[WIP] The Wailing Mountains
The Wailing Mountains
Two travelers came to the slope where two mountains met: “Alright Daere, this marks my end of the deal. Climb the fourth mountain and that’s it.” The woman had a bow around her, and daggers just above her knees.
She caught Daere measuring the mountain from top to bottom, still out of breath. “Are you having second thoughts, old timer?” Daere inhaled and exhaled the cold air deeply, slowly. “I mean… I would have had them FAR earlier.” He had a small, wooden stool with him eight inches high from the ground. He went to a corner where the wind wouldn’t hurt him and sat down. She joined him after putting her bow down.
“My son once wanted to do business of his own. He asked for riches to begin. He was to go to Bundle City, invest in and work with this techmaturgy scientist. Seems promising, I thought. I gave a small fortune to him. Three weeks hadn’t gone by when he came back home without a nickel to his name.” He was feeling better. He exhaled one last deep breath. “Turns out he never went to Bundle City and I was dumb to think my son had found his ambitions. Yet here I am, trusting a stranger’s words. Am I being dumb, Rania?”
“I’ve done right by you, Daere. I promise.”
“Just so you know, you may as well slit my throat here, if you’re taking advantage of me and I’m going up there to die alone.”
Rania cracked a smile, “Do you know what you should be concerning yourself with? Even if everything goes according to plan and you make it to the top, you’re not making it back.”
“Let me worry about the way back.”
“Yeah, you keep saying that. In that case-” She handed a spare bottle to Daere. “-there is no reason that would save you the trouble of this climb. Sorry, old timer.”
Rania stood up. “I wish you good fortune. I hope she is worth going to all these lengths.” She was turning back for her journey home.
“Be safe!” he yelled.
Rania stared at him with one eyebrow up. She didn’t seem to find the irony laughable. “You too!” she yelled back.
He decided to eat and take a nap before the climb. He was going to need all his strength.
(…)
It had been one and a half days since he parted ways with Rania. Wailing Mountains were no friend to those who challenged its lofty heights. The worst part was the wind. There was no blood but he was feeling his nose being cut under his scarf. One misstep was all it would take for him to fly over the edge.
(…)
Daere was finally here. He passed through a gate of ice. Atop the highest Wailing Mountain, it was cold as hell. The snow and wind were so strong that Daere couldn’t open his eyes long enough to see beyond his nose. He looked for some kind of shelter. He followed the sides that surrounded the top like a crown and found a huge rock covered by snow. Nonetheless, it wasn’t doing him any favors. Wind was still blowing. Hard.
A screech came from the depths of endless whites. Another screech, longer this time. As he felt the wind getting softer, snow allowed him to see again. He watched a giant icy bird descending from the high clouds. The Cryophoenix of Freljord.
She had a purple crystal on her forehead, accompanied by icy spikes that lean backwards, up her head and down her nape. She had four claws on each leg, wide wings and eyes sharper than the wind.
The visitor on the other hand, was pretty much broken down. Blood-red cheeks and nose. His five layers of clothing were failing to keep him warm, not to mention barely making it here.
She landed softly on the snow.
“You are way astray from the easy lands and rich tables of your kind, stranger.”
“I gave up on my comfort long ago, Anivia.” He became conscience of his language. “Forgive me, if my addressing you by your name offends you.”
“What is your name and business here?” Her voice was light and grand.
“Ekna Daere, at your service. I am merely a curious soul. Nothing more.”
“This is hardly a place to satisfy your curiosity.”
“Tha- that’s what I do, though.” said Daere. His voice and every limb in his body were shaking. The voice telling him to sleep for a moment was stronger now. Anivia threw a look at the sky, screeched again. Watching clouds obeying Anivia’s commands was the greatest thing Daere had ever seen, although the setting sun wasn’t going to help him either.
Daere had limited time. He wanted to put it to good use.
“I’ve roamed Runeterra to see its greatest wonders for myself. After my 9 years of travel, many failed to impress me and nothing could get me to set foot on a road again…. except for you. I’ve kept my final journey for Freljord herself.”
“Taking to the roads after your better years doesn’t seem quite right.”
“You are right. See, my lady, when floods took my wife and only son from me, taking the road was the only thing I found the strength to do.” He allowed his grief back inside. “And perhaps you would enjoy a talk.”
