Relationship issues caused by 3d?
grand marshal polycounter
Okay maybe this is not the best place here for this topic, but I get back to this case from time to time, and it looks like there won't be end of this , so now I decided to ask you guys what to do, maybe some of you was in the same shoes.
I'm working on my new folio in my free time for a few months now, we all know this takes time. In the meanwhile I'm doing freelancer jobs, but I can't really live from the money that I get from it so I need a on site stable job as soon as possible, this is why I'm making the new folio. I live together with my girlfriend for like 7-8 months, and we get argued from time to time because she can't understand the importance of my new works. She say I'm just an addict and I can't do other things other than 3d and I'm doing it way too much. I told she that this will give me a new job, once I finished my new folio. But she still say I'm just an addict. I got a few time "just look for a normal job like the normal people do" too. Shortly this... Any thoughts/suggestions?
I'm working on my new folio in my free time for a few months now, we all know this takes time. In the meanwhile I'm doing freelancer jobs, but I can't really live from the money that I get from it so I need a on site stable job as soon as possible, this is why I'm making the new folio. I live together with my girlfriend for like 7-8 months, and we get argued from time to time because she can't understand the importance of my new works. She say I'm just an addict and I can't do other things other than 3d and I'm doing it way too much. I told she that this will give me a new job, once I finished my new folio. But she still say I'm just an addict. I got a few time "just look for a normal job like the normal people do" too. Shortly this... Any thoughts/suggestions?
Replies
Every relationship is different, and I don't want to overstep my bounds here, but man... it doesn't matter if you're a game developer, mechanic, cook, whatever... a solid SO will support you through it. Obviously this needs to be reciprocal. From the very little you've said here, it just sounds like she's being pretty self centered. Not a good sign. I say keep doing what you're doing and have more conversations about the importance of your work right now. If she continues to give you grief, she may not be the one to stick with you through thick and thin. I hope you're both willing to work through it.
More to your point, putting in the work has never been an issue with any of my SOs. The only major issue related to this industry and how it has affected my relationships is that I can get overly stressed by work. I found myself taking that stress home. No bueno.
I'm wondering if this is the real issue, or that the real issue that you've gracefully glossed over is that you have been living with your girlfriend for 7-8 months and have been perennially unemployed for the duration.
It's not her responsibility to support you whilst you work on your portfolio and look for work. If work isn't coming in regularly as a freelancer, you should probably be looking at non-3d work to supplement your income and reduce your reliance on her, and work on your portfolio on the side. Don't forget to schedule plenty of time for her too, since she's also supposed to be important.
maybe just explain to her how much it means to you and that doing art involves lots of long hours - nothing weird in that regard.
Try taking an hour or two off each night, or take the Friday off and just spend the evening with her. Heck go for a walk and use it as an opportunity to build on your art skills. Observe your environment whilst spending time with her, visit art galleries, watch movies with her and pull ref from those.
If you think she's the one and you neglect her, you'll regret it later on (especially all the time you both missed out on together).
I agree with Ambershee too, find a part time job doing something else if you can't do what you want to do. Its always good to have some kind of back up (when I first started to work on my portfolio, I did office work and saved enough to relocate and start fresh with an industry job).
(NOTE: This is the point where I should read over what I put and listen to my own advice!!).
The mentality of focusing solely on one thing and ignoring the rest of your life including friends and family is obsessive behaviour. "Just one more portfolio piece and then I'll have a job and everything will be back to normal." Take a step back and try to see it from your gf's perspective and understand why she sees it as addiction. Your portfolio will never be done, so find a good way to pace yourself.
*edit* I should say this is me projecting my past experience onto your current situation. Everyone is different and every situation has different factors. Perhaps your gf really doesn't support your dream, or maybe it's somewhere in the middle.
I agree with this
No. No. No. DUMP
My wife has been immensely supportive and even pushes me to do more artwork at home.
I am very happy.
So work same amount of time for 3x pay or for dirt.
I pay the bills, and until that changes can't afford to do anything else.
If the situation is the same for you she needs to understand you are looking out
for her and your well being by paying bills and working.
If she is paying the bills then do the art part time, and work something else part time, and make time for her.
12-16 hours a day? To work on your portfolio, or for a literal job? And what job is 16 hours a day at minimum wage? Your post sort of confuses me.
Here's one tip that helped me change that relationship dynamic::
Try to include them as much as possible in your hobby/work.
