Destructoid's 10 Rules of Videogame Women
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From Destructoid.Ten Golden Rules of videogame women
Jim Sterling
"This is a man's world," James Brown once argued. "But it wouldn't be nothing without a woman on this Earth." Of course, he then proceeded to beat such women to within an inch of their lives, but the old abusive bastard had a point. Women are important, and while this male-dominated games industry overlooks them, the female of the species has its crucial place in the world of interactive entertainment.
Of course, as with most things that we have discussed in this series, any woman who wants to be in a videogame has to obey Ten Golden Rules in order to become a success. Ten concessions must be made if any videogame character hopes to be up there with the great female leaders of our medium.
If you too wish for the fame, fortune, and ultimately respect that comes with being a female in a videogame, then you'll want to read and take note of the Ten Golden Rules of videogame women.
1. Armor is useless against enemies:
While any sane man would go into battle against a horde of demons wearing a full suit of armor and as much skin covered by protective clothing as possible, it's a well-known fact that the flesh of a woman is hard as diamond, and as such, armor will only slow them down. This is the reason why most videogame heroines decide to go into battle wearing little more than a G-string and two eggcups. Anything else would get in the way.
Should you hope to become a famous videogame heroine, you must cast away bullet proof vests and hard helmets. It's a well known scientific fact that if a woman fights a seven-foot-tall werewolf with ten-inch claws and her bare belly isn't exposed and vulnerable, she will die because of reasons. This is proven using science, so you can't argue with us.
2. Look as non-age specific as possible:
As a videogame female, your job is to be as attractive to as many men as possible, and since pedophiles buy videogames too, looking like a ten-year-old boy with huge tits can't hurt. Japanese female game characters are masters of this, their faces carrying an ambiguity that can be attractive to anybody, which allows salarymen to be naughty pederasts without their wives suspecting a thing.
The perfect women will have completely androgynous faces to ensnare both straight and gay men, with the huge dewy eyes and small mouths of creepy, doll-esque children for the pervoids. Finally, a wazzo pair of jugs sprouting from the ribcage like a two balloons full of custard just to make sure nobody feels guilty about cracking one off over the videogame box art. Everyone's a winner.
Oh, and on the subject of breasts ...
3. Tits must not obey the laws of physics:
In order to be accepted by the gamer community, you need to have a pair of norks that would make Charles Darwin's head explode. Apparently, having a pair of breasts that hypnotically sway up and down, like those little plastic birds that pretend to drink water, is sexy. It's not something we understand, but it's the rules, and the only way that thirteen year-olds with no concept of reality (and Itagaki) can find you sexy.
There are operations on the surgical black market which replace the tissue inside your breasts with marmalade and helium. This is how Nina Williams got her job, so we recommend you look into it.
4. Remind everyone not to underestimate you because you're a woman:
Women are strong-willed and indomitable -- that's the message videogame heroines pretend to relay to children. Basically, the best female videogame character will constantly tell people not to judge her on grounds of gender while constantly pointing out that she is, indeed, a woman.
It's what we call the "Spice Girls method," where a woman acts as if she's all about female empowerment and ignores the irony that she was created by a room full of men to appeal to a room full of boys.
5. You must be weak, but agile:
Male characters are strong and slow, female characters are agile but weak. Thus it was written, thus it shall never change. Apparently being "agile" in a videogame is some sort of equal trade-off for not being able to put so much as a dent in a baby's cranium, but it is, unfortunately, the law.
6. High pitched voices are paramount:
This more than likely ties in with appealing to the kiddyfiddler demographic, but the best female characters have to be shrill and unbearable to listen to. The kind of voice that could set off an entire neighborhood of dogs into a whining frenzy.
If possible, try raping a cat with an overhead projecter. As you attempt to insert the projection machinery into the hapless feline's arse, take note of the sound it makes. Now try and emulate that sound. You'll fit in with the most iconic of videogame females in no time!
7. If you're not the heroine, develop an obvious but spiteful love for the hero:
Just because you're a member of the supporting cast doesn't mean you don't have rules to obey! The primary objective for all female supporting cast members in a videogame is that they must fall in love with the hero, but be a right nasty bitch to him at the same time. Don't worry, it's character development, and nobody will think you're being a completely stupid twat who can't get her life sorted out.
It's important that you make the hero think you hate him, but get insanely jealous when he quite rightly takes an interest in a woman who isn't a stuck-up cunt. Yes, just like in Hey Arnold!. By the end of the game, however, your true feelings will be known, and he suddenly won't mind that you're an egregious fuckspanner with schizophrenic tendencies. It's how love works in real life, too.
8. Prepare for Hentai:
If you don't want fifteen year-olds drawing pictures of you with a massive dick between your legs, then you don't want to be a famous female videogame character. It's simple as that.
9. You may only have one of three personality types, and none of them are very likable:
Everybody knows that women don't really have personalities, which is why you must stick to one of the tried and tested archetypes. You can be one of the following characters if you insist on daring to speak in front of men:
* No-nonsense bitch
* Sarcastic bitch
* Condescending bitch
If you're very good, you'll try and roll all three stereotypes into one dissociative character, with no regard to consistency or continuity. If you do deviate from one of these archetypes, don't expect to be very successful, but take solace from the fact that people who love talking about videogames will constantly bring you up as an exception to other female videogame characters and talk about how "truly beautiful" your development was like the pretentious ghouls they are.
10. No fat chicks:
Well ... duh.