“You consider me lonely and that I need ways to keep my heart warm, Ekna Daere?”
He didn’t have the strength to say “Daere is good enough.”
He barely got the words out. “I’ve been lonely and small. I don’t consider you small. But you’re definitely lonely.” Anivia wore a little smile, while Daere gazed into distance and stayed there. He couldn’t help but close his eyes.
“You said-” He was urged to listen. “-you were a curious soul. Ask, Ekna.”
This was it. He did his best to bring himself together. “That’s gene- generous… of—”
Replies
Another question I have is, is 1038 words okay? or should I cut it?
The Wailing Mountains
Two travelers came to the slope where two mountains met: “Alright Daere, this marks my end of the deal. Climb the fourth mountain and that’s it.” The woman had a longbow around her, and daggers just above her knees.
She caught Daere measuring the mountain from top to bottom, still out of breath. “Having second thoughts, eh?” Daere inhaled and exhaled the cold air deeply, slowly. “Right you are. In fact, I would’ve had them FAR earlier.” Daere went to a corner where the wind wouldn’t hurt him and sat down. She joined him after putting her longbow down.
“My son once wanted to do business of his own.” Daere said. “He asked for riches to begin. He was to go to Bundle City, invest in and work with this techmaturgy scientist. Seems promising, I thought. I gave a small fortune to him. Three weeks hadn’t gone by, when he came back home without a nickel to his name.” He was feeling better. He exhaled one last deep breath. “Turns out he never went to Bundle City and I was dumb to think my son had found his ambitions. Yet here I am, trusting a stranger’s words. Am I being dumb, Rania?”
Rania seemed self-assured. “I’ve done right by you, old timer. You have my word.”
“Just so you know, you may as well slit my throat here, if you’re taking advantage of me and I’m going up there to die alone.”
Rania cracked a smile, “Even if you make it to the top, you aren’t making it back. You’d better be concerned about this, instead, don’t you think?”
“If your job is done, let me worry about the way back.”
Rania shrugged. “Why go to all these lengths to see a recluse? You ain’t gonna tell me?”
“I have an appreciation for… remarkable beings.”
“Oi! You haven’t celebrated MY existence, yet? I’ve hunted great beasts, old timer, and worn their pelts!”
He laughed. “Oh, I don’t doubt that.”
She stood up. “Climb and bear no worries. She is there.” Rania headed back home while Daere ate and took a nap. He was going to need all his strength.
(…)
Daere was finally here. Atop the tallest Wailing Mountain, it was cold as hell. The snow and wind were so strong that Daere couldn’t open his eyes long enough to see beyond his nose. He looked for some kind of shelter. He followed the sides that surrounded the top and found a huge rock covered by snow. Nonetheless, it wasn’t doing him any favors. Wind was still blowing. Hard.
A screech came from the depths of endless whites. Another screech, longer this time. As he felt the wind getting softer, snow allowed him to see again. He watched a giant icy bird descending from the high clouds. The Cryophoenix of Freljord.
She had a purple crystal on her forehead, accompanied by icy spikes that lean backwards, up her head and down her nape. She had wide wings and four claws on each leg.
The visitor on the other hand, was pretty much broken down. Blood-red cheeks and nose. His five layers of clothing were failing to keep him warm. Not to mention barely making it here.
She landed softly on the snow.
“You are way astray from the easy lands and rich tables of your kind, stranger.”
“I gave up on my comfort long ago, Anivia.” He became conscience of his language. “Forgive me, if my addressing you by your name offends you.”
“What is your name and business here?” Her voice was light and grand.
“Ekna Daere, at your service. I am merely a curious soul. Nothing more.”
“This is hardly a place to satisfy your curiosity.”
“Tha- that’s… what I do, though.” said Daere. His voice and every limb in his body were shaking. The voice telling him to sleep for a moment was stronger now. Anivia threw a look at the sky, and screeched again. Watching clouds obeying Anivia’s commands was the greatest thing Daere had ever seen, although the setting sun wasn’t going to help him either.
He had limited time. He wanted to put it to good use.
“I’ve roamed Runeterra to see her greatest wonders for myself. After nine years of travel, many failed to impress me and nothing could get me to set foot on a road again…. except for you. I’ve kept my final journey for Freljord herself.”