(It's a huge part of your life that she's left out of)
For instance- If you're modeling a female..ask if she wouldn't mind being the reference subject.
Making her feel important to your success, is the key here.
What it all comes down to is sharing in the experience.
When she becomes emotionally invested in what your doing, you'll be amazed at how things may change.
The motivation and support that comes from this was a real eye opener for me.
People work better with milestones.
Even then it sounds like you are on the road to a breakup anyway
That's not to say there aren't growing pains to every relationship, seeing as you've only been together for 7-8 months. Being confined to your computer for x amount of hours certainly can't help. Just be up front with her, tell her this is your life's dream, and if she's not cool with that, then you need a new gf.
In college I was in a pretty similar situation. I always wondered how other people did it and was (sometimes) jealous of all the single dudes that had so much free time to work on their craft. My overworking and her inflexibility ended up causing us to split up for a bit. We eventually came back together and have been for 11 years. It was a classic case of needing time apart to see what we are missing... I make sure to give her attention and she lets me have my time too. It ended up working out HOWEVER there are still some scars from the experience and it would have been a whole lot better if it never happened. Hindsight is 20/20 ya know?
EDIT: This is going to sound really cheesy but one of the most eye opening books I have read is "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." In summary everyone has different ways they feel loved or valued. You may be spending lots of effort showing her the way "you" love her but she is not receptive to that particular method. The trick to maximizing your effort is finding the way "she" feels loved. As a male there so many ways females think and feel that I will never get... but now that I know I can work with it and try to be understanding.
I have 0 tolerance for that.
The grass is greener on the other side. You just need to spend the time to find someone worth it.
Right off the bat if the answer is no then maybe its time for you to reflect on it.
All valid points on the top... but yea. find common ground and see what really is the problem. It seems so far like she just doesn't care for your goals and that is not acceptable.
Hope you sort it out and is all for the best.
I agree.
Without my girlfriend I dunno what the hell I would be doing, wouldn't have a ounce of passion or drive I channel into my work.
My girlfriend loves me, and loves my passion and excitement I get from such things, people that love you, want to see you happy and doing well ultimately.
And while a marriage of convenience is never convenient, you may face serious relationship issues if you find love before stability, finding stability than love is ideal, problem is at least as it was in my case love can find you, and love doesn't believe in convenience lol.
Edit: Also just wanted to say, 3D isn't the cause of your issues, you could replace 3D with anything that consumes time and energy and doesn't pay of instantly, Weight lifting, sports, running a business, getting a degree.
The level of understanding shown by those that oppose you will be either fear, ignorance or a lack of respect for you.
I'm in a situation now that my boyfriend is also a workaholic, so we share our office together and while he's off doing his rocket sciency things I do my artstuffs. We make an effort to shut down our computers and do things together and travel, a time that's clearly scheduled for no work (Game of Thrones on Sundays is pretty much a holy event). He isn't in the game industry so he doesn't completely get how it is, but he was very understanding when I was busting out portfolio because I've explained to him how most the work as artists happens before the interview. Pretty sure most fields don't have something like a portfolio to show in advance, it's the resume that speaks loudest for them. But as artists, we bust ass between jobs rather than catch up on Netflix. Point is there has to be an off time for you both to look forward to. But don't forget to communicate how important portfolio is, not everyone is wired with that information like we are.
Ultimately it's up for you to decide if this is a long term relationship for you. I've dated dudes in the past who have come and gone but Max is my longest running relationship of 10+ years.
Girlfriends aren't nearly as replaceable.
What about finding something part time (10-20 hours a week) so you at least have some income that isn't dependent on freelance?
I know all this sounds strange - telling someone to support you. But my boyfriend actually said all this to me - I thought it very odd at first and I also didn't realise that I hadn't been that supportive and that I'd been selfish. It was definitely a good eye opener though and really helped our relationship. That's not to say that I understood straight away - at first I didn't take him seriously but gradually it sunk in. I'm now a lot more careful about what I say to him and try to encourage him with his work.
So just be open with her and give her some time. If the behaviour continues, keep being open and telling her that you are serious about what you need. And if that doesn't work, she's possibly not right for you.
"There he goes...into his little world again..."
Needless to say, it didnt last very long.
understand that relationship can end at any point. your career is more important, i think.
