family expects, but its what I want.
Im tired of the VRC. Im tired of UALR. Im going nowhere fast, and I wont wait another two years before I can focus on starting my real career.
I want to drop out of college. So tell me Polycount, should I? Am I making some grave mistake here? As always, please be brutal. I'm sure there is a lot of room here for criticism, especially about the fact that I could have gotten a second job during this summer, or the fact that Polycount is not a blog.
Replies
Of course self teaching isn't for everyone, and it takes lots of focus and dedication.
It also helps if you live near some video game studios so you can at least apply for internships before going for a real game art job.
Do you have a portfolio?
Yes. I also have a reel.
My portfolio is visible here - http://arkavision.com, a lot of unfinished work isn't in the side gallery but in the 3DArt sub section of the blog
The reel is visible here. It was made to impress Cal Arts admissions before I realized there was no way I could afford to attend Cal Arts =P
[ame]
My skills are modeling in Blender, Max, and pretty much any program I'm presented with, as well as texturing in 3DCoat and Photoshop. I even made a very simple Max script a while back that forces a quick tweak mode (for R9) available under programs here:
http://arkavision.com/?page_id=206
I've also done paid work for someone, much to his satisfaction despite the fact that he decided to put his production on hold.
I love teaching myself this stuff. I love learning 3d programs, I love learning 3D and 2D art techniques. I love learning new scripting languages (Unity is something I'm playing with currently) I learn on my own all the time - to the detriment of my actual class work.
The only reason I remain in school is for this super-easy job and up till now - the fear of living without a degree (I mean, hey, if I must have it I can come back after all).
Unlike some of you guys though - I live in a place that is far from any industry work. Still, I think with a full time job I could save up enough to relocate. I don't have a girlfriend or kids to worry about and I eat very little, so I don't think it'll be that hard - I just need a real job to do it.
In your case this would be my thought process and action plan:
- What do I want to do for the rest of my life, have a goal
- Ditch anything that makes you have thoughts like you are wasting your time and life. A career in art does not require a degree, but be wary. Do you want to just reach your goal faster, or do you feel that so and so (school, in this case) is getting in the way of reaching your goal?
When you decide on what you want to do in both life and with school, start working. Really hard. 23 is nothing, you have plenty of time. Just need to figure out your next move and make it.
And there's something I want to tell you. There is no wrong or right decision. If you make a decision and then perform poorly afterwards you tend to consider it wrong. Well don't.
You do what you want to do. Make the decision you feel like. And then YOU MAKE IT A RIGHT ONE. Work your ass off all your free time. 10-18 hours a day if you can. And maybe in a year or two you'll be good. With a slick portfolio under your belt heading for some nice well paid job.
It all depends on you. If you drop out and fail, then it's not because someone advised you wrong, but just because you didn't invest enough of yourself into it yet.
So look inside yourself. If you have the determination to do whatever it takes, then go for it. But if you have doubts in yourself, then I suggest you wait until you're fed up with going nowhere enough to actually believe in yourslef and work as hard as it gets.
I wish the best of luck to you, buddy.
I also have a lot to learn/improve on the game art side of things. I don't want to let it stay as a hobby though. I can sit and model for hours and really enjoy it.
My income is mainly from my family. Thankfully they are very supportive. I worked as a live model for some time and I earned some money from medical animation too. Luckily, I'm not under a huge amount of debt but I have to get some sort of a degree in order to make my military service for 5 months instead of 15 months. Military service wouldn't be a problem if I got a job abroad anywhere though.
I agree d1ver. Decisions are what you make out of them. I wish the best of luck for you
You should just pick one thing and run with it. If you're interested in some light programming, but still want to work with art then maybe you should look into becoming a technical artist. Perhaps specialize in shaders, rigging, or effects. Your prior programming experience should help you pick up MEL/Max script. Check out: http://tech-artists.org/
My Classmate got hired by EA as one, and been there for 3+ years, dodging the Layoffs they had a year ago?.
I'm seeing alot of people in this age group re-assesing themselves. I guess try to lay out all the pro's and cons of the path you choose.
Yes.
Life's too short to do something you hate. If you hate the classes, and have no interest in pursuing that career path, then why waste any more time and effort on it? I'm not trying to over-simplify things, but it really is that simple.
Another thing you can't be overly concerned with is family expectations. Regardless of the fact that they may or may not understand a desire to pursue a career in art (especially for videogames, which is notoriously difficult for most people to think of as an actual job), if you're not happy, then ideally they should support your decision to do something with your life that you're passionate about.
It doesn't seem that motivation to learn the craft on your own is a problem, whereas wasting time and energy on something you hate obviously is a problem, and is likely going to hinder you from excelling at anything else.
The notion of a more 'stable' career path in today's economic climate and modern workplace is so hopelessly outdated that the idea of studying something more 'sensible' as a backup plan doesn't make much sense to me. And even if job security in the field you're studying is better, what does it matter if you literally can't stand the idea of going to work because you hate your job so much?
I wasted a lot of years dreading Mondays, and it literally made me ill with stress, and that's no way to live. I say go for it, man.
So lemme get this right...you spent you summer(s) just wondering what to do? Even though you knew that you were highly in to the 3d realm.
I think my situation is same as yours, except I am enforcing myself to get the software engineering degree as well as learn 3d stuff / practice them, and work on the weekend.
If you have wasted enough money to get your masters, and you are not sure what path to follow, since, according to your biography; you have changed your major on several levels. And also regretting that you can not get enough time to even study for 3d stuff than right off the bad you know that you are wasting time and money. And a drop out should be in order. After that you can do the 3d stuff all you want.
I still have 3 options that I have made after creating my thread regarding this:
-Go to college and do self learning of Game programming/Development for 2-3 hours aday, and work on the weekend.