“Taking to the roads after your better years doesn’t seem quite right.”
“You are right. See, my lady, when floods took my wife and only son from me, taking the road was the only thing I found the strength to do.” He allowed his grief back inside. “And perhaps you would enjoy a talk.”
Anivia squinted. “You consider me lonely, Ekna Daere?”
He didn’t have the strength to say “Daere is good enough.”
He barely got the words out. “I’ve been lonely and small. I don’t consider you small. But you’re definitely lonely.” Anivia wore a little smile, while Daere dived into the distance and stayed there. He couldn’t help but close his eyes.
“You said-” He was urged to listen. “-you were a curious soul. Ask, Ekna.”
This was it. He did his best to bring himself together. “That’s gene- generous… of—”
--
Anivia gazed into her visitor’s body with distracted eyes for a while, until the unusual quiet disturbed her. She screeched to summon the blizzard back and flew into it.
Ashe and Tryndamere were having dinner when a friend came in. “Forgive me. The western beacon has been lit, Tryndamere!”
“Western?” Ashe exclaimed. “Don’t engage, unless an army is coming our way. We’re expecting a guest, Nonan.”
Tryndamere grinned. As Ashe took the lead, Tryndamere took his sword. He dragged it behind him, rubbing it against the tundra.
Anivia landed in front of the gathering crowd and walked towards Ashe.
“Avarosan!” Anivia shouted.
They came face to face. “You asked for my allegiance. We need to talk.”
Seeing you're here, can I assume you've read my work? If so, what do you think about it?
Edit: You can find the latest version in the comment just above yours.
- It seems like Daere has a plan all along. He knows that he’s not coming back, right? Still, we don’t know why he is there and what he is doing. At least I couldn’t figure out that part.
- I agree with your lecturer. The last part of your story needs more explanation.
- As for the length, you can easily trim the first part of your story, the one with Daere and Rania. I think their time together doesn’t have much effect on the core of your story.
- I guess you didn’t want your dialogues to be expositional, but I feel like there are things need to be explained.
- Overall, I liked your story; it’s not flat and there’s more under the surface. You just need to make them more visible.
Yes, it makes sense that Ekna has a guide who’s one of those people, but I still think that you can trim that part, don’t delete the whole thing though. And save Ekna’s personal stories to Anivia, make them have more interaction, because I believe that’s your story’s most important part.
Moreover, I think it’s good that you don’t have expositional dialogues, but this is a short story, not a script. So, if you want the readers to know that Ekna is a defeated man who wants to die and do it in his own way, then instead of using dialogues, you can narrate it. Tell us more about him. Like, what has he been doing for nine years? (Okay, ‘he’s roamed Runeterra to see the greatest wonders’, but why, what’s the main reason? Was he looking for a consolation after he lost his family?) Why is he asking questions? What does he want to learn? What’s his idea of painless death?
--
Edit: However, don’t just write like this:
"Ekna lost his wife and his only son. Then, he started a journey. His goal was to find the greatest wonders…."
Instead, you can write:
"After losing his family unexpectedly, Ekna found himself in a quandary about what to do next. Nothing made sense for him for a while. He was drifting away from the reality every passing day until one day he decided to look for a meaning…"
Something like this. Make the readers emotionally attach your story.
--
Another thing: In your story, Ekna is your main character, okay, but you can also give more information about Anivia, like what you wrote:
“Anivia threw a look at the sky, and screeched again. Watching clouds obeying Anivia’s commands was the greatest thing Daere had ever seen…”
I think this is great, we should see more of this. What makes Anivia great? Why is she a fascinating creature?
One last thing: What’s happening at the end with Ashe and Tryndamere? Maybe I didn’t understand
but how is that part related to the overall story? Maybe, you shouldn't have that part at all?
she is “lonely” and unattached. And Ekna was a reminder of this. joining together with Ashe was how she was going to change that. If I couldn’t get THAT across, this definitely wasn’t a success. Wow.
I wish I had gotten your feedback earlier. Despite having submitted already, I will try to improve it anyway. Those are valid points and I appreciate your time.
edit: it feels bad though, to see my climax needs to be explained to feel connected to the story. I REALLY should have been more careful with my timing of submission.