HOWEVER i see why she is acting this way, you are depending on her financially. i think you are wrong in this argument.
yea it's pretty shitty that's she's not interested in your work and doesn't care about it, but understand that you are depending on her and i think she went "crazy" because she's financially supporting you and the least you can do is hang out with her more.
Actually she say really similar things sometimes...
But when I'm not doing 3d, everything is fine.
This is a common pattern people around you will do when they see you actually on your path working/doing what makes you happy. A lot of the time it comes from feeling shitty about their own lack of motivation/hobbies/lifestyle. they will do anything they can to knock you off your path, negative comments, drama, general bullshit.
Basically you gotta be like a rock, identify what your end goals are and continually work towards them. No woman will ever give you the satisfaction of being a self made man doing what you love. A good woman will support your journey, and if not I say cut it off.
A big trap a lot of guys fall into is feeling that they will never meet another girl as cool or hot as their current gf and cling to a toxic relationship when in reality, its pretty easy to meet new awesome girls that are actually good for you. Its a really scarce mindset to fall into, and ultimately it usually leads to a girl thinking you are pathetic and weak, while walking all over you and your dreams.
some reading I found pretty awesome, there is a bit of wooo wooo new age shit in there but overall really good read is this, really helped me when I was aspiring to get into DJing in addition to my game art dayjob:
[ame="http://www.amazon.com/Way-Superior-Man-Spiritual-Challenges/dp/1591792576/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1400183699&sr=1-1&keywords=way+of+the+superior+man"]The Way of the Superior Man - David Deida[/ame]
My personal view would be to say peace to the chick, focus on your goals and find someone whos supportive at what you do. You gotta act like a boss and that will be 10x more attractive to successful women. Dont let yourself be manipulated and walked over.
I agree
As a counterexample, my husband (not the same relationship, I might add) is red-green colorblind, which inhibits his ability to directly appreciate many aspects of art. But he gets that it's important to me, and he focuses on the parts that he can appreciate -- aside from the occasional comment of, "Really? That's a different color?" or the like, he's always been able to come up with something to say to encourage me. He also does things such as saying, "Hey, I noticed you've been working really hard on (whatever I've been working on). That's great and I'm proud of you for sticking with it despite (whatever thing about it has been driving me crazy/not working right/whatever)." If I've been overly focused on something, he will sometimes say something about us not getting to spend a lot of time doing things together and we fix it. I can't imagine him ever saying that if we had a 1:1 split time between my work and our time together, and if I'm close to an important milestone and can't arrange it then, we work out when we can spend more time together and plan on a date. I'm definitely happier in this situation, and I imagine that even if all other variables were the same I still would be.
There are plenty of fish in the sea. When it comes to being an artist who needs to maximize their creativity without any negative energy, then usually the best course is to nip it in the bud, before it gets out of hand. You both will end up being the better for it.
I mean if you were to get a paying job tomorrow doing 3D, would she only stay because you were making a paycheck or would she stay because she was with someone who was focused on what they love?
I'm a bit curious on how much she is working to pay bills, because if she is working 14 hours a day then I can see why she would be upset at you. Ideally you would want your SO to be supporting of you, if she isn't interested in your work, then you should try to find a way to make her interested. I know some people who play videogames and their SO hates games, but they tried introducing gaming to their SO slowly, through friendly co-op games for example, and now they are happier since they both have the same hobby.
I'm not sure how one would introduce 3D art to their SO other than showing it to them (which in this case didn't seem to work much.) Maybe you could try explaining to her why you love art so much. Of course, I'm no relationship expert so anything I say should be taken with a grain of salt, but generally when trying to reason with somebody, you want to first understand why they came to the conclusion they are currently at.
It's also important to always be unbiased. It's very easy to turn a relationship story into a one sided argument. Good luck, hopefully you can find work soon.
I disagree with the first part, and agree with the second part.
I think for some people, having a happy relationship is far more fulfilling than a career could ever be. For other people, this clearly isn't true. But everyone is different.
And yes, a good Significant Other will support you and your journey. But be careful, in such situations, not to neglect or to ignore the need to contribute to a healthy relationship.
This!
That being said, I've worked numerous day jobs alongside pursuing art to place as little burden on her as possible, and if ever I get the slightest feeling that she'd like to spend time with me I will drop whatever I'm doing in a heartbeat to make her happy. And I try to spend time with her every day whether I get that feeling or not.