I've seen this posted around a couple run-of-the-mill gaming forums and the response was less than impressive (along the lines of "so, basically make them hot? so what!"). I figured people here would have a lot more worthwhile opinions on the subject. What I'm wondering is, is this kind of thing usually dictated by suits? Is it something that just happens because people don't want to break the mold/are too lazy or short on time to do so? Or do devs really find these character archetypes to be the most compelling?
Replies
And while the list is true for many games and genres there are many exceptions, like Moira from Fallout 3. Then again I hated her so much I nuked Megaton to erase her existence, so maybe that's better used in support of this list.
Mind you, the author here seems to have focused more on the stereotypical female lead from japanese games.
... let me make some quick comments:
1 ) if i was in a combat situation of any kind i think i would choose maximum mobility over what ever protection armor can realistically provide. id much rather get shot and killed over get shot and get the bullet slowed down by spreading the power over my entire chest cracking all my rips and having the bullet loose velocity enough not to go all the way through but getting stuck somewhere causing extreme pain for hours on end while i am laying on the battlefield in agony. anything that will help me not get shot at all is highly welcome anything that slows me down needs to go.
that doesn't mean id show my belly button on the battlefield though
2 ) well this goes for real life females as well they all want to look as young as possible ... i just freshly remember that kyle gabler game jam keynote where he had that clip with the talk-show where females paint the insides of their eyelids ... JESUS CHRIST
3 ) funny that they mention darwin here ... i recently read richard dawkins "the blind watch maker" and there is a chapter devoted to the continuous pull on the evolution curve between the "practical for survival" and the "ecstatically optimal".
so i don't think this would make darwins head explode. i for one find this portrayal evolution affirming
4 ) couldn't agree more this is a terrible cliche
5 ) only half way there and already running out of material ey !?
6 ) don't get me started on video game voice acting male or female its ALWAYS TERRIBLE
7 ) couldn't agree more its a terrible cliche. even yahtzee picked up on this in his silent hill review:
http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/284-Silent-Hill-Homecoming
i want mandatory line dancing competitions instead *shakingfist*
8 ) yeah prepare for it alright
9 ) couldn't agree more they are all terrible cliches.
10 ) duh indeed
Leave the nugs alone! What did they ever do to you!?
I'm pretty sure its mandatory now to write at least one editorial on women / girls in video games, it's like artist's and crates... shit just has to happen.
The only people whining are the ones that wouldn't play games anyways. :poly128:
Whether it's the chick from X-blades or the Gears of War guys it gives me an uncomfortable feeling like I'm playing a game designed by 14 year old furries or something :polytwitch:
I may be vastly in the minority on that, though
It seems to me like part of that is how it's presented, with each line delivered separately.
Drives me crazy when a character stops dead in the middle of a sentence or word, to be "interrupted" by another a half-second later.
vidcon char artists are perverts. (x1000 for japanese dev's)
anime. :puke:
gamers. :puke:
Having sat through a talk recently by the guy who wrote the story of the game (and the branching free-forming dialogue) I can tell you both of these 'possibilities' are untrue. She is a princess, being pulled about by a tramp. At the start of the game she is bound to be a little apprehensive. Have you actually finished this game? She does warm to him by the end. (It's what people call character development.)
Fag...
I do find those stereotypical Japanese watermelon-sized boobs pretty creepy and annoying. Who was it that said "Any more than a handful is a waste"?
Stop being gay this is a totally hetrosexual thread! More tits and arse :thumbup: Pretty please with sugar on top.
I would like to agree with blenderhead. That horribly ill concieved cliche is completely excusable when you point out the fact that it's a horrible, contrived, cliched SITUATION.
And come on, the tough, apprehensive woman falls in love with the brooding hero at the end! It's CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT, gosh. It's like none of you know anything about writing or, geeze, REALITY.
Its like this in real life too...
"Hold handrails and exit cautiously upon reaching the landing. Be curtious to riders behind you."
/agree
x2
Brings back memories of my mom seeing some of the games I've played and commenting on the female characters... "I hope you don't make these sexy big-boobed girls when you make games!"
But seriously, fun sexy characters are great, but I can't help but roll my eyes when they're made with ridiculously impossible porportions to please 13-year old boys. But heck, the shit sells!
Let's be fair here. Prince of Persia is based on the Middle Eastern equivelant of a fairytale. It's from the same roots as the 1001 Nights, Aladdin and Sinbad the Sailor. There's -always- a wayward princess and a dashing hero. The only thing missing is an evil grand vezier.
Actually he's a tramp being pulled around by a princess, and yes I have played the game all the way through. Let me tell you, that was the biggest kick-in-the-nuts ending I've ever seen, very much relating to her. At least Diablo's had the tragic hero angle.
The problem is that she had so many dialogue options, and while I viewed most of them, only some were related to character development and not to "this dude did that and Ahriman blah blah pull the lever". And from the ones that were about character development most of them prematurely terminated potentially interesting conversations with "we should get going" or something like that. She started to get interesting at the end, but at that point it was too little too late and nowhere near enough to justify the ending.
Honestly, if the game had given me the choice between the real ending and just taking my donkey and leaving I would have been in Agrabah the next day having chai with Aladdin.
make em small and I'll kick yo ass..
Was gonna say...
This looks more like a like of stereotypical Final Fantasy women, than anything, and it´s not like everyone doesn't know all this already. So the writer must either have a horrible imagination, unable to write something interesting, or just a craving to complain about boobs (which is silly!).
its time they end that whole hollywood joke.
If they do that to a can, what are they going to do to your face when she's on top :poly122:
ROFLMFAO