-Take this summer and study 3d stuff as much as I can so I can practice 2 hours aday, while I work on the weekend. (which I am doing right now)
-Drop out completely, create a portfolio for some art institute for 3d animation/ Game development. (which I wouldnt vote for, because of such reviews I read about it on here..Or else I'd be in Game development and entraprenureship at UoiT)
There he made it simple enough for ya. Scroll down and read after the dash.
Only you can answer that. It's probably going to be disappointing for your parents if you do drop out. But you don't have to live with them for the rest of your life, you have to live with you.
Personally if I was a parent putting my kid through college and they came to me saying they where dropping out to pursue other interests as long as they move out of my house and they aren't breaking the law its all fine. I wouldn't mind using the rest of their college fund to do something for me and the misses, in that case the sooner you save me money the better.
The thing with the industry is that there will always be more people wanting to get in than there are vacancies to fill.
SO here read this
1. harden up and make art.
2. Go see a shrink as you are clearly going through some type of emo phase.
3.Where is Dejawolf he's really good with dealing with these types of situations.
Flash forward 10 years... I have the full time job at Bioware, the almost full time job of heading up these online workshops, while making new content, taking care of a 2.5 year old, a 3 month old, and trying to get whatever sleep I can (usually 5 hours if our kids decide to not wake up in the middle of the night)to heal up from my weight lifting I have to do at 6am (only time I have open).
Not a rant on my personal life, I wouldn't change it for anything, but looking back at the time I had in college, I had all the time in the world! College was easy
If you're good enough to land a job doing what you want, then go for it. Otherwise, enjoy college! What's the rush? This is a once in a lifetime experience...
Take a week or two off and go somewhere. Don't think about career crap, don't think you're wasting your time - just relax, have fun and enjoy the moment.
Then decide what you want to do with your life and do as polycount says (harden up and stop whining)
Oh, and keep accomplishing short-term goals or else self-doubt and stress will come back and haunt you in a month
Exactly....Those who have the passion for something, they have to sacrifice alot of luxure in order to settle theirselves with some sort of schedule they would follow until either they finish college, or fully learn stuff they wanted to learn.
I'd say I am in the same boat as you were 10 years ago.
I thought I wanted to get a degree in Architecture back when I had no idea what to do for a living and ended up at Civil Engineering school cause my grades weren't good enough to get into Architecture at the state's public college. Now THAT was sucking the life out of me, I've always been creative and always liked to draw and math after math after math was killing me. I found out there were 3D modeling courses where I lived and decided to drop out.
Then as I finished the 3D course I got into Graphic Design course for the same reason you did, it's the closest I could get to game art around here. It was cool at first, I was finally studying something that involved creativity, but after a few terms I realized that degree would get me nowhere. Teachers were unqualified and some were just flat out stupid. I managed to get myself an internship at a local game studio but the classes were killing me, I had no time to practice 3D because I had to do stupid assignments that weren't really adding to my knowledge.
I'm three years into the course and finished the mandatory classes, which got me enough free time to be hired as a junior artist ar the studio, where I'm learning a LOT more that I ever did at college. I don't think about dropping out now cause I live with my mom so I don't have to pay for any bills or rent, and cause college is free, but I'm taking it very slowly, I have no rush in getting the degree and certainly wouldn't compromise my position at work to prioritize college. If I had a nice job offer somewhere else or maybe even overseas (one can always dream
In your case I think it's all about figuring what you want to do first than organizing your life so you can do the most to achieve your goal. If you can afford to drop out or at least put it on hold and quit your job, meaning living with your parents and not paying any bills, it might be worth to quit everything and dedicate time to teach yourself what you want to do.
Step 1. You obviously dig 3D modeling and characters, stick to it like glue.
Step 2. Get new job, the one you have now comes in conflict with step 3.
Step 3. If you are only going to school to keep your job, and you hate school then quit and devote all your time to step 1.
Step 4. After you have a badass portfolio you apply both in the US as well as outside(tip: studios in Europe are more open to self learned artists)
Step 5. Relax and enjoy life, dont set up walls arround you that dont exist. And to quote you something: People that are good at what they do always find work. Just be the guy that is really good at something.
Edit: Your portfolio might need something more than just animal characters. Go for something human or try diffrent styles. Drop everything else and focus only on one domain. With that said, I think Big Beak turned out really awesome. Consider this a clap on the shoulder.
trancerobot: I honestly can't find any reason for you to stay in school. I know why I did, I enjoyed school and I did it for the degree as well(in case I would want to work in the states but I guess you won't have the same problem).
If I were you then I would look for a job in a small company and do work on my free time as people in the thread already have suggested. I'm guessing that you pay for school too so why not save the cash instead. Good luck!
Little to none of those here.
Wow, I never thought about it that way. I waste a lot of time trying to make the right decision but when things don't work out right away I backtrack, wasting even more time.
Yeah, you're right Haikai.
I've actually done graphic design work for a client, designing a DVD cover, a poster, and a flyer for a local fashion organization. Part of my problem is the realization that graphic designers (at least around here) tend to be freelancers, so what's my degree for if only to claim myself certified at something I'd rather not do?
I also have a little bit of web design experience - enough I could use as a foundation for starting my 'backup' career if I needed to. I know how HTML works with CSS and I know how to validate my code at the W3C website. I also have some experience with Javascript and just a bit of PHP. I know how Wordpress works and I've maintained a website for a few years. It's not enough to make anything of it right away, but enough to know where to start - should I be forced to do something other than 3D modeling.
I'm actually slightly embarrassed by my original post. I probably should have kept most of it private but posted it anyway because it was close enough to what I was going to ask.
Yep, that's my very next project. (I,I,I,me,me,me.... Thanks for your help guys, sorry for being emo =P I know for sure what I need to do now.)