I would gladly stop what I'm doing to spend time with her partially because I know she supports me in the endeavor. Conversely, she probably supports me in the endeavor partially because she knows I'll stop what I'm doing to spend time with her if I need to.
Additionally, my wife has her own creative endeavors she pursues. I support her in those as much as possible, and if there is the possibility for crossover - we love working together!
It's true that you need to find someone who supports you in your life goals. But it's also true that you may need to look inside yourself, and determine whether or not you're willing to give her the attention she deserves. Art is a very personal pursuit, a constant struggle to improve yourself and your understanding of various concepts - many involving the world around you and how you see it. Don't be afraid to try and better understand yourself, as well.
He said to us that what she was doing never seemed serious to him and that art people should only date other art people...
Maybe he was right...
i wouldn't say that, i have never done anything but art, worked music and film, than moved into game art. My GF is a business major with a minor in Spanish.
Even know we dont work in the same worlds, we both appreciate what each other do, and its been 2 years of living together so far.
my best friend at one point was an electrician's apprentice and worked part time as a sound engineer for a radio station.
His fiancee who I also knew well was a art student finishing up her time in college and spent most of her time playing wow, she broke up with him over some nonsense that he wasn't ambitious enough or going anywhere in life she said, which actually made him go to uni just to spite her.
Now many years have past and I know shes not doing well, but my best friend is doing pretty okay, but its always left me thinking how people sure can have weird values and expectations of each other, and I think personally Economic pressure is on our generation like no other, jobs and money is not easy to come by and bills pile up to the sky.
One problem I had with past relationships was a bad combination of over-working, and under-communicating.
Many people have vastly different definitions of 'overworking'.
To me overworking was 2 months of nothing but Work, Art, Eating, Sleeping, and Shitting (See Dominance War). That kind of behaviour can be completely relationship-destroying. Especially if they are not an artist themselves, and you are bad at communicating the importance of what is being worked on.
Moderation is very important. So are building and nurturing relationships. So is health/exercise.
That being said, it helps to give a heads up. I just recently told my gf that we were prolly only gonna hang out once a week for the next 2-3 weeks because of crunch. I guess the key is communication.
Then again, she has a demanding job that makes her unavailable too...
For this shit to work, you have to understand each other. And if she says you're excessive working means ur addicted shows a lack of understanding.
It is worth mentioning that your case seems to have a lot to do with the fact that ur at your desk all the time (since ur doing freelance). Since I wk at an office, she sees me get up and do shit, even tho its to do the same thing.
Honestly the most solid advice I have ever heard ANYWHERE .
Make oneself happy, achieve goals, go for upward mobility instead of expecting others to fill the void for you.
my girlfriend doesnt give a shit about my art either, we've been living together for 3 years, and initially it bothered me, when i was showing her something that took me days/weeks/months to make, with pride, and she would say "oh. nice" but then she realised that praise is important to me as an artist so now she's being enthusiastic when i show her my creations. i dont care if she means it or not, the fact that she tries to be supportive about it goes a long way. whenever i feel bored to finish some work she pushes me to get down and finish it instead of watching a movie or something. and when i work on the pc she's quietly reading a book so she won't bother me...
Lol, so your girlfriend fakes it to make you happy, how sweet of her
In the morning she was acting like nothing happened. She was trying to stroke and to be sweet, and she said it was because of her red days. Man.... This rough words because of someone is bleeding? Don't joke with me. Now I'm really disappointed and a little disillusioned too. Now to me it looks like I should actually leave.
Anyways, If she would know about this thread, there would be an armageddon. Even if there are positive and constructive comments with a big trying to help. But where could I go if she isn't open to discuss.
We both do 3d art, and I get the "stop playing video games and pay me attention" shit all the time, while i'm staring at a cube in max. many video game, call me a programmer again i double dare you mother fucker.
Its really getting on my nerves, because i fucking struggled for years to get to the point where i was working on art if not everyday bare minimum a few days a week, as apposed to a few years ago where i'd only managed to spend an hour or two max a month!
I decided to go to uni to push me even further, i've got 2 jobs going so i can afford to live, sure there isn't much time in the week for her but fuck, gotta roll the hard 6 sometimes, it would be nice to have support.
Are you open to getting another job?
The support and intention behind the reaction is what's important. She supports his art and the effort that went into it, even if she's not really into the end product.